


Indiana Winter

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-25 03:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 52,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16653595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: Is it possible to love two persons at the same time?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is complete and consists of 16 chapters.  
> Hope it was worth the wait!

Whoever used to inhabit this planet, they left a long time ago. I don’t need my tricorder to figure that out. All signs of civilization –buildings, roads and other infrastructure– have lost the battle with nature. Everywhere I look, I see overgrown ruins, silent witnesses of what was once probably a village or even a city. 

To be honest, I don’t really care. Not about what was. I’m more interested in what this planet can offer us here and now. The plants and mosses can serve as food to us. The ores and minerals can be converted into materials and energy sources. Given the state of the ruins I have no hope to find any technology. 

My fellow crew members are scattered over the surface, collecting everything we can use.  
Neelix has several people looking for edibles, while a few of my Engineering crew are checking the rock formations for mineral deposits. I spot Vorrik, Nicoletti, Chakotay and Harry in the distance, all scanning the environment. A bit farther away, I see Tom and the Captain entering one of the more preserved ruins. 

I pause, staring in their direction for a minute, wondering what they hope to find inside the dark buildings. Unlike me, they’re probably curious as to what happened here, seeing what’s left now as a source of answers on the ‘how’ and ‘who’ and ‘why’ questions they have about this planet’s past. 

I’m just about to shrug and turn around to focus on my own scans when I hear a strange sound coming from their direction. I squint, focusing on the building they disappeared into when a bluish flash emanates from the dark entryway. What was that? On alert, I run towards the ruin. 

“Tom?” I yell, feeling the hairs on my neck stand up as I enter the dark cavernous space. “Captain?” 

There’s no response and I switch on my wrist light so I can see where I’m going. The beam cuts through the darkness and falls on something red. I drop to my knees when I realize it’s a uniform. The Captain is lying on the floor. Quickly I reach out, feeling for a pulse and relief flows through me as I find it strong and steady. 

I shine my light a bit farther and see Tom lying unconscious on the floor as well. I move to him, finding his pulse and breathing also strong. But I can’t rouse him either. 

Immediately, I tap my combadge. “Torres to Sickbay, medical emergency.” 

~

“I think they’re coming to.” The Doctor states as he runs his tricorder over the Captain’s body. 

Standing by Tom’s bedside, I gently caress his hair, noticing his lip twitch. He’s also showing signs of regaining consciousness. 

“How are you feeling, Captain?” I hear the Doctor ask and I see her frowning. 

“What do you mean?” She croaks and then her eyes widen. She sits up, looking at her hands in disbelief and then lifts them to feel her face.   
“Holy shit.” She mutters and I raise my eyebrows in surprise. That’s not the kind of language I’m used to hearing from her. 

The Doctor doesn’t seem to notice her cursing or her strange behavior.   
“It’s alright, Captain. You had some kind of accident on the planet.” He clarifies. “Some disorientation is to be expected, but otherwise you seem to be just fine.” 

The Captain doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying. Instead, she looks around and her eyes fall on Tom.   
“Oh my god.” She utters, clumsily swinging her legs over the side of the biobed and inelegantly hopping down from it. She stands next to me and touches Tom’s shoulder as he slowly opens his eyes. 

Tom groans and tries to focus on his surroundings. When he sees the Captain he gasps and his eyes widen.   
“What the…?” He utters and then sits up and does the exact same thing the Captain did a minute before. He watches his hands in wonder and then brings them up to feel his face. Then he turns back to the Captain. 

“Are you…?” He stammers. 

She nods. “Seems so.” 

They stare at each other for a moment, incredulity playing on both their faces. 

I share a questioning look with the Doctor, but he just shrugs, just about as clueless as to what’s going on as I am. So I turn back to Tom and the Captain. 

“What’s wrong?” I ask, because obviously something is definitely not right. But neither of them notices me.   
“Tom?” I put my hand on my husband’s thigh, trying to draw his attention. To my surprise he jerks away from my touch. 

Janeway turns to me and reaches for my arm.   
“B’Elanna.” She speaks and she gives me a look I can’t identify. 

“What’s going on here?” I repeat my question and they both stare at me. I have no idea why they seem so spooked. 

“I’m Tom.” Janeway speaks.

I frown. What is she talking about? 

“It would appear,” Tom speaks and I turn to him, “that we’ve switched bodies.” 

I stare at him dumbfounded because it just doesn’t seem possible. Then I blink a few times.   
“What?” I stammer faintly and I reach out to Tom’s familiar face. 

“I’m not Tom.” He states softly and points at Janeway. “Tom is in my body. And I’m in his.” 

The Doctor brushes past me, scanning both of them with a tricorder again. 

“How?” I blurt out, trying to wrap my mind around the science rather than think about the reality in front of me. 

“I think it happened when we touched that blue disk in the ruin on the planet.” 

It’s Janeway’s voice vocalizing the words, but in fact it’s Tom saying them. My brain struggles to fathom that. From the corner of my eye I see Tom –no, the Captain in Tom’s body– nod and turn to me. 

“We noticed that the disk was emitting a bluish light when we entered.” 

I find it almost incomprehensible that it’s the Captain who speaks in those familiar tones. 

“Our tricorders couldn’t really make sense of it, so we got closer and both reached out to touch it. I don’t remember anything after that.” 

I try to focus on what they’re saying and recall my own version of these events. I nod pensively.   
“I saw a flash of blue light right after you entered the ruin.” I confirm.

The Doctor steps in.   
“Do you think this disk is responsible for the body switch?” 

On the biobed, Janeway –inhabiting Tom’s body– smirks. The expression is so unmistakably hers, yet it seems out of place on Tom’s face.   
“It seems to be as good an explanation as any.” 

Next to me, Tom nods and I turn to him, taking a moment to study this feminine face that is now his, looking for any trace of familiarity.   
“Maybe we should just go back to the ruin and touch the disk again, so we can switch back into our own bodies?” 

All of us turn to the Doctor to hear his medical opinion. He just shrugs.   
“That’s better than anything I can come up with.” He answers ruefully. 

In Tom’s body, the Captain gets off the biobed and awkwardly stretches to her new full length.   
“Let’s go back and find the blue disk.” She orders, but I grab her arm. 

“Hold on.” I stop her, trying to ignore the fact that this muscled arm should belong to my husband and not to her.   
“When I got inside the ruin and found you both unconscious, it was pitch dark. There was no blue disk at all. What if it’s no longer there?” 

There is a moment of silence. Then, next to me, Tom speaks.   
“Well, there’s only one way to find out…” 

~

All of us beam back down to the planet and make our way to the ruin where I found Tom and the Captain. As we walk, I keep stealing glances at both of them, trying to catch glimpses of my husband in the Captain’s body. At the same time, I try to fathom that the man who looks exactly like my husband is in fact not him, but rather the Captain. They both still seem a little awkward in their movements, obviously not comfortable in their new bodies. Tom keeps craning his neck, not used to being more than a foot shorter than he used to be. And the Captain displays the same lankiness as a teenager whose body has just gone through a growth spurt. I realize it must be a pretty strange experience for them, being inside a body that doesn’t feel familiar.

Together we reach the entrance of the ruin where their body switch happened. Inside, it’s just as dark as when I found them a couple of hours ago. There’s no trace of any light, blue or otherwise. As we make our way inside through the narrow doorway, I hear the Captain grunt when she bangs the shoulder of Tom’s body squarely into the doorjamb. 

“Whoa, careful with my body there, Captain.” Tom smirks. “I’d like to get it back in one piece.” 

It strikes me as funny how, even though his voice is distinctly Janeway’s, it still sounds like him when it comes to the way he speaks the words. He pronounces them softer, more melodious than she does. It makes me smile to recognize his boyish playfulness in them, a welcome sign of familiarity in this strange situation. 

I turn on the power-light I grabbed from Engineering on the way down here and in an instant, the entire room bathes in a soft light, strong enough to easily make out our surroundings. 

“Thanks.” Janeway mumbles next to me, still rubbing her sore shoulder. 

“Where’s the disk you spoke of?” The Doctor asks, looking around in earnest. 

“There.” Tom points towards an unmarked stone wall. “At least, it was there…” Then he scratches his head, managing to completely muss up the Captain’s usually perfectly coiffed hair. 

Despite the seriousness of the situation, I find myself grinning at the sight, especially when I see the Captain purse her lips disapprovingly and putting her hands on her hips, a posture that looks quite ridiculous for Tom’s body. 

I turn away, hiding my smile and my eyes fall on an object that obviously doesn’t belong here. I pick it up.   
“I assume this is the tricorder you were scanning the disk with before you touched it?” I ask, looking from Tom to the Captain. Opening the device, I activate it and go through its sensor logs.   
“The readings are strange indeed. This tricorder recorded an increasing stream of leptons up until the last moment it was scanning.” 

Tom frowns. “What does that mean?” 

I shrug. “I have no idea. But at least it’s a starting point.” 

~

A couple of hours later, I sit back and curse. 

“Still nothing?” Tom asks, a weary note clearly audible in his low voice. He turns to the Captain as he reaches back to massage his muscles.   
“Your back is killing me. I don’t know how you do it, walking around in these heels all day.”

In response, Janeway just rolls her eyes at him and then turns to me.   
“What do you think the problem is?” She points to the system I’ve set up. “I thought you said the damn thing just needed power?” 

I sigh. “Yes, it does.” 

It didn’t take me long to discover some kind of technology hidden inside the wall where Tom marked the presence of the blue disk they both saw. And I also figured out pretty quickly that the device had no power left. Since then, I’ve tried about five different ways of restoring its power. So far, none of those trials were successful. And I’m running out of ideas. 

Grabbing my tricorder to scan the damned device again, I shake my head.   
“I just don’t understand why it won’t keep the charge.” 

The Captain does her best to stifle a yawn. It’s been a long day for all of us.   
“Maybe we should try again tomorrow.” She states and points to the doorway. “It’s already dark outside.” 

I nod absentmindedly, trying to come up with a theory about why my efforts didn’t work. Maybe Janeway’s right: new ideas might come with daylight. My eyes widen as something occurs to me and I grab my tricorder to scan the ceiling. 

“What are you doing?” The Captain frowns as I brush by her to find what I’m looking for. 

Then my tricorder beeps and I grin triumphantly.   
“Sunlight.” I declare matter-of-factly, but I’m met with blank stares.   
“It needs sunlight to power up.” I clarify and I’m surprised when I see Tom’s face light up in understanding first, rather than the Captain’s. With a jolt I remember that they’ve switched bodies. It makes me feel pretty stupid for a moment to have forgotten that that’s why we’re all here in the first place. 

“So we have to wait ‘til sunrise for it to work?” My husband also catches on.

I nod. “Probably until a little after that, when the sun is high enough to provide sufficient energy.”   
I’m excited about this discovery. 

But Tom is still doubtful. “Are you sure that’s it?” 

I shrug. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” 

~

The more I go over the scans I made on the planet, the more it becomes obvious to me that this technology needs sunlight to function properly. I feel pretty confident about getting it all up and running tomorrow, and –being an engineer– that really pleases me.

I drop my PADDs on the couch and get up. Tom is in the bathroom to brush his teeth and I enter without thinking. 

“I’m pretty sure it’ll work to-.” I start telling him, but then I stop dead in my tracks as I find myself almost running into the naked body of Kathryn Janeway. 

I blink, reminding myself that this is not really the Captain, but Tom. At the same time, I can’t help but glance again at this unfamiliar body. And immediately after that, it strikes me that I really shouldn’t be looking.   
And neither should Tom, for that matter. 

“Tom!” I chide, surprised at how casual my voice sounds. “Put some clothes on.” 

He just grins mischievously at me. “Oh come on, she’ll never know!”   
Then he shrugs. “God only knows what she’s doing to my body right now…” 

I roll my eyes at his words.   
“Still…” I add. “It’s not right.” 

He completely ignores me and slowly cups his breasts, gently lifting them, while watching himself in the full-body-length mirror.   
I can’t make myself look away. 

“This feels really interesting.” He utters, a note of curiosity in his voice, which is husky like hers can be at times. Then his eyes fall on me in the mirror and he lets go of one breast to grab my hand. 

“Oh no, no no.” I try to retract my hand as soon as I realize where he wants to put it but I’m too late. 

It seems surreal when my skin makes contact with Kathryn Janeway’s bare breast. Tactile sensations flood my brain. The skin is warm in my cool hands and infinitely soft. Her breast is pleasantly heavy and I feel the nipple harden against my palm. I know I have to let go, but I can’t bring myself to it.

“Now there’s a sight to behold.” Tom whispers and I look up into the mirror, seeing myself intimately touching the Captain. I’m mesmerized by our reflection. 

“Too bad I didn’t swap bodies with Seven.” Tom grins and instantly the moment is gone. 

I abruptly retract my hand.   
“Get dressed, Tom.” I speak gruffly, trying to get my raging heartbeat under control. I start to turn around to get out of the bathroom, but Tom grabs the two parted halves of my uniform jacket and pulls me closer to him. 

“Hey, sorry.” He speaks, his tone of voice taking on a charming quality. “I didn’t mean to rile you up.” 

Normally I like it when he pulls me close to his chest, but in the current situation it’s just awkward. He’s too short, too naked, too feminine.   
I can almost discern his boyish expression in Janeway’s eyes, but it’s gone in a flash and it seems like I’m left staring into her eyes instead of his. I keep repeating in my mind that the person in front of me is Tom. Unfortunately, the rest of me doesn’t get the message. 

“It’s okay.” He shushes me, putting his hand at the nape of my neck. Before I realize what he’s doing, he’s closed the distance and is pressing his lips against mine to kiss me softly.   
I do the only thing that I can do: I kiss my husband back. My husband who looks and sounds and feels and tastes and smells just like the Captain. 

“It feels different, as a woman.” He utters a moment later as we break apart. 

I lick my lips, trying to ignore the familiar fire in my blood. “You want to know what it feels like as a woman?” I ask, losing the battle with my own urges. 

Before he can answer, I shove him against the wall and roughly push my leg between his. I feel him resist a little initially, but the Captain’s body can’t match my Klingon strength. Tom is forced to undergo my ministrations, yet the gleam in his eyes tells me he’s not sorry about that. 

He pulls me closer, his hands fumbling to help me out of my uniform jacket. That’s not what I have in mind though. I grab his hands and pin them above his head. The movement causes my body to press against his and I feel the Captain’s breasts against my own. It’s a strange sensation and it makes me pause for just a second. Just then Tom catches my lips again, and I explore this strange mouth on mine. I slide my hands over the soft skin of this body, along its decidedly feminine curves, down to its most intimate place. 

Tom gasps when my fingers tease him, circle him, enter him. He holds onto me for support, moaning as I take him now instead of the other way around. He looks at me and I drown for a moment in eyes that are darker than his. Then his gaze becomes unfocussed and his eyes close as a guttural groan fills the air around us. The body in my arms spasms and bucks against me. I can feel it contract around my fingers.   
I take a minute to study the Captain’s delicate skin, marred with very small freckles before Tom opens his eyes. 

“Wow.” He utters, his breathing still unsteady. “That was amazing.” 

In that instant I realize I’m turned on as well, that touching this body was something that I liked doing also, although it’s so, so very wrong. It confuses me and suddenly I feel the need to put some distance between us.   
Without saying anything, I step back and make my way out of the bathroom. 

I only realize Tom is following me when he grabs my hand and stops me.

“Hey…” He says softly, moving in front of me. “Where are you running off to?” 

I stare at him, trying very hard to see my husband inside this feminine body.

He reaches out and those slender fingers softly brush my cheek.   
“Why don’t you let me return the favor…” He murmurs huskily.

The tone of his voice sends shivers down my spine and I swallow hard. It’s getting more and more difficult to keep a clear head. All I can see are those dark blue eyes looking at me and that sultry smile on those slightly swollen lips. I can smell our mixed scents, tinged with arousal. It makes my head swim. 

“Yes.” I hear myself hissing when my shirt is being tucked from my waistband. These clothes can’t be gone fast enough. I can’t help but wanting to feel this porcelain skin against my own.

I close the distance and we kiss. Hard, rough. And suddenly I can’t be close enough to this body, I want to feel its weight on me. We grapple and we grope and topple on the bed, a tangled heap of arms and legs. Fingers caress me, stroke me and enter me. Pleasure engulfs me, lifting me up to soaring heights, making me roar. A warm mouth closes around my nipple, teasing it relentlessly.   
I weave my fingers in reddish hair, tugging at it until those lips let go of my nipple and move up to kiss me again. 

My hands roam over the body on top of me, pulling it closer and exploring its unfamiliar curves at the same time. I nuzzle the soft skin between shoulder and neck, and then lower, just below the clavicle. That is my favorite spot of the entire human body. I gently bite down, marking it, making it mine. 

Soft lips are kissing their way down, leaving a trail of little wet marks all over my skin. Down my neck, along my breasts and over my abdomen, grazing my hipbone before trailing along my thighs. 

Cerulean blue eyes look up at me, hungrily, silently asking permission to go further.   
I can’t remember ever wanting anything as badly as I want this. My vision is swimming, and I’m holding my breath in anticipation. Warm breath tickles my flesh and I watch enrapt as a pert tongue darts out. 

Time fades away into the background as we make love. My fingers, lips and tongue explore every inch of unfamiliar territory, while my body is caressed and stroked by these slender fingers, those immeasurably soft lips and that pert little tongue.   
I don’t know how much time has passed when we finally lay side by side on the bed, both panting, exhausted, fulfilled. 

I gradually become aware of a hand lightly caressing my arm and I open my eyes, staring unabashedly at the glowing face of Kathryn Janeway, grinning at me.   
“Wow…” I breathe, unable to keep a stupidly wide grin from spreading on my face. It feels like I can sense the residual tingling of our lovemaking in every cell of my body. 

“Yeah…”   
The languid smile on my lover’s face makes my toes curl.  
“That would’ve made a great sex tape.” 

I blink at those words. They pull me back out of my fantasy to the reality of what happened: I just had sex with Tom in the Captain’s body. 

Closing my eyes I exhale heavily, trying to figure out whether I’m suddenly feeling guilty because I did something I wasn’t supposed to do or rather because I enjoyed every second of it.


	2. Chapter 2

In the morning Tom and I are in Transporter Room Two, waiting for the Captain so we can all beam down to the planet again. 

“Are you sure she said she’d meet us here?” Tom asks for the third time, circling the transport pad.

I nod. “Oh nine hundred – Transporter Room Two.” I confirm curtly. I roll my eyes when I notice the chronometer reads 09:02. Patience was never Tom’s strong suit.   
I glance up from the PADD I’m reading, watching him walk around the room, and I wonder for a moment what will happen if I can’t get the switch machine to work again. Would I miss his strong arms wrapped around me? Or would I get used to waking up in the morning finding myself holding this petite body in my arms? 

Before I can contemplate that thought any further, the doors open and the Captain strides in, holding a cup of coffee. 

“Sorry I’m late.” She grumbles, stifling a yawn. “I was up all night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position for this body to sleep in.” She takes a mouthful of coffee and grimaces as she turns to glare at Tom. “And your taste buds are completely ruining the coffee experience for me.” 

With a thud she places the cup on the console and nods to Ensign Munroe who is on transport duty. “Recycle that for me, would you?” Then she gets on the pad next to Tom and me and nods to Munroe. “Beam us down, Ensign. The sooner I get my body back, the better.” 

As we walk to the ruins, I steal glances at the Captain.   
Seeing my husband’s body, so close and yet unattainable, confuses me. It feels a bit like I cheated on him, when I touched Janeway’s body last night. I frown, trying to sort out my thoughts. Technically, I didn’t cheat on anyone, since it was Tom in the Captain’s body. It was just the package that was different. It would have been cheating if I had slept with the Captain in Tom’s body. Or would it? The more I think about it, the more the whole thing gives me a headache. 

I feel a strong hand on my arm. “Are you okay?” I look up in the worried blue eyes of my husband and feel my heartbeat go up a notch. It takes me a full second to realize that it’s the Captain asking me that question.   
“I’m fine.” I lie, trying to hide my confusion about my feelings. 

We reach the ruin and I immediately occupy myself with the technology in an effort to keep myself from thinking too much. 

“Will it work?” 

I can hear the hope in the Captain’s voice. 

“We’re about to find out.” I murmur as I connect our power supply to the device. “Here goes.” 

I start the power transfer to the device and glance up at the disk. If it works, it should emit a blue light, just like before. Next to me, I can feel Tom and the Captain focusing with equal attention. My tricorder tells me that the power is being transferred. I keep my eye on the display until it indicates that the power transfer is finished before I disconnect the power supply from the alien device. This is the part where I failed yesterday, so I hold my breath as I look up in anticipation. But the disk is not blue and I see Tom’s shoulders sag in disappointment. 

“Damn it.” I mutter dejectedly. I was so sure it was going to work. Frustrated I kick the wall and to my surprise the disk suddenly lights up.

Tom turns to me and grins. “How did you do that?” 

I just stare at the disk in wonder. “I have absolutely no idea.” I state truthfully, grabbing my tricorder to get the readings.   
It seems that the power transfer was successful but I spread my arms to keep Tom and the Captain from approaching.   
“Okay, nobody touch anything. I want to make sure this thing is safe first.” 

They patiently wait until I’ve finished my scans.   
I tap my combadge. “Torres to Voyager, we’re ready down here to try the switch. Stand-by for transport to Sickbay.” 

“Acknowledged.” Comes Ensign Munroe’s reply. 

I turn to Tom and the Captain, nodding curtly. “Alright, let’s do this. Just… touch it like you did last time.”   
Slightly apprehensive, they both move closer as I step back. 

The Captain turns to me. “Do you think this will work?” 

I shrug, repeating my earlier words. “Only one way to find out…”  
But inwardly I’m not completely sure. What happens if it doesn’t work? It’s not like I have other options up my sleeve. 

The moment both of them touch the disk, the room is bathed in an electrifying blue light. Tom and the Captain are slightly propelled backwards and fall to the floor in a position similar to the one I found them in the first time. 

I step closer to Tom and feel his pulse before I also check the Captain’s. I find both beating strong and tap my combadge. “Torres to Voyager, energize.” 

All of us are transported to Sickbay and I help the Doctor putting them both on biobeds. 

“Did it work?” I ask when he scans them.

“The readings are consistent with the previous time.” He starts. “But we can only be sure when they wake up.” 

I shift my weight from one leg to the other. “When will that be?” 

“Shouldn’t be too long.” The Doctor answers and as if on cue I hear a groan coming from one of the biobeds.

Tom, or at least I hope it’s him inside his body, opens his eyes and blinks a couple of times. Then realization dawns and he sits up, checking his hands and touching his face. He grins. “It worked!”

I release a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding and smile as I step closer to hug him. “It’s good to have you back.” I revel in the familiarity of his strong arms wrapped around me. It strikes me how different his touch is from the Captain’s and for some reason I suddenly feel guilty again, like I’ve cheated on him somehow, even though it was him who wrapped her arms around me last night.

Meanwhile, on the other biobed, the Captain also sits up and lets out a relieved sigh when she realizes she’s back in her own body. She winces slightly as she moves to stand and flexes her muscles, frowning.   
“What exactly did you do with my body, Lieutenant?” She grimaces. “It feels like you’ve been working out in the gym all night.” 

I duck my head, unable to look her in the eye as I remember the gymnastics that her body was involved in last night. My own sore muscles are a testimony to that as well. 

Next to me, Tom shrugs lightly. “Like I said, I don’t know how you walk in those heels all day long. I swear it’s like a tightrope balancing act.”   
I risk a look at him, and for once I’m actually glad my husband is such a smooth-talker. 

Janeway throws him an ascertaining look for a moment, but then smirks. 

“Well this whole body-switch thing was definitely one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me.” Tom continues lightly, changing the subject, as he hops off the biobed. 

“We’re Starfleet officers.” Janeway retorts. “Weird is part of the job.” As she talks, she winces again and then touches her left shoulder. “What on Earth…?”

When she starts tugging at her turtleneck to take a closer look at what seems to be bothering her, I suddenly remember how I bit her in the exact same spot last night. And that I forgot to tell Tom this morning to heal it with the dermal regenerator before we left. 

Something akin to panic rises in my chest, wondering what Janeway will do when she realizes it’s a bite mark. My bite mark. I silently pray that she won’t realize what it is, that she will think it’s just a bruise, but as she bares the skin underneath her clavicle the indentations of my teeth are unmistakable. 

For a moment my heart stops beating when she examines her skin. Next to me I hear Tom suck in his breath as he also realizes the truth. 

Then, Janeway’s head snaps up, her gaze going from Tom to me and I know she’s put it all together: the sore muscles in very specific places, the bite mark, the fact that Tom spent the night with me in her body.   
“Would either of you mind explaining this?” The sharpness of her voice matches the daggers shooting from her eyes.

And I just freeze. Even if I knew what to say, I wouldn’t be able to say it. I wouldn’t be able to squeeze the words through my throat, force them from my mouth in any way.   
I see anger and disbelief war for dominance on the Captain’s face and suddenly I think about how I would feel in her place, if it had been me in my body that had been touched without my knowledge or consent.   
Shame grabs me by the throat.

“I expected more from you.” Janeway’s voice is low and thick with emotion. “Both of you.”   
She doesn’t even seem to notice the Doctor when he quietly grabs a dermal regenerator and moves it over her blemished skin, removing the mark altogether. 

Next to me, Tom fidgets slightly. “I’m sorry Captain… I-” 

“I’m not interested in your excuses Mr. Paris.” Janeway interrupts him briskly. “I don’t care how you want to explain your actions.” Her eyes flash angrily from him to me.   
“You crossed the line.” 

I cower slightly under her glare, feeling guilt wash over me. She’s right, we did cross the line. We betrayed her trust in the most unforgivable way: we took advantage of her body.   
The realization makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Next to me, Tom shuffles uncomfortably, but the Captain keeps glaring at us silently.  
“Get out of my sight.” She speaks eventually in a dangerously low voice. “Before I do something I might regret later…” 

“Yes Ma’am.” We both nod and make our way out of Sickbay as fast as we can. 

In the turbolift, Tom exhales heavily. “Whew, for a moment there I thought she was going to throw us out of an airlock.”

I chew on my lip. “Considering what we did to her, I can’t say I would’ve blamed her.” I utter softly.

Tom frowns and turns toward me. “Come on, you’re making it sound as if we tortured her or something.”   
When he sees the upset look on my face, he puts his arm around me. “Hey, it’s okay. Yes, we made a mistake and we should’ve known better. Janeway has a right to be angry, but she’ll get over it.” 

I sigh deeply, turning so that my cheek rests against his chest.   
“I just feel like I… raped her or something.” I murmur. “You know, I touched her without her consent. I violated her.” 

“You’re wrong.” Tom puts his hand under my chin and tilts my head so he can look me in the eye. “You weren’t touching her. You were touching me. And I did give my full consent.” He looks at me pointedly. “You didn’t violate anybody.”

I know he’s trying to make me feel better, but inside I know that’s only the partial truth. Last night I slept with him, yes, but I also slept with her. I got turned on by the sight of her body, by its intoxicating scent, the delicate skin. I may have rationalized that it was alright because it was Tom inside her body, but I can’t deny that at least for one moment I pretended that it was her I was touching and that she was touching me. I can’t deny that I wanted it to be her although I knew it wasn’t. 

“Hey, stop beating yourself up over this.” Tom squeezes my shoulder briefly before the turbolift stops. “She’ll forgive us eventually.” 

I give him a tight smile and sigh. I sure hope he’s right.

~

That evening, I find myself standing at the Captain’s door. My hand hovers over the doorchime as I internally debate whether or not it’s a good idea to press it.

I know that for Tom the matter is closed. He got caught and he’ll face the music and that’s that for him. But it’s not that simple to me. The betrayed look on Janeway’s face keeps haunting me. Alongside her hurt and anger, I could clearly sense her disappointment when she realized what had happened. It felt like being stabbed by a knife and now it’s wedged in my side, causing more pain with every move I make. I want to pull it out, make her understand how sorry I am for what I did, but doing that could make things even worse. And that’s why I’m hesitating at her doorstep. 

In this kind of situation, my Klingon side usually makes the decision for me. It’s clear what the honorable thing to do is in this situation, so I press the doorchime.

Only a moment later, Janeway answers it. Her appearance catches me off guard. Although it’s not very late yet, she’s already out of uniform, instead wearing a peach colored silk nightgown and a matching robe which is hanging open. Her face darkens as she sees me standing at her doorstep.

She looks so different from what I expected, so much more like last night, that it takes me a moment to remember why I’m here. In the instant it takes me to gather my thoughts, she catches me staring at her body and withdraws slightly, quickly closing her robe. Her hands remain clutching the fabric over her chest.   
My stomach drops when I realize she’s trying to protect herself from my stare, as if she thinks I’m some kind of predator. 

“Sorry…” I blurt out, quickly looking away. But she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t seem to move either. When I risk a glance at her face, her eyes are staring at me hard, unforgiving. I swallow before I take a deep breath.

“I came here to apologize. For last night.” I start bravely, wondering if this really is the kind of conversation we should be having while I’m still standing in the corridor where anyone could hear me. The Captain however doesn’t seem inclined to let me in. 

“I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret what happened.” I continue, feeling my resolve waver as I meet her eyes which display an almost hostile look. 

“I think you mostly regret the fact that you got caught.” The words are spit out in a low and angry manner, as if she doesn’t deem me worthy of receiving them. 

“No!” My eyes widen and I reach out to her in a desperate attempt to make her believe me. 

She recoils before I can touch her.  
“Get your hands off me.” 

I cower at the vehemence in her voice, suddenly defeated. It’s clear to me that it won’t matter what I say to try to explain. Her indignation trumps any reasoning I can possibly offer. I’m doomed to bear her wrath. Coming here was a mistake.   
My shoulders sag in resignation as I exhale. 

“Why?” 

The word is uttered so softly I’m not even sure I heard it right. With a frown I look up to find Janeway’s piercing eyes searching mine intently. 

“Why did you do it?” She repeats, louder this time, as I swallow. “Why did you think you had the right to… do what you did?” 

I stare at her, grateful for the chance to redeem myself.  
“I wasn’t thinking.” I whisper. 

“I expect these kinds of antics from Tom.” Janeway throws in. “But not from you.” 

I close my eyes. “It was strange to see him in your body.” I start, only offering the parts of the truth I think she can handle. “But the way he looked at me, I could still see it was him in there, you know?” I look up into her steely blue eyes and swallow as I remember the lustful look in them only yesterday. “It felt like I was touching him. It didn’t occur to me how wrong it was until afterwards.”

The Captain’s eyebrows rise incredulously. “It felt like you were touching him? Surely the difference in anatomy must have become apparent to you at one point?” 

I bow my head, vividly remembering her anatomy and how different it was from Tom’s.   
“I guess I was too caught up in the moment to realize.” I utter weakly. 

Her derisive snort clearly shows what she thinks of my explanation. She crosses her arms and shakes her head. “You know what I think? I think you both just used this incident to inject a little fun into your sex life, because you thought you could get away with it. That sounds a hell of a lot more plausible, don’t you think? That you just used my body for a gratuitous sexual escapade?”

“That’s not what happened!” I all but explode, completely ignoring the fact that I’m still standing in the corridor. “I would never do that to you.” 

She steps forward, out of her quarters, into my personal space. “But you DID do that to me.” She hisses, her face only centimeters from mine. “You touched MY body and at some point you must have realized that. And yet you didn’t stop.”

I swallow, frozen on the spot, unable to deny or refute her words. Because they’re true. I did realize it was her. And I didn’t stop. But not because of the reason she thinks. I’m not the hedonist that she’s making me out to be. 

She stares at me hard, willing me to admit the truth.   
And so I do, because I can’t bear to have her think I’m that self-indulgent.

“I didn’t stop because I wanted it to be you.” 

She blinks, not understanding at first. When her eyes widen in realization, mine do too, as I grasp the significance of what I’ve just admitted, to her and to myself. 

“Fuck.” I breathe and slap my hand in front of my mouth. Although I see the questions rise in her eyes, I completely ignore her.   
Instead I turn and just start running, as far away from her and my admission as possible. 

~ 

In my quarters, I sink down on the couch next to Tom who’s watching his television set. I try to act normal, as if I didn’t just tell the Captain that I wanted her, wondering if my thundering heart beats loud enough for Tom to hear.

“How did it go?” He glances at me for a second before turning his head back to the television. 

I try to shrug nonchalantly. “I don’t think she’ll forgive us anytime soon.” I mutter. 

Tom turns to me fully now, sensing I’m upset. He grabs my hand and I suddenly feel less out of control, more grounded.   
“Do you want me to talk to her?” 

I snort. “Why do I have the feeling that would only make things worse?”   
But I squeeze his hand nonetheless, grateful for the support. I realize with a pang how much this man would do for me and suddenly I feel guilty for even having desired someone else. 

He lifts his arm and wraps it around my shoulder, pulling me closer. I snuggle into his safe embrace.   
“She’ll come around.” He offers, his attention already slipping back to the screen. 

I focus on the warmth of his body, the rising and falling of his chest against me as he breathes and occasionally snickers as he watches his program.   
“I’m glad you’re you again.” I mumble against his neck. 

“Me too.” He grins. “Although I could’ve gotten used to having my own set of breasts to play with at any given time.” 

“Idiot.” I mumble, feeling my heart rate increase again.

“I didn’t hear you object last night.” He smirks and I blush at the memory of touching those breasts. 

“I prefer your muscular torso any day of the week.” I state, patting his pecks while trying very hard to believe my own words. 

“So you should.” Tom grins smugly. 

We sit in silence after that, as he continues to watch the television and I try my best to think about anything except Janeway or the events of the previous night.


	3. Chapter 3

“You left rather abruptly.”

With a start I look up from the engine schematics I’ve been engrossed in for the better part of the day to see the Captain leaning against the doorjamb of my office. It actually takes me a full second to realize that she’s talking about my impromptu declaration in the corridor in front of her quarters the night before, but when I do, my stomach clenches uncomfortably and I swallow hard in an attempt to maintain my composure. 

She takes a couple of steps inside my office and my eyes widen as I realize that my plan –to avoid her and this conversation for the next ten years or so– seems to be failing miserably. 

The expression on my face must not be as neutral as I think it is because Janeway frowns as she sits down on the chair at the opposite side of my desk.   
“Are you alright?” 

I lean back in my own chair, partly in an attempt to act nonchalant, partly to increase the distance between her and me which is suddenly way too small. The air around me seems to grow thicker.  
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I intended the words to come out confident, but my voice sounds shrill, even to my own ears. 

Janeway tilts her head slightly to the side as she studies me intently.   
I can’t read the look on her face and for a minute it occurs to me that things were a lot simpler when she was just mad at me for what I did during the whole body-switch-thing. It was somehow infinitely less disturbing to have her looking at me in disdain, thinking that I was just in it for the sex than it is to have her looking at me with this caring, soul searching gaze that seem to cut right down to the essence of me.

“Do you have feelings for me?” 

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding and it comes out like a hiss. I look away, trying to escape her all-knowing eyes.   
“I’m with Tom.” 

“The two don’t mutually exclude each other.”   
Her voice is soft, oddly comforting, tinged with a hint of a smirk. 

I turn back to her, sitting up straighter. “I’m happy with Tom.” I add, more forcefully. It’s true. It’s a fact. It’s irrefutable. 

She looks down then, conceding, and I know the twinge in my stomach is not due to any victory of mine.   
Silently she moves to stand, but then pauses just before she turns to leave.   
“And yet, in that moment, you wanted it to be me.” 

And those softly spoken words –my own, the ones that I fired at her and that changed everything– hit me back now, like a bullet ricocheting off a wall.

~

I sit staring at the wall for quite a while before I’m capable of focusing on the schematics in front of me again. And even when I do manage to look at them, it’s with unseeing eyes as my mind still drifts back to the words that have been spoken and to the things that went unsaid. I exhale heavily, not willing to deal with what any of it might mean. 

When, moments later, I see a figure in the corner of my eyes, my stomach clenches for fear the Captain has returned. And I’m not ready for that. I wonder if I’ll ever be.

But it turns out it’s only Harry.   
“Come on, we’re getting something to eat.” 

Relief flows through me. “Sure.” I nod, eager for something –anything– that might distract me. So I throw him a smile. “Are you excited about your recital tonight?” 

With youthful enthusiasm, Harry grins and proceeds to tell me all about the program that he and Voyager’s resident jazz band have put together as we’re making our way to the Mess Hall. Even after we’ve met up with Tom and are waiting in line at the counter for our food, he doesn’t shut up about it.

Finally Tom throws his hands up. “Harry, enough with the recital already. There’s life beyond this.” 

Harry’s face falls a bit. “B’Elanna said you’re really looking forward to our performance tonight.”

Tom smirks and I grin, knowing that what he’s really looking forward to is the massage I promised him afterwards IF he manages to sit through the whole recital tonight. 

“Of course, of course.” Tom smooth-talks his way out of it. “It’s just that… I don’t want to know everything about your repertoire up front. I’d rather be surprised tonight, that’s all.”

He leans closer to me from behind, lightly kissing my temple as he whispers in my ear. “That massage better be worth it.” 

I lean back against his chest, grinning smugly. “Oh, it will be.” 

Just then, my eyes fall on Janeway, sitting at one of the tables in the Mess Hall. My smile freezes on my face when I realize she’s watching me intently. 

In front of me, Harry mutters something about Tom and I needing to get a room but I don’t pay attention to him. My heart is suddenly beating in my throat and I look away, feeling exposed somehow. 

Cheerful, almost too cheerful, I turn around and pick up my tray of food. Avoiding all eye contact with the Captain, I head towards a table at the other side of the Mess Hall, careful to sit down with my back towards her. If Tom or Harry notice how strange I’m acting –or at least I feel like I’m acting– they don’t mention it.

I feel her gaze burning on my back and try to ignore it during my meal. Only when I see her leave the room from the corner of my eyes, I let out a deep breath, feeling my muscles relax. 

“You okay?” Tom asks when I slump in my chair.

“Fine.” I answer, throwing him a smile. And at the same time I’m wondering: what the hell is happening to me? 

~

“Come on, the recital’s about to start.” I hiss at Tom when the lights darken partially. “There are a couple of empty seats over there.” 

Behind me, Tom groans when I point towards the first row. He’s not a first row kind of guy for this sort of thing. And in fact, neither am I, but we’re late and we seem to be out of options. 

I spot Chakotay and make a move to sit down next to him when he smiles and gestures to the seat next to him. “This one’s taken. But those two next to it are still free.” 

There’s already some rustling on the stage, so nodding quickly, I push Tom back a little and sit down, leaving one seat between me and Chakotay.   
And then it hits me who the empty seat next to me is for.

“Welcome everyone.” 

My mouth suddenly goes dry. 

“It’s great to see that our resident jazz quartet is so popular.” The Captain speaks, gesturing to the audience. The place is packed. 

“Tonight Voyager’s very own Deltones will take us on a musical tour through the Delta Quadrant, bringing us some familiar tunes with some ‘local’ influences.” She gestures to the stage. “Enjoy!” 

Smiling broadly, she walks in my direction, clapping together with the rest of the audience. And then she sits down. Next to me. Close. So close in fact I can smell her perfume, feel her body heat. 

I try to slow my racing heart. I’ve sat next to her already countless times before. This is no different, I tell myself. Except that it is. Because that was before I bit her and found out how soft the skin below her clavicle felt against my lips. And before she found out that I performed that little Klingon act on her without her knowledge or consent. 

Sitting ramrod straight, I focus on my breathing.   
It’s impossible to tell how much time has passed when I feel Tom’s hand on my thigh. 

“Are you alright?” He must notice I’m tense. He leans closer to me. “If you want we can skip this part and go straight to the massage.” He whispers suggestively in my ear. 

I roll my eyes, feeling myself relax marginally. “Not a chance.” I whisper back and lean back in my seat, directing my attention to the performance.   
I focus on the music, noting the familiarity of the tunes and how Harry and his friends subtly tweaked things to make it their own. The melodies surround me, draw me in and for a moment I even manage to forget where I am.   
The music swells, a crescendo towards the big finale and when the final note resounds, the audience roars and people rise from their seats, applauding and whistling fiercely. 

“Bravo!” I hear the Captain shout next to me and when I turn my head, so does she. The smile on her face is so wide, so genuine, so full of joy that it leaves me without breath for a moment. She holds my gaze for a little longer than necessary and I see her eyes soften before she turns back to the stage applauding the musicians once more.

I’m still looking at her, at how carefree she seems when Tom circles his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. “How about we move on to the better part of this evening?” He whispers in my ear before he nips at my earlobe. A shiver of excitement runs along my spine and I let him lead me away.

In our quarters he guides me to bed and I start kneading the muscles of his shoulders as promised. Not long after that, our touches become more heated and I find myself on my back with him towering over me. He kisses me, slowly marking a trail down my belly. 

I moan and he looks up, grinning at me. And suddenly all I can see is her smile. All I can think of is the memory of her hands touching me, of her scent on my skin. And somehow, right this moment, I pretend I’m here with her instead of him.  
When I come, much harder than usual, I bite down on my bottom lip so hard that it bleeds, for fear I might accidentally scream her name instead of his.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s two days later when I’m in the turbolift on my way to the Briefing Room for the weekly staff meeting when the lift stops on Deck Eight and Janeway enters. 

“Captain.” I nod in greeting. I feel a twinge of guilt in my stomach for the way I’ve been thinking about her.

She nods curtly in my direction and orders the lift to Deck One.   
We ride in silence and I wish I could find some way to break it. 

“Did you really mean it?” 

She hasn’t turned around, so for a moment I’m not even entirely sure she has spoken to me.   
I frown. “Excuse me?” 

Now she turns to face me, her expression oddly vulnerable. “That you wanted it to be me.” She speaks softly, her voice lower and less commanding than usual. “Did you mean it?” 

I swallow, the memory of fantasizing about her still in the forefront of my mind.   
“Yes.” I hear myself say before I’ve really thought it through. It’s the truth though. 

The expression on her face changes to something I can’t recognize and I feel her eyes on me, studying me. 

Then the turbolift stops on Deck One and the doors open. Her shoulders sag, as if in resignation, and without saying anything, she turns around and heads for the Briefing Room. 

Puzzled, I just stare at her receding back for a second. And then I follow her to the Briefing Room, wondering what on earth that was all about. 

Confused, I take my seat at the table, mindlessly stacking my PADDs as I study the Captain from the corner of my eye. Nothing about her seems to make sense to me anymore. Since that night in the corridor in front of her quarters, she went from angry to ridiculously understanding to being indifferent. And now she’s acting downright weird. 

Tom enters the room and pauses next to me, bending over to talk to me. “I made reservations on the Holodeck.” 

I look up at him blankly, my mind still mulling over the Captain’s behavior. 

“For date night tonight?” He adds, and then I remember that’s indeed today.

“Oh, right.” I nod and throw him a smile. “Great.” 

“Don’t worry. It’ll be more romantic than last time.” Tom grins sheepishly as he takes his seat next to Harry. 

“Where did you take her last time?” Harry joins the conversation. “An Aurelian strip club?” 

I shake my head, thinking back to the event. “Much, much worse.” I give Tom a dirty look and notice he has the good grace to still be a little bit ashamed. And rightfully so I might add.   
“He took me to a monster truck rally.” 

“Very romantic.” Harry makes a face and then punches Tom in the arm. “That’s for taking her instead of me.” 

I’m rolling my eyes at their antics when the Captain calls us all to order. Her gaze rests briefly on me and that’s enough to set my mind off on its previous tangent again. 

As the meeting starts around me, I find myself thinking about Kathryn Janeway once more. She may be acting weird around me, but I can hardly be accused of acting like my normal self either lately. I feel ashamed by thinking about her the way that I do. It’s not fair to Tom and it’s not fair to her. But I just can’t seem to help myself. And although I want it to stop, I also really don’t want it to stop at all. Because although I know it’s not good for me, it does feel… so good. Exhilarating even. I’ve had one taste of something I didn’t even know I wanted and now I’m hopelessly addicted.

“B’Elanna?” 

Her blue eyes draw me in and suddenly I wonder how much of my thoughts she can pick up on. I swallow.

“Status?” She asks with a slight frown on her features.

“Right.” I nod, grabbing my PADD, just to give myself something to do. “Uh, nothing special to report.” I say, pretending to read it from the small screen although I know by heart what the status of my department is. “Climate control in Hydroponics is acting up a little. Vorrik’s taking a look at it.” 

The Captain nods as she takes in the information and directs her gaze at Tuvok for his report. And I try really hard to focus on the rest of the meeting without letting my thoughts wander. I succeed for the most part, surprisingly.

When Janeway dismisses us, we all stand.

“I’ll see you in the Shuttle Bay in half an hour.” Tom speaks to Seven as he approaches me. “I guess I’ll have to take a rain check for our date tonight.” He smiles apologetically.

I frown. “Huh?” And then realize what he just said to Seven. “You’re going on an away mission?” I try not to make it sound like a question but fail miserably, even to my own ears.

“Uh, yes.” Tom states. “The Captain just ordered us to investigate the strange sensor readings coming from a quasar.” He grins. “Were you not here just now?” He squeezes my arm and then hugs me as he kisses my forehead. “So, rain check?”

“Sorry to ruin your plans.” Janeway speaks as she passes by us. “But I need my best pilot for this mission.” 

When she’s out of the room, Tom sighs. “I guess she still hasn’t quite forgiven us yet…” 

“Seems so.” I utter. Then I shrug. “Rain check. Right?” 

He nods sullenly, so I lightly swat his ass and grin. “Go be the best pilot you can be.”

~

When I enter my quarters I absentmindedly rub my arms and I shiver. It’s been a long day –that little problem in Hydroponics was a little more persistent than I first thought– and now I’m tired. My first instinct is to call out for Tom, but then I remember he’s on the away mission, so I promptly order the Computer to increase the room temperature by five degrees. My Klingon blood rejoices in that small delight. Being alone for the night should have its perks. 

I fall down on the bed and spread my arms wide. Another plus: I get the bed all to myself. No fighting over the duvet tonight.   
With a sigh I exhale and pull myself upright to head towards the bathroom so I can take a shower before going to bed. 

When the sonic pulses are humming over my skin, I idly wonder what Tom had planned for us tonight. And with that I wonder once again why the Captain sent him away. 

Tom seems to think she did it to punish us, because she’s still mad at us for the body-switch-incident. But I’m not so sure. She’s just not the vindictive type. Moreover, given my little confession, I’m not convinced she’s still mad at us. Of course Tom doesn’t know that.

But if she’s not angry anymore, then why? I know Janeway overheard the conversation I had with Tom prior to the meeting. She must have understood we had plans. And she could’ve sent anyone to pilot the Delta Flyer for this mission. It didn’t have to be Tom specifically. 

The more I think about it, the more it does seem… odd. Something is not right here, and it bothers me.  
So that’s why, after my shower, instead of going to bed like I had planned, I find myself trekking to her quarters, in search of answers. 

Even as I press the doorchime, I’m not sure what I hope to gain from this. I almost turn around when there’s no immediate answer but then the door opens after all.   
Just like last time, the Captain is in her night attire already. If she’s surprised to see me, she doesn’t show it. 

“Why did you send Tom to pilot the flyer?” The question comes out before I can think about it and I cringe inwardly on how aggressive it sounds. 

Janeway glances around the corridor, this time more wary of prying ears, and steps back.   
“Why don’t you come in?” 

“Why Tom?” I repeat, softer now. After all, I’m here for answers, not a fight. “Why not someone else?” 

Janeway eyes me for a moment. “He’s Voyager’s leading pilot.” She answers succinctly and then shrugs. “He usually jumps at the chance to take the Delta Flyer out for a spin.” 

That comment really rubs me the wrong way. As if flying is Tom’s only priority. “Well, perhaps he’d have preferred spending the evening with me this time.” I bite back.

Something I can’t identify flashes in her eyes. “Perhaps.” 

I narrow my eyes at her response. Maybe Tom was right after all.   
“Or perhaps you just wanted to punish us for… what we did.” I utter in a low voice.

The surprise on her face at my suggestion is genuine. “What?”

I frown. “You heard us talking about our plans for tonight, before the meeting. I saw you looking at us.” 

The way she casts her eyes downward tells me I’m right. 

“So is that why you sent him?” I press.

She looks me in the eye. Her mouth is set in a thin line of determination. “I sent Tom because as a Captain, it’s my responsibility to send the best pilot I have for a potentially dangerous mission.” 

I counter her stare with my own, turning it into a battle of wills.   
“You’re lying.” I state, feeling quite sure of myself. “You’re hiding behind your rulebook because you know you have no other acceptable reason for sending him specifically.” My eyes narrow. “Except for deliberately ruining our plans because you’re still angry.” 

Much to my surprise she looks away again, obviously taking a moment before she faces me.   
“I could have sent someone else.” She admits softly. “Can we leave it at that?” 

The pleading look in her eyes throws me, kicks me squarely in the stomach. There’s something here. Something she’s not telling me.

“No.” I counter, suddenly determined.

“B’Elanna…” She sighs, half-shaking her head. “Please. Just drop it.” 

“No.” I repeat and her shoulders sag.   
When she turns away from me, I grab her arm, frustrated.   
“Kathryn.” 

At the sound of her name, she snaps up her head and stares at me wordlessly. My breath catches at the look in her eyes. For a moment I stare unabashedly, something I’ve never dared to do. There’s surprise on her face and that unidentified look I’ve seen before, the one that looks like she’s fighting against something. 

I’ve never seen her like this, so close. And I want more. The fire in my blood suddenly takes on a whole new quality.

“Kathryn.” I breathe, this time much softer and I observe in wonder how the sound of her name sends ripples through her. Our gazes are locked for a moment and we’re both breathing in sync.

Then she turns her head, trying to tear her gaze away. But I step closer, guide her chin back up with my hand and press my lips against hers. It goes so fast and feels so right that it takes me a moment to realize that she’s not kissing me back. In fact she’s not moving at all.   
I swallow, knowing I just made a colossal mistake. 

I pull back, opening my mouth to apologize when I feel her hand wrap around my wrist in an iron grip. She stares at me, wide-eyed, standing stock-still. I wonder for a moment whether I could make it out of her quarters before she explodes in anger if I break away and run really, really fast.

And then her lips are on mine and it’s my turn to be surprised.   
The kiss is unusual. Tentative, slow, almost reluctant in a way. Her movements are a bit stiff like she’s not entirely sure how it’s done in the first place. 

I respond hesitantly, not entirely convinced she won’t slap me in the face.   
I needn’t have worried because my movement only spurs her on. She deepens the kiss and all I can think now is that she definitely knows how it’s done and, oh god, is that her tongue? 

Her hand lets go of my wrist and instead snakes around my head where her fingers weave into my hair, grasping it firmly. 

I don’t know why this is happening, but frankly I don’t care. All I want is to lose myself in this moment, in her, because this is way better than when Tom kissed me in her body. This is what I fantasized about. 

Heat courses through me and I move closer to her, pressing my body against hers. Her answering moan only urges me on. The silk of her robe is smooth beneath my fingertips as I run my hands over her back, pulling her closer. I’m plucking at the fabric, trying to get rid of it when she breaking the kiss and pushes me away, breathing hard.

“Get out.” 

“What?” I look at her dazedly, equally out of breath, somehow thinking that maybe she means I should get out of my clothes. But one look at her face tells me otherwise. 

She clutches her robe tightly in front of her chest. “I want you to go. Get out.” 

I stare at her incomprehensibly, trying to get my mind in working order so I can figure out what’s happening. 

“Get out!” She yells.

Still too stunned to react, I stumble backwards towards the door and exit without saying anything. 

~

In the morning I’m still just as confused. I’ve been lying awake the entire night, replaying the event before my mind’s eye countless times, trying to figure out what happened. But I still don’t understand. 

I overstepped when I kissed her. That much I know. Given my recent mistake during the body switch it was probably the most profoundly asinine thing I could have possibly done. I let myself get carried away in that stupid fantasy I’ve been having about her, and I kissed her, thereby probably ruining whatever chance I might still have had at restoring any kind of normal interaction with her in the future. 

Sitting idly by, waiting for problems to solve themselves is not my usual style, so I press the doorchime to the Ready Room and take a deep breath as I enter. Janeway visibly stiffens as she notices it’s me. But I need to make amends.

“Captain.” I greet her formally, politely, as I walk in. I’m intent on saving whatever is salvageable here. And that begins with an apology.   
“About what happened last night, I’m so-”

“I’m the one who should apologize.” She cuts me off and I halt in surprise. She rises from her seat, rounding her desk. “It shouldn’t have happened. I should have stopped it from the moment-” She pauses, then exhales and looks away, almost as if she’s embarrassed. 

I frown, wondering why she would be the one who’s embarrassed when I am the one who overstepped and kissed her. 

Unless… she’s embarrassed for kissing me back?  
The memory of her lips on mine, kissing me hungrily, her hands tangled in my hair comes back to me. I recall her initial reluctance and the tormented look in her eyes as if she was fighting something within her.   
Could it have been… desire? 

My eyes widen in realization. “Wait, you wanted it too?” Somehow, I never even considered that possibility.

She swallows hard. “I…” She starts, but the look in her eyes tells me more than her words ever could. Around me, the whole universe screeches to a halt. 

Ever since I’ve known her, my attraction to her has been a one way thing. At first it was pretty much latent, lingering somewhere in the back of my mind. I don’t even think I was consciously aware of it really. I just always thought I admired her as Captain. 

Since the body switch incident, my attraction came to the forefront in full force, to the point of being all-consuming.   
But it was always just a fantasy, something that existed only in my head. Not something that I necessarily thought could happen in reality, certainly nothing I ever imagined could be reciprocated. 

“What are you saying?” I breathe, trying hard to slow down my raging heart. 

She looks at me and there’s a vulnerability in her gaze that I’ve rarely seen before. There is no trace of rank, of Starfleet, of the command that normally oozes from every one of her pores. Just her, standing in front of me, all the usual pretenses gone. 

“Your impromptu declaration that night… That you wanted it to be me? It caught me completely by surprise.” She speaks softly. “I never knew you felt that way about me.” She tilts her head and lightly shakes it. “All these years I’ve known you… And I never had a clue…”   
She holds my gaze for a moment before she sighs, holding up her hands in an apologetic manner. “I let my curiosity get the best of me last night. And I should have known better. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” I blurt out while I take a step toward her. And then I hesitate, unsure of what might happen if I get too close. The fantasy is one thing, reality quite another. And I don’t trust that right now I’m able to make that distinction. 

“B’Elanna…”   
Her voice is low, tinged with a warning, laced with repressed emotion. 

“I don’t really know what to do with… all this.” I wave my hand between us for lack of a better way to describe all the emotions that are passing between us. 

She throws me a sad and wistful smile. “There isn’t much we can do, given our circumstances… You’re married. And I’m your senior officer.” 

I stare at her and I fight the urge to close the distance between us and ghost my fingertips over her cheeks, telling her that none of that matters. That would be a fitting gesture in my fantasy, but this is real life, which means there would be consequences to my actions that I’m not ready to face. Every step I take with her would have an impact on my marriage and on the functioning of this ship. Whatever this is, whatever it could be, it has no place in either of our lives. It has no real future. And we both know it. 

That thought just fills me with an inexplicable sadness. It breaks my heart to see the same sentiment reflected back to me in her eyes.

The doorchime abruptly pierces through the heavy silence and she needs a couple of seconds to compose herself before she can answer. Somehow the knowledge that she requires time to regain her composure after this conversation soothes me. I’m not the only one who will need time to process all this. 

Chakotay steps into the Ready Room, oblivious to the emotions that still hang in the air.   
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were busy.” He speaks when his eyes fall on me. 

The Captain looks at me and we both know I can see her right through her façade. Chakotay doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary. To him, we’re just a Captain and her Chief Engineer, having a discussion like the hundreds of times we did before. Little does he know that after this conversation, nothing will ever be the same.

“That’s alright Commander.” Janeway answers and her unflappable tone is in stark contrast with what just happened moments before. “We’re finished here.”


	5. Chapter 5

I wonder if it is possible to mourn something that never existed in the first place. Because that’s what it feels like, like I lost a possibility, a potential…

Or a fantasy, it suddenly occurs to me.  
I’m mourning the fantasy that died when it intersected with reality. That’s probably the best explanation for the sense of loss that’s been accompanying me all day. 

Although I know it’s pointless, I can’t help but wonder what could have been, in different circumstances. Her soft spoken admission stirred something deep inside me, a bittersweet awakening of hidden desires. I imagine Janeway must feel quite similar.   
It’s ironic to know that our sadness over impossible possibilities is what will bind us forever. 

Most of my crew in Engineering have been aware my rather dark mood today and are giving me a wide berth. That’s why at the end of my shift, I find myself alone on the upper level of Engineering. I’m staring with unseeing eyes at the readout of my console, when I feel strong arms being wrapped around me from behind. I revel in their soothing warmth and lean back against a familiar chest. Suddenly I feel safe, loved, calmer too. 

“You’re back.” I murmur.

“Did you miss me?” 

I feel Tom smiling as he whispers in my ear and I turn around in his embrace to wrap my arms around his neck. I answer his question by kissing him soundly, hoping it will chase away my darkness completely.   
If ever I needed him to be my knight in shining armor, to slay my demons, it’s now.

“I should go away more often…” He grins boyishly when we both come up for air. 

His joke is familiar, typical and exactly what I need right now. As stupid as it may be, it makes me feel safe and wanted. It makes me focus on what I have, rather than on what will never be.

“Any chance I can take that rain check tonight?” I ask hopefully, referring to our interrupted plans of the night before. 

He scrunches his face. “I’m not sure I can get Holodeck time on such short notice…” 

I tilt my head and wiggle my eyebrows suggestively. “We don’t really need the Holodeck for what I have in mind…” 

He breaks out in a full-on grin. “I definitely should go away more often.” 

~

The next morning I’m riding the turbolift with Tom, on our way to the Briefing Room. 

“So, should I be volunteering for the next away mission?” Tom grins as he looks at me. “Because I kind of enjoyed the welcome home you gave me last night.” 

I blush as I swat his arm. But before I can say anything, the lift stops again and the Captain steps in.   
My chest tightens when I see her. She looks like she hasn’t slept at all. 

“Good morning Captain.” Tom smiles politely. I just nod slightly and then look down, as if I suddenly find my own feet fascinating.

“Lieutenants.” Janeway greets us both neutrally as the turbolift resumes its short journey to Deck One. 

“Seven and I recorded some very interesting data yesterday.” Tom continues, unaware of any uneasiness. 

“Let’s discuss it in the meeting, where everyone else will be present, Mister Paris.” Janeway replies curtly. 

We continue in silence and Tom gestures at the Captain’s back with a frown when I venture a glance at him. I just shrug in reply, not really sure what else to do.   
She must be feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation, just like I am.   
I wonder if this tension will ever go away. 

In the Briefing Room, most of the senior staff is already present and we all take our seats, waiting for Seven to display the sensor readings she and Tom obtained from the quasar. From the corner of my eyes I study the Captain as she talks to Chakotay. 

When she turns to face the room, our gazes cross and she holds mine for a second. I raise my eyebrows a little, wordless asking if she’s alright. Her expression softens ever so slightly in response, conveying that she’s okay, or at least that she will be. I feel relieved and only then realize how worried I was in the first place. It strikes me at that moment how our admissions have created a bond between us anyway, regardless of the fact that it has no future. 

“Alright Seven, let’s show us what you’ve got.” The Captain addresses the Borg, and I notice that her voice seems a little stronger now. She seems more at ease now too.   
The thought warms me. 

At the display, Seven pulls up the sensor data and begins to explain the readings she and Tom have recorded. Despite my preoccupation with the Captain, I can’t help but being intrigued by what I’m seeing. There is something strange about it indeed. Something doesn’t add up and my scientific mind can’t help but trying to solve the riddle. 

“These high neutrino levels puzzle me.” The Captain muses out loud and I admire that she’s able to point out the abnormality so quickly. 

Seven nods. “Indeed. The frequency of the emissions is unusual for a quasar of this type.” 

Janeway steps closer to the monitor. “It almost seems like the type of emissions you’d expect from a wormhole…” She continues, rearranging the sensor data. “But the subspace morphology doesn’t add up for that.” 

And suddenly I see it. “You’re wrong, it does add up.” I interject as I step forward. 

Janeway’s gaze pierces through me, but I don’t think about that now, because I know I’ve found the answer. “The quasar’s gravitational field distorts certain subspace layers…” I tap the console. “Computer, run an inverse Peyton analysis on the subspace energy readings.” 

While the Computer executes my command, I turn to the Captain. “Let’s see the energy readings without the quasar’s subspace interference…” 

The gleam in her eyes tells me she’s caught on. At the beep of the Computer, our heads whip towards the screen and silence fills the room as we interpret the data.

“Well it doesn’t look like a typical wormhole to me.” The Captain utters.

“No.” I frown. “That’s because we’re looking at the unfixed end of an interspatial flexure.” 

“Can we see where it leads?” Harry asks. 

“Not from this data.” Seven replies. “We would have to send a probe through to ascertain that.”

“If it’s the unfixed end of an interspatial flexure,” the Captain continues, “how will we know where and when it will appear next to send a probe through?” 

I tilt my head. “We know where it will appear.” I tap the screen. “According to these sensor readings we’ve already detected three distinct openings of the flexure in the twenty-four hours we’ve been recording. That’s way too much to be a coincidence. My guess is that the quasar somehow attracts this end of the tether.” 

Next to me Seven of Nine tilts her head. “A transkinetic analysis should allow us to predict when it will open again.” 

“Alright.” The Captain nods and I see a sliver of excitement in her eyes. “Seven, find out when this flexure will open again. Harry, work with B’Elanna to get a probe ready. Let’s see where this rabbit hole leads.” 

~

Harry and I are both so engrossed in our work on the probe we only register Tom’s presence when he literally steps between us and the probe itself. 

“Are you seriously standing me up for this ugly thing?” He inquires as he looks from Harry to me. We both stare at him blankly. “We were all going to have lunch together?” Tom continues and I frown, looking at the time in disbelief. 

Harry notices and shrugs. “Time flies when you’re having fun.” 

“Right.” Tom rolls his eyes. “Mess Hall, you two. I’m starving and I’m betting you are too.” 

“Where do you think the flexure leads?” Harry asks no one in particular when we grab our lunch and sit down at an empty table. 

“Well, if we knew that, we wouldn’t be sending the probe in.” I answer dryly. “Have you not been paying attention?” 

Tom chuckles but Harry ignores him completely. “But I’m just saying, given how far we are from home, the chances of it leading somewhere closer to home are pretty high.” 

“Harry, Harry,…” Tom rolls his eyes. “After all this time, after everything we’ve seen, how is that you still expect every anomaly we encounter to deliver you right at your mother’s doorstep?” 

Taking it all in stride, Harry just grins. “I’m an optimist.” He points at Janeway as she enters the Mess Hall. “I’m sure the Captain agrees with me, don’t you Captain?” 

Hearing her title, Janeway looks up from the PADD she’s holding. “Agree on what, Ensign?” 

“Harry is convinced that this flexure will be our ticket home.” Tom supplies helpfully. “Just like all the other times.” 

Janeway throws Harry a soft smile. “One day, Harry… One day.”   
And I know that deep down, she’s hoping it will be today as much as Harry is. 

“Do you want to join us for lunch Captain?” Tom asks, pointing at the free chair at our table. 

Her smile fades as she looks from him to me. “Another time perhaps.”   
She holds up her PADD, feebly indicating she has work to do and chooses a place to sit, alone, at the other end of the Mess Hall. 

When Harry gets up to get a refill on his potato-leek soup, Tom leans to me. “I can’t believe she’s still avoiding us. Shouldn’t she be over this whole body-switch-thing by now?” 

Not knowing how else to respond, I just shrug. “Give her some time.” I mumble. I’m not about to enlighten him regarding the true reason why she feels uncomfortable with me or him. 

I stare at her back at the other side of the Mess Hall and I wonder if this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach every time I see her will ever go away.

~

I’ve rerouted controls to the Bridge so that I can coordinate the probe launch with Harry. The probe’s prelaunch checks are complete so there’s nothing to do but wait until the spatial flexure opens again. According to Seven’s calculations that should happen in less than two minutes. There’s an excitable kind of tension on the Bridge. People are quite curious where this hole in space could lead. After all, as Harry puts it, it has the potential to shave a few years off our trip. And if not, well, there’s always the thrill of a new scientific curiosity: a spatial flexure this close to a quasar is quite unique. 

My eyes fall on the Captain who’s also showing signs of contained excitement. She looks a little better now, less sleep deprived, more like herself. I’m happy about that, because where I have taken solace in Tom’s arms, I know she hasn’t had that luxury. 

“Thirty seconds until the appearance of the spatial flexure.” Harry states and a wave of anticipation flows through every single person on the Bridge. I check the status of the probe one final time. All systems ready. 

“Ten seconds.” Harry announces. “Five, four, three, two, one, detecting neutrino emissions.” The grin in his voice is evident.

Janeway turns to me. “Lieutenant, launch the probe.” 

I nod as my fingers fly over the controls. “Probe’s away, all systems nominal.” I report. 

“Detecting subspace fluctuations.” Harry continues. “The flexure is opening.” 

“On screen.” Janeway orders and the light of the quasar fills the Bridge. Slightly below it, a faint simmering indicates the presence of the spatial flexure. “Magnify.”

On the viewscreen our probe can be seen heading directly toward the phenomenon. A flash of light occurs. 

“Event horizon formed.” Harry announces.

“Take it in.” Janeway orders but I’m already on it. 

“We’re in.” I announce a second later. “The telemetry is coming through at a steady pace.” 

Harry chimes in. “No sign of the other end yet.” 

“Are you getting this Seven?” Janeway asks the Borg who is in Astrometrics to analyze the information the probe is sending through. 

“Affirmative.” Comes the dispassionate voice, although after all these years I know she’s just as excited about this as the rest of us. 

“Steady as she goes Lieutenant.” 

I check the probe’s readouts and wonder what it’s going to find on the other side, wherever that may be.

“I’m detecting changes in the neutrino flux.” Harry states. “I think it’s nearing the other end.” 

The Bridge Staff keeps its collective breath as the probe enters normal space again and my readout screen fills with data from an unknown region of space. 

“We’re receiving data from the other side.” I breathe. 

“Seven?” Janeway barks, her unstated order more than clear.

“Starting analysis now.” The Borg responds immediately. 

“The flexure is showing signs of decay on this end.” Harry states. “I estimate it will only stay open for another thirty seconds.” 

The Captain nods. “Make sure we get everything that probe is transmitting.” 

“The probe’s telemetry is becoming erratic.” I state, trying to clear up the noise as much as possible, but I know it will be over soon. 

“The flexure is closing…” Harry shakes his head. 

The probe’s transmission ends abruptly right before another flash of light signals the disappearance of the flexure. 

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. My part of the operation was a success. We obtained data from the other side. Now we can only hope that it’s what we want to hear. 

The Captain gets up from her chair. “Harry, B’Elanna, you’re with me. Chakotay, you have the Bridge.” 

On our way to Astrometrics, no one says anything, but I can feel the anticipation buzzing all around us. Despite common sense, every single one of us has high hopes and we desperately pray they won’t be squashed yet again. 

In Astrometrics Seven is in full control. “We recorded two minutes and fifteen point six seconds of useful data from the other side.” The Computer is running a spectral analysis and comparing the stellar configurations with all known information in our databases.” 

Glancing at a nearby console, Janeway nods. “When will the analysis be finished?” 

“Approximately one minute, fifty seconds.” 

It might as well take an eternity.   
I’m sure we must look quite comical, the four of us, standing almost immobile for fear that a breath in the wrong direction might influence the results.   
After long seconds the computer finally beeps, indicating the analysis is finished and suddenly there’s a flurry of activity as all of us gather around Seven’s monitor. 

“It’s the Alpha Quadrant…” Harry utters in astonishment. 

Seven nods. “A remote sector, but yes, the Alpha Quadrant.” She confirms, a slight tremor in her voice belying her excitement. 

I turn to the monitor on my right to confirm the results by myself. 

“Any sign of a temporal shift?” Harry asks.

I check the readings for residual tachyons or anything else that might indicate that the other side is existing out of time sync with us, but I find none. “Nothing out of the ordinary from what I’m seeing.” I state.

Next to me Seven tilts her head. “Stellar cartography confirms that this location is in the Alpha Quadrant, existing in the same space-time continuum as we are. The journey from there to Earth would take a couple of months at high warp.” 

We all look at the Captain, who still has to give any kind of reaction. 

“So what’s the catch?” She whispers feebly. 

Seven clasps her hands behind her back. “At this moment there doesn’t appear to be a… catch.” 

Janeway exhales and reaches out to squeeze Harry’s arm. “Maybe today’s your day after all, Ensign.”   
At the young man’s bright smile, she allows a grin to break through on her face as well.   
When her gaze crosses mine, I can see how much she wants this and more for her sake than for mine, I find myself praying that today will indeed be the day.

~

Like most of the crew, my thoughts frequently stray to the Alpha Quadrant during my shift. Will we be only a couple of months away from home tomorrow? Will we see our loved ones? What will have changed after the years that have passed? 

These and many other questions run through my head as I work with my team to reinforce the shields so that they will be able to withstand the close proximity to the quasar. One thing’s for sure: even with all our modifications it will still be a very bumpy ride. 

By the time I’ve double checked that the modified shields will work, it’s well into the graveyard shift. I sigh, looking around Engineering which is now almost empty. Most of my crewmen have left to get some sleep by now. And since the flexure won’t open before noon tomorrow anyhow, I decide to call it a night as well.

On my way to my quarters, the grumbling of my stomach makes me realize that I have missed dinner, so I redirect the turbolift to the Mess Hall. I’m sure Neelix will have saved some leftovers somewhere.

Even at this hour, the lights are still on when I enter. There’s someone sitting on the couch in the corner, asleep from the looks of it. It’s the Captain, I notice, even from afar. The red-shouldered jacket tossed haplessly next to the big coffee pot on the table is a dead giveaway. Quietly I move closer and I take a moment to look at her. Should I wake her or just leave her like this? She’ll have a sore neck in the morning if she remains in this position. 

Her chest rises and falls slowly, her mouth is slightly agape. I stare at her for a minute, unable to resist drinking in the sight of her features softened by sleep. She looks so much more vulnerable, so much younger somehow. 

“Kathryn.” I whisper softly after a moment as I lean over her. I gently reach for her shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “You should get to bed instead of sleeping on the couch.” 

She inhales deeply and blinks a couple of times, wincing when she moves her head. Her hand goes to her neck, massaging the muscles as she focuses first on her surroundings, then on me.   
“What time is it?” 

“Way past your bedtime.” I smile softly. I start reaching out to smoothen her tousled hair before I realize I shouldn’t. I pause my arm for a moment and then redirect it towards the portable unit that’s next to her on the couch. In her sleepy state I don’t think she noticed my almost faux pas. The screen of the monitor activates when I reach for it. 

“Is that the data from the probe?” I ask, a part of my brain genuinely wondering what she’s been working on.

“I’ve been going over and over the sensor readings, trying to find something we might have missed…” She utters. Her voice is still gravelly from sleep, but I can hear the wariness in her words, dreading yet another disappointment. We’ve had our hopes dashed quite a few times over the last couple of years.   
She closes the portable unit and stacks her PADDs.

“Hey…” I sit down on the coffee table and place my hand on her knee to still her movements. She stops, giving me an odd look and I suddenly feel the warmth of her thigh through the fabric of her pants. 

“We didn’t miss anything.” I speak softly, trying to sound reassuring while my heart suddenly beats in my throat. “Tomorrow we’ll be entering the flexure and we’ll get out in the Alpha Quadrant. And everything will be fine.” 

She looks at me for long moments, then places her hand on mine and squeezes it lightly.   
“I hope you’re right.” She whispers. 

Her skin on mine sends a surge of heat right through me. And I swallow hard, simply nodding once before get up, breaking the contact between us.  
“We should both get some sleep.” I grind out and I can tell she’s puzzled by my abruptness. “This is our last night in the Delta Quadrant after all.” I add in a lighter tone.

“Let’s hope so.” She throws me a wishful smile. “Goodnight B’Elanna.” 

“Goodnight.” I offer as I back towards the exit. 

It’s only when I’m brushing my teeth in my quarters that I realize I completely forgot to find anything to eat.


	6. Chapter 6

The nervousness on the Bridge is almost tangible. All through our journey we’ve never been as close to getting home as we are now. And it has made everyone running around in a sort of giddy excitement that reminds me a bit of the night before Christmas at my grandmother’s house when I was little. 

All essential systems have been rerouted to the Bridge so we can coordinate the passage through the flexure from here. From my Engineering station I look around, scanning the faces of my colleagues. Harry can barely resist grinning from ear to ear, Tom is swiveling in his chair, anxious to get on the road and Chakotay is asking for status updates every thirty seconds. Even the normally stoic Seven and Tuvok seem slightly on edge at their consoles. 

And in the midst of it all, there’s Kathryn Janeway sitting in her command chair, immobile. She’s staring intently at the view screen, which displays the quasar and the space around it, as if she will be able to get us safely through the flexure by sheer force of will alone. 

“The flexure will open in two minutes.” Harry announces. 

And so it begins. 

The Captain acknowledges Harry with a nod as she rises from her chair.   
“Alright. Red alert.” Her voice is strong, commanding, and it holds everyone’s attention. We are all ready to go home. “Mr. Paris, take us closer to the quasar.” She speaks and then turns to me. “Bring the shield modifications online.” 

“Aye Captain.” Tom nods as I tap my console. Then I look up at her. “Enhanced shields are online.” 

She holds my gaze for a moment and I nod in silent encouragement.   
I wonder if her eyes will also seek out mine when we reach the other side. 

“Distance?” She asks. 

“Two hundred thousand kilometers and closing.” Tom reports.

“The flexure should open in thirty seconds.” Harry adds before anyone asks. 

The seconds tick by more slowly than I ever remember them doing before as we seemingly creep closer to the quasar.   
I glance at my screen, satisfied with the readouts that are scrolling before my eyes.  
“Shields are holding.” I speak. 

Janeway taps her combadge. “All hands, we will be entering the flexure in approximately one minute. Let’s batten down the hatches and be ready for some chop.” 

“Flexure opening in five, four, three, two, one. Neutrino levels are rising.” Harry announces.

“Detecting subspace fluctuations.” Seven chimes in right on cue. 

“We’re holding at thirty thousand kilometers.” Tom reports right after that.

A flash of light appears on the view screen.   
“The event horizon has formed.” Seven states. 

The Captain takes a deep breath and sits back down, her hands gripping the armrests. “Take us in slowly.” 

Voyager trembles when we move again, the combined effects of the quasar’s graviton field and the flexure causing the ship to rock despite Tom’s best efforts to keep her steady.   
The shields are still holding and as long as that’s the case a little stormy weather won’t seriously affect the ship. 

With every passing second we’re getting closer to the event horizon and the rocking of the ship increases as the inertial dampeners can’t compensate completely anymore. 

“We’re at five thousand kilometers.” Tom reports, focusing on staying in his seat as he maneuvers the rocking ship. 

Janeway nods. “Steady as sh-”  
Blaring warning sounds interrupt her and she looks up. “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m detecting elevated levels of anti-neutrinos.” Seven clarifies.

“Anti-neutrinos?” I frown in surprise.

“Where are they coming from?” Janeway asks just as my own console beeps.

“Whatever their source, they’re causing an instability in the plasma manifolds of the warp core. We’re heading for a breach.” I speak urgently as my fingers fly over the screen. “I can’t compensate.” I add tersely as I look up at the Captain to convey the seriousness of the situation. 

As she nods, I’m reminded for a second of last night and I know she was prepared for something to go wrong.   
“Tom, reverse course. Take us to back a safer distance.” 

As we move the anti-neutrino levels drop almost immediately and I release a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding when the readings on my screen drop out of the red zone and the alarm stops blaring. 

“Hold position here.” Janeway orders and then turns around to the rest of the Bridge crew. “Any ideas where these anti-neutrinos come from?” She repeats her earlier question. “The probe didn’t detect them.”

Seven looks up from her console and tilts her head. “It’s possible that the close proximity to the quasar’s graviton field is disrupting the normal matter/antimatter reaction in the warp core. I believe the anti-neutrinos are being formed inside the warp core as a way to compensate for the abnormally high neutrino influx.”

I turn to my console and realize that Seven’s theory describes exactly what happened. The readings from the core prove it. 

“So the core is essentially bombarding itself with anti-neutrinos as we get too close?” Janeway asks.

“Correct.” Seven nods and I close my eyes briefly as the reality of our situation sinks in: there’s no way we can prevent the formation of anti-neutrinos in the warp core. 

“No antimatter-powered ship can get through this flexure.” I speak dejectedly and when I look up, my eyes meet the Captain’s. Her crestfallen look is like a fist punching me in the gut. 

“Can’t we jettison the core before we go in?” Harry asks combatively. 

“We wouldn’t have enough power to make it through.” I reply sullenly. 

He shakes his head, not willing to give up yet. “We could take the escape pods.” 

“You wouldn’t survive that kind of a bumpy ride in a pod.” Tom answers. 

“The probe got through.” Harry throws back at him. 

“Harry…” Tom shakes his head, trying to tell him that it’s no use: there’s no way for us to get through the flexure. 

“No!” The bang of Harry’s fist against his console resonates through the silenced Bridge but all I can see is the Captain, slowly sinking back down in her chair and closing her eyes in defeat. 

~

Tom finds me staring through the window at the stars in our quarters and puts his arms around me as he kisses my temple.  
“Are you alright?” 

I shrug as I turn to look at him. “After all this time, my home is here I guess.” Then I redirect my gaze back out the window. “Still, it would have been nice…” 

“Yeah…” Tom exhales. “I feel bad for Harry though. He wanted it so much.” He pauses for a moment. “We should take him to Sandrine’s. Shoot some pool, have a couple of beers, some laughs… It would be good for all of us.” 

I shake my head. I know Tom doesn’t do ‘sad’ and that he will try anything to avoid feeling that way, but I’m not in the mood for that tonight. Sometimes you lose and the best thing to do is to just live with that, licking your wounds, knowing that you will fight another day. 

“You go ahead.” I tell him. “Harry definitely needs someone to cheer him up. I’m just gonna turn in early.” 

“Are you sure?” Tom presses his lips against my hair, torn between his love for me and his desire to escape this disappointing reality with his friend. 

I smile. “Go.” 

“You’re the best.” He grins and plants a brief kiss on my lips before he leaves.

I chuckle as I watch him go and then turn back to the window.   
Home. Earth. It doesn’t really mean all that much to me and still I feel disappointed. I can only imagine how much worse the feeling must be for Harry, who wants it so desperately. Or for the Captain, who feels responsible for getting all of us stranded here in the first place. 

I recall the look on her face earlier on the Bridge. I know that a part of her was prepared for the worst. She all but admitted that in the Mess Hall last night. And still, still today’s events managed to break her a little, made her feel like she failed all of us again by not getting us home. 

If anyone needs cheering up, it’s her. 

I’m already halfway across my living room when I stop, suddenly wondering if she’d want me to show up on her doorstep. Like her, I’ve kept a respectful distance, keeping our conversations brief and professional, ignoring the bittersweet aftertaste of every encounter to the best of my ability.

But this situation is different. The look of defeat on her face earlier on the Bridge still haunts me. And maybe, given our feelings, she can feel safe enough with me to lean on me right now.

A couple of doors down the hall, I press her doorchime and wait for a long moment until the door finally opens. 

In the softly illuminated room, the Captain is sitting in her recliner, her legs curled up under a plaid. She’s holding an old fashioned book in her hands and there’s a long-stemmed, empty wineglass on the side table. 

“B’Elanna.” She puts the book in her lap when she sees me. “What can I do for you?” 

I take a step into the room, allowing the door to close behind me. “I wanted to see if you’re okay.” 

The expression on her face becomes a bit more guarded, as if she’s not comfortable with the question.  
“I’ll be alright.” She offers concisely.

I step a bit further into the room. I want to convince her that today’s failure is not on her. That we still believe in it. In her.   
“You’ll get us home, eventually.” I speak reassuringly. 

Her shoulders sag as if the weight on them is too much to carry. And then I realize my words only add to that, implying that the responsibility of getting home rests solely with her, just because she’s the Captain.

Janeway puts the book and the plaid aside and gets up, grabbing her empty glass. She passes me on her way to the replicator.   
It strikes me how small she looks, barefoot, out of uniform. It makes her seem vulnerable, less formidable than normal. It makes me feel like I should protect her.

I move to stand behind her and put my hand on her shoulder. “We’ll find a way, all of us, together.” 

She just shrugs and then proceeds to recycle her glass. 

I frown. “You don’t believe that anymore?” I ask when she turns around. I’ve never known her to give up. I didn’t think she was physically capable of doing so. 

Stepping in front of her, I grab both of her shoulders. “Hey…” I search her eyes intently. “You don’t think we’ll make it home one day?” 

She looks away, avoiding my gaze. I lift her chin and force her to look at me. I see in her eyes what she can’t admit out loud. That’s she’s given up. 

“I’m just tired, B’Elanna.” She whispers when I sigh dejectedly.

I can see that in her eyes as well. She’s been so strong for so long, being our leader, taking care of us. But who’s strong for her? Who takes care of her? 

I reach out and draw her closer, my arms encircling her firmly. I can be strong for her if she needs me to be.   
For a moment, she just lets it happen, passively, but then she mimics the gesture. Tentatively at first, but she gradually leans into the embrace until she’s clinging to me like she’s holding on to life itself. 

“It’s okay.” I whisper in her hair. “I’ll believe it for the both of us.” 

The words cause her to shudder in my arms. But she remains where she is. Safe in my embrace, held, loved.   
I can feel the warmth of her breath were her head is buried against the nape of my neck. I can even feel her heart beat in her chest. And I continue to just hold her. 

Time stretches out for what seems like a decade before she moves back and looks up at me. “Thank you.” She whispers as she holds my gaze. Her eyes are moist, but she isn’t crying. “I needed that.” 

I reach up, framing her face with my hands. My thumbs softly stroke her cheeks, conveying in touch what I don’t know how to put in words. That I’ll always be here for her. That I care so, so much. 

Silently, I lean forward and softly place a kiss on her forehead. And then another on her temple. It’s when I kiss her cheek that I realize where I’m headed, what I’m about to do. I hesitate briefly, well aware that I should stop, that we both agreed not to cross that line.

I close my eyes when I feel her fingers on my cheeks to halt my journey. Somehow I’m grateful that she is stronger than me, because I’m not sure I have the power to stop myself. I exhale in resignation, ready to mumble an apology, when I feel her warm lips brush against mine. My eyes fly open in surprise, the touch so fleeting I wonder for a second if it really happened at all. But then her lips are on mine again, more insistent this time, and I stop thinking about it altogether, momentarily lost in the sensations. 

She kisses me. And again. Softly, intently. And I let her, because god knows I don’t have the strength to stop her. Nor do I want her to. Her fingers reach around my neck, tugging me closer and a moan escapes me when she deepens the kiss. Yet I urge myself to hold back a little, to not be too forceful, mindful of what happened the last time we did this. 

She must have felt my hesitation because she pulls back, searching my eyes.   
“B’Elanna…” 

Will she come to her senses now? Will she drop her hands and step back, requesting me to leave again? I swallow, internally summoning the willpower to let her go, again. 

“Kiss me.” 

I blink. “What?” 

She softly strokes my cheek with her fingers, her eyes locking onto mine. Then she closes the distance again, until our lips are barely touching.   
“Please…” Her warm breath dances against my mouth. 

She wants this, needs this, and to me that trumps any of the reasons why we shouldn’t do this. So I kiss her, properly this time, without holding back, letting out all the pent up desire I’ve been feeling for her.   
And it’s obviously appreciated. She moans and tangles her fingers in my hair, kissing me back with a ferocity I never imagined she was capable of. 

Her hands roam over my body, pulling me closer against her. In an attempt to intensify the contact, I slide my thigh between hers. She hisses and I feel her hips jerk.  
The smoldering look in her eyes almost turns my knees to jelly. I want more of her, more of this. So I gently place my hands on her hips, urging her to move against my thigh.

Even with all our clothing in the way, I can feel the heat that emanates from her. She groans and tilts her head back. And I lean in to kiss her exposed throat which only urges her on. 

Her movements are so incessant that she causes me to lose my balance. I stumble backwards, hitting the coffee table hard with my calf. Swaying on my feet, I reach out for a nearby chair to steady myself, only to have it topple over. Kathryn grabs on to my jacket in an effort to keep me from going down, but instead her movements throw me off my trajectory and make me slam into the back of the recliner. It crashes against the table, knocking over the vase of flowers that’s on top of it. As colorful arrows, the flowers fly through the air and the vase tips over, shattering into a thousand pieces as it hits the table. 

Almost in an anti-climax, I hit the ground with a soft thud.

Wide-eyed, Kathryn eyes the sudden destruction around us, before she reaches out, helping me up.  
“Are you alright?”

I nod dazedly, looking around the room. “You know, it’s probably things like this that give Klingons that damned reputation of throwing furniture by way of foreplay.” 

She stares at me for a moment, then starts to laugh heartily. “Probably.”   
It strikes me how beautiful she is when her face is lit up by a genuine smile like this. 

“In any case,” she continues, nonchalantly glancing around the mess we made, “given the state of this room, I’d say foreplay was a success.” 

Her gaze locks on mine again, intense and burning but still with a hint of shyness lurking in the shadows. I feel a familiar stirring in my belly. My desire for her sets my blood aflame once more. 

Just as abruptly as we stopped, we start kissing again. Hungrily, eagerly. I feel her hands open my jacket and shrug it off my shoulders. Her fingers find their way underneath my shirt, warm against my skin. We part long enough for me to divest myself of the grey fabric. 

Her hands pause at my grey standard issue bra.   
“I’ve never been with a woman before.” Her voice is low, hesitant but at the same time laced with lust. 

“Just do what you would enjoy…” I whisper, gently nipping her earlobe. It satisfies me greatly to feel her shudder in pleasure. 

“Take it off.” Her voice is hoarse. 

Her eyes are glued to my every move as I comply. She reaches out to palm my breast and my nipple hardens at her touch. I gasp when she flicks her thumb over the other one and then lowers her head to swirl her tongue around it. 

I grab her head with my hands, guiding her up to capture her lips with mine. Then pull her shirt over her head between kisses. Her bra, Starfleet just like mine, is discarded soon after and as we pull closer still, I feel the swell of her breasts against mine, her nipples like rock hard pebbles against my skin. 

She moans against my lips, pulling me impossibly closer. Still mindful, somehow, of our less than elegant attempt at doing this standing up a couple of minutes ago, I maneuver her in the direction of the bedroom. 

“Bed.” I whisper in her ear and somehow we make it all the way there without disentangling or knocking over any more furniture. While I’m kicking off my shoes, she fumbles with the catch of my pants for a moment before she manages to slide them off my hips. I sense her uncertainty when she pushes my panties down. 

“It’s okay.” I breathe, catching her gaze. “Let me show you.” I gently take her hand and slowly guide her down, over my stomach, towards my center. She stares at my face, registering every expression as her hand moves slowly but surely towards it destination. We both gasp when she encounters my wetness. Her touch, tentative at first, becomes bolder as she explores my flesh until my knees buckle and I can’t help but sink down on the bed. 

Her abdomen is now at face height, and I grab her hips, placing a kiss just below her belly button as I open her pants, lowering them too, along with her underwear. She pushes me down on the mattress and crawls on top of me to kiss me. Our naked bodies mold together perfectly and a moan of pleasure escapes me when I feel her weight on me. She slides her thigh between my legs causing me to hiss at the contact. Her eagerness to give me pleasure somewhat surprises me, given her admitted inexperience with women. Had I been capable of conscious thought I’d have labeled her a quick study. 

I find her body exquisitely responsive to my touch, which delights me. The sounds she makes are low and guttural, turning me on so much I feel like I might disintegrate from that alone. I never expected her to be capable of such passion, of giving and receiving pleasure without reservation. Her touch is confident like she’s certain she’s good at this yet also endearingly hesitant at times, illustrating that touching a woman is new to her.

Fingers explore and stroke bodies, tongues duel for dominance and moans of pleasure reverberate off the walls. Many enjoyable moments later we both lay spent, limbs and sheets tangled in an ungodly mess, breathing hard like we just ran a marathon. 

Her face has an angelic glow I can’t seem to take my eyes off. Her lips are slightly swollen, her cheeks rosy, her hair is unkempt. But it’s the light that shines in her eyes as she looks back at me that makes my heart flutter in my chest. She’s never looked at me this way. From afar this moment resembles the one I spent with Tom in her body. But it couldn’t be more different. For this is really her.  
Inadvertently, my thoughts return to Tom and I quickly glance at the chronometer. 

Kathryn reaches out and caresses my arm lightly. “You have to go?”   
She asks it without judgment or resentment. 

“Yeah, I should.” I say, studying her eyes, expecting my words to bring an end to the warmth in them. 

She nods once in understanding. And the warmth stays, much to my surprise.   
“Where does Tom think you are?” She asks conversationally, as if we’re not both lying naked in her bed with the smell of sex heavily in the air, discussing my husband and his thoughts on my whereabouts. 

“In our quarters, sleeping.” I reply, sitting up to grab my underwear and my pants. “He’s out with Harry, to cheer him up from today’s events.”

Kathryn props her head up on her elbow. “Like the way you just cheered me up?” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. The grin in her voice is evident. 

I chuckle as I stand to pull up my pants. “I very much doubt it.” 

She winks and I sink back down on the bed. I lean towards her, still naked from the waist up, letting my eyes briefly roam over her body before capturing her gaze. I could drown in those eyes.

“I really want to do this again…” I whisper.   
I know I shouldn’t say that. No good can come of it. What if she doesn’t want to do this again? And what if she does? But the words are out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

“I…” She starts. All kinds of emotions play on her face and I regret saying anything already. She bites her bottom lip. “I would like that too.” Her words are soft and I’m not sure I heard them right until she reaches up to cup my face and lightly brushes her lips over mine. My heart makes a little leap in my chest. 

I moan as she deepens the kiss and crawling closer to her. But she puts her hands on my shoulders to hold me back.   
“If we keep this up you’ll never get home before Tom’s back.” She breathes heavily.

I draw back. “You’re right.” 

She cups my face and gives me a sultry smile. “We’re definitely doing this again.” She pecks my lips. “But now you really have got to put on your shirt and get out of here…”

In the living room I find my shirt and jacket. I pull the recliner back to its original position and pick up the upturned chair. 

“Leave it, I’ll do it.” Kathryn’s voice sounds from behind me when I start picking up the pieces of the vase we knocked over.   
“Don’t make me kick you out.” 

I chuckle and turn around, disappointed to see she’s wearing her robe.   
“I’d like to see you try…” I drawl. 

She mockingly rolls her eyes and pushes me in the direction of the door, pausing before she opens it.   
“Goodnight B’Elanna.” 

I cup her face and hold her gaze for a moment.   
“Goodnight Kathryn.” 

Back in my quarters I take a quick sonic shower before I crawl in bed.   
The sheets are cool against my still warm skin when I lay down. I exhale deeply, trying to fathom what just happened… 

I slept with Kathryn Janeway. And it was so much better than I ever could have imagined. If I close my eyes I can still recall exactly how her lips felt on mine. 

I’m thinking about her soft skin when I hear the door open and close.   
Tom’s home. 

My husband, whom I’ve just cheated on, is home.   
Suddenly my chest feels heavy. Is this guilt? He doesn’t deserve this. He’s a good guy. My friend. My mate. 

I hear the buzz of the sonic shower for a couple of minutes and then Tom makes his way to bed, trying to quietly slip under the covers.   
I lay still, not sure of what to do or say until he moves closer to me, wrapping his arm possessively around my body. I’ve always loved it when he does that. It makes me feel like everything is alright in the world, like I have a place here, in his arms. 

And even now I find myself snuggling closer to him, deeper into his embrace, pretending that everything is alright in the world, like it used to be. But my chest still feels heavy. 

“Sshh.” Tom whispers in my hair when I move. “Sleep.”

I settle into his arms, placing my hand over his and lightly squeezing it.   
“How’s Harry?” I mumble. 

“Drunk.” Tom grins. 

I chuckle sleepily. “Mission success.” 

“Exactly.” 

The normalcy of the conversation is soothing, and Tom’s steady breathing next to me causes the tension in my muscles to slowly disappear.   
In the darkness of our bedroom, I think of Kathryn. And I feel a twinge of guilt towards her as well, for seeking comfort in Tom’s arms this way. 

The guilt feels different than I imagined it would have. I know what I did was wrong, but I don’t feel sorry. My feelings are simple and pure. It’s the reality of acting upon those feelings that makes everything murky and complex. It may sound strange, but right now I’m actually content to be in Tom’s arms while thinking about Kathryn. This is not about choosing between them. And it’s not about having my cake and eating it too. All I know for sure is how I feel about him and how I feel about her. I can’t compare. I can’t choose. I can only feel.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, I’m occupied in Engineering inspecting what kind of havoc the anti-neutrino exposure played on the warp core and its subsystems. Due to overloads of the manifolds, the core is currently working only on half capacity and together with my team I’m working hard to repair everything. Luckily, at first glance, there seems to be no permanent damage. 

“What if we could redirect this end of the flexure to another location away from the quasar? Then we wouldn’t have to worry about anti-neutrinos in the first place.” 

I close my eyes and push my clenched fist into my thigh before I act on the urge to hit Harry. I know he means well. I do. But for the last couple of hours he’s been constantly bugging me with harebrained ideas on how to get through the wormhole. 

“Sure.” I jeer. “All we have to do is manipulate the subspace geometry just a little bit, so the flexure opens right where we want it.” I shrug, rolling my eyes. “Piece of cake. I can have all that done by lunchtime.” 

Harry just scowls at me.

With a grunt I hand him a hyperspanner. “Why don’t you focus on connecting this manifold to the power grid, otherwise we won’t get anywhere, much less home.”

“Need a hand?” 

The familiar voice brings up mental images, and my mind drifts towards handiwork that has very little to do with Voyager’s systems and everything with last night. 

“Actually, Captain, would you mind holding this conduit in place so I can secure it?” Harry replies, not discouraged in the least by my irritation. 

Janeway proceeds to give him a hand, and over Harry’s shoulder, she smiles at me. Her eyes flash with something intense, brief but unmistakable, and it melts my insides. I can feel the heat in my cheeks rising and quickly look away before anyone can notice it. 

“Thanks Captain.” Harry drops the hyperspanner back in the toolbox and reaches for the alignment calibrator instead. 

“No problem.” Janeway nods and then turns to me fully. I notice she’s rubbing the thumb of her left hand with her right. “Anything else I can help with here?” 

I look at the movement of her hands and my eyes fall on the skin of her thumb, which looks quite pink and new. Did she get dermal regeneration? I’m pretty sure that patch of pink skin wasn’t there yesterday. Did she get hurt somehow?

“That thumb will probably heal better if you give it some rest.” I remark nonchalantly, trying very hard to make my words sound casual, and not overly concerned. 

She picks up on my unspoken question. “It’s just a cut. I was cleaning up the shards of a broken vase.” She shrugs. “It’s nothing.” 

I briefly close my eyes, thinking that I should’ve cleaned up that broken vase myself instead of letting her do it. “Okay.” I speak, but my voice sounds strained to my own ears. “I’m pretty sure Harry can handle this by himself from here though.” 

She nods once. “How about a status update then?” She captures my gaze. “I’d like to know how we’re doing.” 

I swallow, briefly wondering if she’s talking about the ship or us. “Sure.” I croak. “My office?” 

Does she really wink at me before turning around and leading the way to my office? I glance at Harry to see if he noticed anything before I follow her. 

“Sure, I can handle this all by myself, no problem.” He mock glares at me. And I’m pretty sure he didn’t catch a thing. I grin at him and shrug, holding up my hands as if to say ‘I would stay and help you, but she’s the boss and I’ve got no choice’. 

I ignore him making a face at me and follow the Captain to my office, trying very much not to stare at her buttocks. 

Inside, she moves to my console and I go stand beside her. The door stays open, because it always does and it would be suspicious if I closed it. Nevertheless, being in my office gives us some kind of privacy. Not a lot, but enough. 

We stand shoulder to shoulder as I bring up a schematic of the warp core and its subsystems. She inches even closer to me.   
Kathryn Janeway is always standing close or touching when she’s talking to someone, but this feels like a whole different kind of close to me. I can feel the heat of her skin through the fabric of my uniform jacket. 

“This is where we sustained the most damage.” I start, indicating the regions of the schematic color coded in red. 

“Mmhmm.” She acknowledges. But when I glance up at her, I realize she’s looking at me instead of the screen. My heart misses a beat and I look back down, suddenly bashful. She’s here for me, not for the warp core. That thought is electrifyingly frightening and exciting at the same time. 

“I trust repairs are going well?” She asks. 

The question itself is perfectly normal and professional. Her tone of voice however, low and sultry, is anything but. It sends shivers down my spine. My hand brushes over hers, lightly, seemingly by accident for the possible onlooker.   
“You hurt your thumb.” The worry in my voice is clear. 

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” She repeats her previous words. “I just wasn’t paying attention when I picked up those shards.” She brushes my hand in turn. “I had other things on my mind.” She whispers huskily.

I risk another glance in her direction, noticing how she bites her lip. It makes me want to spin her around, push her against the console and kiss her right here. My heart is pounding wildly in my throat, making it impossible to form words. But she captures my gaze and no words are needed to convey that the attraction is real, that last night was no mistake.

“When can I see you again?” The way she almost blurts it out, is so out of character that it makes me smile. She really wants me. The thought makes my knees go weak.

I’ve asked myself the same question already. “Tomorrow is the guys’ poker night.” I smile and I see her eyes light up. We both know I’m not allowed anywhere near Tom during poker night, because allegedly I’m ‘bad luck’. 

“Wanna try your luck at my place instead?” She grins mischievously.

I smirk. “You bet.” 

There’s a knock on the doorjamb behind us. “Sorry to interrupt, but I could use your help with the plasma flow calibration, B’Elanna.” Harry speaks. 

“Right.” The Captain nods next to me. It amazes me how quickly she can change back into her role, just like that. She turns to me, polite and all business. “Thank you for the update, Lieutenant.” 

I watch her march out of Engineering without looking back as we move to the newly fixed conduits. Harry pushes a tricorder in my hands to monitor the phase variance.   
“You know,” he mutters pensively, “we should start thinking about designing a new propulsion system that can get us through the wormhole without being affected by the anti-neutrinos.” 

I briefly close my eyes, wondering how many more unrealistic ideas he can come up with. Out loud I just sigh, not bothering to dignify him with a real answer. It’s going to be a long day…

~

By the time I reach my quarters in the evening, I’m dead tired. I feebly greet my husband and let myself fall down on the couch to take off my boots. 

“Rough day?” Tom asks sympathetically as he places three plates on the table. 

“As a matter of fact, yes.” I roll my eyes in annoyance. “Harry just wouldn’t-” I stop abruptly as I notice the number of plates he’s placing on the table. Three instead of two. 

“Don’t tell me you invited Harry for dinner.” I groan. As much as I like him, if I have to listen to one more impossible miraculous solution for getting through the wormhole, I swear I might kill him. 

Tom chuckles. “I didn’t invite Harry.” 

I frown, gesturing at the table. “Then who-”

“I invited the Captain”. 

I veer off the couch. “You did what?” My mind goes at a thousand kilometers per hour. How did he find out? “Why would-”

“Because I want to clear the air between us once and for all about the body switch thing.” He interrupts me. 

I frown. What on Earth is he talking about?

The confusion on my face makes him elaborate. “We were in a turbolift together today and she could barely stand to look at me.” He begins and it starts to dawn on me that he probably hasn’t figured out that I slept with her at all. 

“And I think it’s because she still hasn’t forgiven us for what happened that night of the body switch. So I asked her to have dinner with us.” Tom concludes. “So we can clear the air once and for all.” 

I blink, trying to get it all straight. “Right…” I utter, relieved that that’s all there is to this dinner. But I’m still confused. It’s not hard to imagine why Kathryn might have been feeling a bit uncomfortable facing Tom, but I’m still not entirely clear on how this dinner came to happen.   
I raise my eyebrows. “And she agreed to this?” 

Tom grins. “I can be very persuasive.” Then he shrugs. “I guess she also realizes that we’re all going to be on this ship together for a very long time.” He stops and cocks his head. “Unless Harry finds a way to get through that wormhole after all.” He adds teasingly.

I glare at him for that comment, but then focus on the upcoming potential disaster. “Just what are you planning on saying to her?” I ask, wondering if he’s actually thought this through. And if he has, what my role in that conversation should be.

“Relax.” Tom puts his arms around me and kisses the top of my head to assuage my nerves. “We’ll figure it out as we go along, just let me do the talking.” 

I close my eyes and sigh. Great. He’ll just be winging it, which means I’ll have to keep my wits about me or this could very easily explode in my face. And Kathryn’s too.

“It’ll be fine.” Tom lightly squeezes me in his embrace and before I can say anything in response, the door chime sounds.   
I take a deep breath, steadying myself for what is undoubtedly going to be an uncomfortable evening.

“Come in.” Tom calls out, leaving his right arm casually draped across my shoulder as the door opens. 

“Good evening Tom, B’Elanna.” 

The Captain –I mentally will myself to see her as Captain and not as Kathryn– greets us both politely as she enters. She looks a little bit uncomfortable but I’m quite sure Tom expects her to be given the circumstances, so that’s alright. My own unease increases now that she’s here too and I do my best to school my expression into something not akin to a deer caught in headlights. Tom’s arm feels like it’s made of lead and for once does nothing to calm me down. 

Janeway civilly offers Tom the bottle of wine she’s holding. “Thank you for the invitation.” She murmurs. 

“Thank you, Captain.” Tom inspects the wine. “That will go great with the pot roast I planned to replicate.” He grins. “I’ll get us some glasses.” 

Behind his back, Kathryn turns to me and makes a face. “There was no way I could decline this invitation.” She whispers apologetically when he’s far enough not to overhear. There is no time for her to say more before Tom comes back with three glasses. 

“Have a seat Captain.” He offers her a chair after pouring the wine. “And thank you for coming.” 

Janeway gracefully accepts the glass of wine and sits down. “Well, you didn’t exactly give me another option, Mister Paris.” She tilts her head.

At the replicator, Tom turns and grins ruefully. “Yeah, sorry about that.” 

Janeway raises one eyebrow. “It seems to me you’re sorry about a lot of things these days.” The words are not hostile, but rather taunting, as if she wants to provoke him. “If you’d stop and think about the consequences before you act on every whim once in a while, I’m sure you’d have a lot less apologizing to do.” 

Tom places the replicated pot roast on the table and takes his seat. “But then you’d have to miss out on this wonderful pot roast.” 

“Or I might be here voluntarily instead of being blackmailed into it.” Janeway retorts.

I watch the conversation between them, observing their mannerisms as they argue and it dawns on me that they both care a lot about each other. Despite what happened during the body switch, Janeway’s obviously still proud of how Tom turned his life around since he came aboard Voyager. And I know for a fact that Tom has tremendous respect for Janeway and that he values her opinion.   
I can’t help but wonder if he’d still put her on that pedestal if he knew we slept together. 

And what would he think of me? What would the knowledge that the two most important women in his life betrayed him do to him? Would he take it in stride, or would it destroy him altogether? I shudder involuntarily at that thought, not comfortable with the idea that I could be the cause of the downfall of the man I love. 

A warm hand squeezes mine. “We want you to know that we really truly understand that what we did was not acceptable in any way. We both should have known better.” 

The heartfelt tone in Tom’s words strikes a chord in my chest. I wonder if at some point in the future, we will have a kind of perverse parallel conversation where it will be me apologizing to him, asking his forgiveness for sleeping with her.   
I wonder if Kathryn is thinking something along the same lines. Surely the irony of the situation hasn’t escaped her either. 

Janeway holds Tom’s gaze for a moment, before turning to look at me expectantly. Beside me, I notice Tom nodding encouragingly in my direction and then I realize that it’s my turn to apologize in this little charade. 

I scrape my throat. “Right.” I mutter and under the table, Tom gently squeezes my thigh to encourage me to go on. I take a breath, reminding myself that this whole thing is about me and Tom apologizing for what started all this in the first place: taking advantage of her body. 

Tom’s hand seems to burn through the fabric of my pants when I look Janeway in the eye. “I’m sorry for what we did.” I start, trying to ‘feel’ the words. “There’s no excuse and it never should have happened. I can only hope that you’ll give us the chance to regain your trust.”   
I keep eye contact with her as long as I think is appropriate in this situation.

Under the table, Tom lightly pats my thigh and then removes his hand. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” His love for me is so blatantly obvious in his smile and accompanying wink that it floods me for a moment, putting me with both feet on the ground again. No matter what’s going on between the Captain and me, it doesn’t negate my love for him. So I take his hand in mine, in plain sight of Janeway, and squeeze it, giving him a brief smile before we both turn back to the Captain. 

She looks down at her hands, as though in deep deliberation. I wonder what she’s really thinking. Does she realize that my feelings for him somehow coexist with my feelings for her? Or does she think it’s all a pretense, me playing along in this little show we’re putting on. It strikes me that although we’ve slept together, we haven’t spoken about our feelings since that initial admission –and subsequent dismissal– of our mutual attraction in her Ready Room. Neither of us has mentioned anything about the future, or about the nature of our… affair? Fling? Relationship? I honestly have no idea what I should call it. It’s just there. An attraction that we can’t deny, that we can’t seem to fight or resist. But what happens after now?

“I’ve been giving this a lot of thought…” Janeway starts to speak after a moment. “While I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m okay with what happened, it’s clear that we’ll all be living together on this ship for a long time. So in the interest of the smooth functioning of this ship, I will forgive you your transgression.” 

Next to me, Tom smiles and raises his glass. “Thank you Captain. Let’s drink to that. We can all get past this and pretend that night never happened.” 

As the three of us clink our glasses together, I inwardly hold my breath, wondering if we’re ever going to wish that it really never happened.


	8. Chapter 8

“Wish me luck.”   
Tom leans down for a quick kiss before heading for the door.

“Don’t go betting your last ration. You still owe me eight from last month!” I yell after him as he exits. But I know he hasn’t heard me. 

The door closes and I’m surrounded by silence in which I can only hear the thundering sound of my own heart, rapidly beating in anticipation of seeing Kathryn again. I decide to wait at least five more minutes so all the men are at the poker game and there’s less chance of me running into someone on my way to her quarters. 

Five minutes can last a lifetime when you’re waiting.   
Unable to just wait on the couch, I go into the bedroom to check my appearance in the full-length mirror. My stomach feels like it’s housing at least a dozen butterflies, and I tell myself there’s no reason to feel nervous, but in truth there is. 

The first time, things just happened, without any kind of plan or much conscious thought. But this time, there’s anticipation for what is to come. There are questions and hopes. What if now it’s nowhere near as good as the first time? And what if it is? Where do we go from here? What if we both want different things? 

I’m still standing in front of the mirror, staring at my own reflection as if it will bring all the answers, when I hear the door of our quarters open. Running footsteps make their way to the bedroom and Tom rushes in. 

For a moment I think he’s come back to stop me, to talk me out of going to see her, to keep me by his side. But in reality he barely notices me as he struggles to take off his pants and underwear. He wildly rummages through the commode and finally pulls out the pair of underwear I’ve come to know as his ‘lucky drawers’ with a triumphant smile. 

“I forgot to put on these.” He grins, happily correcting his earlier mistake. 

I nod slowly. “Right.” Somehow I feel like I got caught, although I’m fairly sure he hasn’t noticed my nervousness. “Go win us some rations.” 

“Us?” He grins, already backing out of the bedroom. “If you’re not with me for the losses, you’re not with me for the gains.” 

I roll my eyes as it seems he heard me the first time after all. “You still owe me eight rations!” I yell after him. 

I hear his muffled laughter through the closed door and I exhale, turning back to the mirror, willing time to speed up.

~

Exactly five minutes later I’m at the Captain’s doorstep, pressing the doorchime. It only takes a few seconds for the door to open. My stomach clenches in anticipation as I step forward, into the dimly lit room. 

Kathryn is standing at the window, half turned around towards me. Her mouth curves slightly upwards as she sees me.   
“I wasn’t sure you’d come.” She speaks softly as she approaches me. 

“Sorry I’m late.” I smile. “Tom came back just when I was about to leave because he forgot to put on his ‘lucky drawers’.”  
I roll my eyes for effect, but the smile I expect from her doesn’t come. 

She stops in front of me, keeping a respectable distance between us. And I can feel there’s now a barrier between her and me that wasn’t there before. I tilt my head, worried about what might have caused this partition. 

“After that dinner last night, I didn’t know if you still wanted… this…” She says before I can ask. 

I think back to the spoken and unspoken words of the previous night, the awkwardness I know we both felt, the duality of the apologies, the sense of betrayal heavily in the air.   
I recall my own confusion about my relationship with Tom and my attraction to her and wondering how it all fits together. It makes sense that she’s puzzled too.

She’s holding her breath while she studies my face intently. Both hope and resignation are clearly visible in her eyes as she waits for me to respond. Whatever I say, I know she’ll take it in stride, with the grace and dignity I’ve always admired in her. 

“I have no idea what ‘this’ is.” I start, grabbing her hand to reassure her. “But I do know that I really want it.”

Her eyes flutter and she smiles as she exhales in relief. And just like that, the barrier between us is gone again. Her hands come up to cup my face and she leans into me, our foreheads touching.

“Me too.” She whispers. 

I kiss her softly and draw her closer, enveloping her in a hug. “That being said, I think maybe we do need to talk about what ‘this’ is.” I add in a more serious tone.

She leans back earnestly. “You’re right.”   
Taking my hand she leads me to the couch. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Whatever you’re having.” I nod, settling on the couch as Kathryn walks to the replicator. She returns with two glasses of white wine and sits down next to me, our legs touching.

“We haven’t really talked about any of this since that morning in your Ready Room.” I venture, not really sure what I want from this conversation. Deep down, I don’t want to have it. I don’t want to dissect this. I just want to ride this wave forever. 

“Nothing has really changed.” Kathryn replies softly, taking a sip of wine. “You’re still married. I’m still the Captain.” 

I tilt my head, remembering that conversation. “Something has changed.” I put my hand on her thigh. “Somehow, what seemed impossible then has become possible now.” I catch her gaze. “Now there is this.” I squeeze her thigh.

“Whatever ‘this’ is.” She murmurs with a soft smile. 

I catch her gaze. “Exactly.” 

She puts her hand on top of mine and laces her fingers in between mine. The look in her eyes grows serious again.   
“I never thought I’d be the kind of person to come between a married couple. Or sleep with a subordinate. But here I am doing both.” 

With a small sigh, I nod slowly. “I never thought I’d cheat on my husband.”

There’s a contemplative silence for a moment as we both think about the reality of the situation. I fiddle with my wine glass. No matter how perfect it all feels in our own little bubble, there’s a lot at stake for both of us.

Kathryn squeezes my hand and slowly turns to me again. “We could still stop this now and call everything that’s happened before an error of judgment.” She offers quietly. I can see that she’s prepared to make that sacrifice if that’s what I want.

I know it would be the most honorable thing to do. Best for Tom, for the ship, and maybe even for her. But I want this, I want this so badly it hurts. 

“I don’t think I can stop, even if I wanted to.” I whisper, searching her eyes to see if she feels the same. 

In response she leans forward and kisses me. Softly at first, but it rapidly deepens. In my effort to get closer to her, I manage to spill most of my wine over her uniform shirt. 

When I mutter an apology she chuckles and plucks the glass from my hand, placing it on the side table together with hers. 

“If you want me to take my shirt off, all you have to do is ask.” She grins and promptly proceeds to do just that. The standard Starfleet underwear she wore last time is now replace with black lace. 

“Are you wearing this for me?” I ask huskily as she straddles my lap. 

She bites her lip as she nods. “I haven’t worn lingerie for anyone for a long time…” I can see she feels self-conscious. “Do you like it?” 

I palm the delicate fabric and run my thumb over it, feeling her nipple underneath harden. “Yes.” I breathe before I kiss her. 

She leans heavily into me, trying to increase the contact, while I feel her fiddle to open my uniform jacket. I shrug out of it, and she leans back long enough to allow me to take off my shirt as well. In another swift move my uniform bra is gone as well. 

Dragging her teeth over her lower lip, she cups one of my breasts, tracing the dark areola with her finger. Then she slowly rolls my hardened nipple between her thumb and index finger. My resulting moan ends in a punctuated gasp when she pinches my nipple briefly and I feel a flash of heat surge south. 

We kiss again, hungrily, and I revel in her responsiveness. She grinds her hips against me, quite ineffectively given our positions. So I run my hands up her thighs, kneading them as I edge closer to her center. She grunts when I tease her through her pants with my thumbs. 

“Does that bra come with matching panties?” I whisper hotly in her ear. 

She throws me a sultry grin as she climbs off my lap. Her hands deftly work the clasp and she slides down her uniform pants, indeed revealing matching underwear. 

Hungrily I reach out for her to get her back on my lap, but instead she kneels and starts taking off my boots and socks. For some reason that turns me on even more. With a seductive grin she moves to unfasten my pants and I lift my hips from the couch to help her slide off all my remaining clothes. 

She keeps her eyes trained on me as she softly runs her hand over my bare thighs, gently pushing them apart and pulling me closer. My mouth goes dry in anticipation when I see her lick her lips. Slowly, she lowers her head, closing in on her goal. Her warm tongue tentatively explores my flesh, causing me to moan deeply. That encourages her to continue her exploration with extra vigor. 

My hips jerk involuntarily so she grabs my thighs to hold me in place as her tongue moves against me, in me even, rapidly bringing me to searing heights. The sight of her head between my legs, eyes closed, brow slightly furrowed in concentration is too much for me to bear and I come uncharacteristically quick and hard, gripping the seat of the couch so firmly I’m surprised I don’t tear the fabric altogether. 

“Was that…?” She seems as surprised as I am from the swiftness and intensity of my orgasm. 

I nod, panting hard, unable to calm my breathing enough to speak. Instead I reach out for her, urging her to straddle me again. Even though I’m quite satiated, it drives me wild to taste myself on her lips when she kisses me. In much the same way, the unabashed grinding of her hips sets my blood on fire. 

The lacy underwear she’s still wearing is soaked. I don’t have the patience to take it off properly, so I just rip it out of the way. Judging from the approving groan that escapes her, she doesn’t mind one bit. Apparently I’m not moving fast enough, because she grabs my hand and presses it against her center, throwing her head back as I make contact. I lock on to her eyes as two of my fingers easily enter her and I feel her pushing herself against my hand with a long moan. 

She starts riding my fingers, her body undulating on my lap, head now thrown backward, lost in the sensations of her own pleasure. The shape of her nipples is clearly outlined through the thin fabric of her bra, and I lift my hand to tease one. She hisses and to my delight I feel her muscles clench around my fingers inside her. I repeat the movement for a couple of times, each time getting the same effect until she can’t control herself anymore. Her rhythm changes, becomes more frantic and as I try to match her abandoned movements, her moans turn into gasps. Her eyes, almost black with her pupils so dilated, lock onto mine. I lightly pinch her nipple and she jerks against me, her final moan loudly reverberating against the walls before she slumps against me. 

Carefully I free my hand, making her jerk as I brush her now too sensitive flesh, and wrap my arms around her, holding her gently as she comes down from her high.   
I shift our bodies so we can lie down on the couch together, legs entwined, noses almost touching. 

Gradually I feel Kathryn’s breathing slowing down and she throws me a lazy post-orgasmic grin.   
“Whatever this is,” she mutters, referring to our conversation before, “I definitely want more of it. Because that was amazing.” She turns serious. “Is it always that good with a woman?” 

“Depends on the woman.” I shrug, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Then I grin. “Are you sure you’ve never been with a woman before?” 

She chuckles in response and lifts two fingers. “I swear I haven’t. Never even thought about it until now.” 

“You never even fantasized about a woman?” I question, because drawing from my own experience I find that hard to believe. “Really?” 

I discern a flicker of something akin to shame cross her face and I narrow my eyes. There’s obviously a story there. I raise one eyebrow and nudge her hip. “Come on, fess up.”

She looks at me quietly for a moment. “Actually, I did fantasize about you before in a way.” 

“Before this?” That’s new information to me. I frown. “When?” 

There’s embarrassment in her voice when she speaks. “When I woke up in Tom’s body, he… I… had an erection.” She looks bashful. “I thought it would go away if I waited long enough, but… it didn’t, so I took care of it…” She bites her lower lip. “It was a strange sensation, different and yet similar. I wondered what it would feel like as a man, to enter a woman. I wondered how it felt for him to enter you, how it would feel for me to…” 

Even though that was not quite the story I expected, I feel the heat rising in me. Without breaking eye contact, I silently grab her hand and slightly shift my body, bringing both our hands between my legs. I guide two of her fingers slowly slide inside me and I let out a blissful sigh. She studies my face, enraptured, moving her fingers slowly and delicately. 

I move my hand towards her and she gasps when I mirror her movements. I can feel she’s still sensitive from her orgasm. We sinuously move together, gazes locked on each other, unhurriedly, and it’s more intimate than any touch before. It doesn’t take long before my body is humming with pleasure again and from Kathryn’s more labored breathing I can feel we’re both heading for a second climax. It doesn’t feel like an explosion this time, because my body already spent most of that energy before. This time it’s more drawn out and sensual and looking in her eyes, seeing her teeter along the edge together with me is by far the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced. 

We’re both panting and sweating afterwards, and try as I might I can’t get rid of the idiotic grin on my face. 

“You look like the cat that ate the canary.” Kathryn remarks dryly. 

I snort. “Technically though, I’m the canary. I got eaten.” 

She chuckles throatily and makes a clawing gesture with her hand. “Fine, I can be the cat.” 

“You can be my Kath.” I reply huskily. 

She kisses me softly on the lips. “I am.”

We lie silently for a while, enjoying the aftermath in each other’s arms, ignoring the fact it will have to end. 

Eventually she sighs. “I guess you’ll have to go soon.” 

I glance at the chronometer and make a face. “Yeah, I should.” 

Almost mechanically we both sit up and start picking up our clothes from the floor.   
“Too bad these are ruined.” I smirk when I come across her torn panties. 

She grins while she hands me my socks. “I can replicate more.” 

“Next time I’m not paying attention during a briefing you’ll know it’s because I’m imagining what you’re wearing underneath that uniform.” I wink. 

She rolls her eyes. “Right. Now, get out of here so I can take a shower.” 

“I know a couple of fun things we could do in a shower…” I purr, nuzzling her neck. 

Biting her bottom lip, she gets up, pulling me with her. “Maybe next time, alright?” 

I look her in the eye. “Next time.” I smile, looking her in the eye.

“Goodnight B’Elanna.” She whispers.

“Goodnight Kathryn.” I reply huskily. 

~

I check the time when I walk back to my quarters. Poker night should still be in full swing, giving me time to take a shower and be in bed by the time Tom gets home. 

Inside my quarters, I immediately kick off my shoes. I’m halfway out of my jacket when I hear rustling in the bedroom. 

“Tom?” I call out. 

“In here.” He calls back and I swallow. 

Shit. How long has he been here? Does he know where I went? 

“You’re back early.” I state lightly. In the mean time I head straight for the bathroom, hoping I can jump in the shower before he sees me. I’m pretty sure I reek of sex. 

“Nobody was really in the mood for playing poker.” I hear him say as I throw my clothes in the bathroom recycler. “I guess people are still upset about not getting through the wormhole.” 

His voice is getting closer so I quickly turn on the shower and get in. Five seconds later he enters the bathroom and grabs his sonic toothbrush.

“What did you get up to evening?” 

I decide to go with a half-truth, knowing he could very well retrace my steps if he wanted to.   
“I was at the Captain’s.” I state nonchalantly. “She had some issues with her replicator and asked me to take a look at it.” 

Tom turns to face me and I hope that my blushing can be attributed to the sonic shower. 

“That’s good news.” He replies.

I frown. “Good news?” 

He nods. “Well, it must mean she really has forgiven us for the body switch thing.” 

I shrug. I’m on a roll now. “Or maybe I was just the only Engineer available since the rest of you were all off playing poker.” I turn off the sonic shower and recycle some pajamas. 

Tom grins. “Touché.” Then he turns to me. “Was she nice to you?” 

“She was okay.” I shrug, hoping he can’t hear the thundering of my heart. She was more than nice to me.

“Good.” He follows me to the bedroom. 

“So I take it you didn’t win much today.” I change the subject, hoping he’ll forget all about the Captain. 

We crawl under the sheets and he puts his hand on my hip. “It was sad in there.” He sighs and kisses my shoulder and lets his hand slide over my thigh. I know what he’s aiming for. But I can’t. Not tonight.

“Nah-ah.” I mutter and remove his hand. “Not until you win me back those eight rations.” 

“Oh come on.” He pouts, but I know he’ll leave me alone. Even Tom knows better than to go against a half-Klingon who says no. 

I give him a quick kiss on the lips, to ease the rejection.   
“Goodnight Tom.”


	9. Chapter 9

I’m late for the weekly staff meeting, so I hurry through the corridors, quickly browsing the PADD Nicoletti gave me earlier for the latest status update on repairs.  
The Captain doesn’t appreciate tardiness and I don’t want her to think I’m slacking off. Secretly though I wonder if she would be capable of giving me her disapproving glare for being late, now that we’re sleeping together. But on the other hand, I’m not about to jeopardize what we have by defying her in public. 

I enter the briefing room just in time, earning a quick look from the Captain before she asks Tuvok for his status update.   
I tune out his reply, opting instead to wonder if she’s wearing lacy underwear underneath her uniform. I like the idea of this being our little secret.

My musings, and the meeting, are cut short by a call from the Bridge.

“Rollins to Janeway. Captain, we’re receiving an automated distress call.” 

Without a word, we all stand up as one, following Janeway to the Bridge. 

“Origin?” She barks as we all take our stations. 

“Five hundred thousand kilometers from the port bow.” Tom replies. 

“I’m reading a small shuttlecraft.” Harry adds. “Two lifesigns, but they’re weak.” 

“Set a course.” The Captain orders as she sinks down in her seat. 

She’s focused, we all are. But somehow I find the time to notice how beautiful she looks, with her jaw set in determination, eyes narrowing as she mentally goes over scenarios. 

“We’re in visual range.” Tom comments.

The Captain nods. “On screen.” 

A small vessel appears on the viewscreen. It looks sleek and maneuverable, nothing like the bulky Starfleet shuttles. 

“Its engines are powered down.” I note. 

Janeway turns to Harry. “Open a channel.” At his nod, she continues. “This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Can we be of assistance?” 

She looks around the Bridge questioningly when there’s no response. 

“The lifesigns are very weak Captain.” Harry explains. “I’m not even sure they’re conscious.” 

She thinks for a fraction of a second, and I can’t help but be in awe of her quick mind. “Can we get a lock on them?” 

“No problem.” I answer.

She looks at me, all business. “Beam them directly to Sickbay.” 

“Done.” I nod, looking back up at her. 

“Take Harry and check out what happened to the shuttle.” She orders before turning to Tuvok. “You and I will greet our guests in Sickbay. Chakotay, you have the Bridge.” 

~

The shuttle’s power system is damaged, that much is clear when we materialize. Screens are flickering, the air is barely breathable and there’s an alarm blaring intermittently. We’re wearing environmental suits, just to be safe. 

“Harry.” I yell. “Shut off that damned alarm.” 

With my tricorder I scan my surroundings. The duranium alloy hull and bulkheads are nothing special. But the paralithium readings underneath the floor catch my interest. 

“Harry!” I yell again. “I can’t hear myself think.” 

“Got it.” He replies and thankfully the annoying sound stops abruptly. 

“Get over here.” I order, putting down my tricorder and flashlight to open the panel in the floor. 

Harry crouches next to me. “What have you found?” 

“This shuttle has paralithium based plasma running through its conduits.” I grunt, lifting the panel. 

“So?” Harry helps me put the panel aside and I pick up my tricorder to confirm my theory. 

“This is the shuttle’s propulsion reactor.” I state. 

Harry frowns at my apparent non-sequitur. “It looks intact. I don’t think that’s why this shuttle’s dead in space.” 

“No, I don’t think so either.” I reply, seeing the confusion on Harry’s face. 

There’s annoyance in his voice. “So why are we sitting here, wasting our time looking at the propulsion reactor?” 

“Because I think this is a plasmonic drive.” I present my theory. I point at the main chamber. “According to my readings, the reaction assembly is paralithium based, instead of dilithium based like typical Federation ships.” I explain, then point at the conduits. “That means that the power transfer medium here isn’t an electro-plasma, but a gluon-plasma.”

Harry sighs. “I don’t know why you’re so excited about this. Professor Hyde taught all of that in ‘Propulsion drives’ during the first year at the academy, remember?” 

“Half of the drives he discussed were only hypothetical ones. So was this one. Do you remember why no one even bothered to build this drive?” I ask back. 

“Because gluon plasma can’t sustain high warp.” Harry recites his old textbook dutifully. 

“And that’s because…” I motion for him to continue.

He needs to think a bit harder for the rest. “Because… the gluons decay into hadrons which act as a jet quencher slowing down the matter/antimatter reaction. The efficiency is much lower than for electro-plasma, so the plasmonic drive had no practical use.” 

“There you are.” I grin. 

He looks at me like I’m crazy though. “So what does this have to do with… anything?” 

“A plasmonic drive like this will not be affected by a high neutrino influx.” I explain. 

We’re both silent as Harry lets my words sink in, then he snaps up his head and I know he’s figured it out. 

“And it won’t create the anti-neutrinos. It won’t become unstable. So this ship could get us through the spatial flexure.” He grins wide-eyed. 

“Well, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t all fit, but, yes.” I smile back. 

“So we just need to find a bigger ship.” He veers up. 

“Or install a plasmonic drive on Voyager.” I state. 

He spins around to look at me with raised eyebrows. “Remember when you called all my ideas ‘harebrained’ and ‘unrealistic’?” He tilts his head. “Well, this one takes the cake. Gluon plasma is not compatible with electro-plasma. You said so yourself.” 

“A bigger ship with a plasmonic drive isn’t the answer either, Harry.” I retort. “Once we’re through the flexure, we would only be able to reach warp three at most. It would take us even longer than seventy years to get home at that speed.” I shake my head. “But, if we would vent all the plasma, shut down the core and hook up a plasmonic drive to our EPS system, Voyager would function with gluon plasma instead.” I explain. “Once we are through the flexure, we take the plasmonic drive offline, switch back to EPS and reinitialize the warp core so we can continue our journey at high warp.” 

“But how would we-” He starts, but is interrupted by the chirp of a combadge.

“Janeway to Away Team. Did you find anything?”

“We don’t have all the info yet Captain.” I respond, well aware that she’s expecting news on the status of the shuttle.

“Get back to Voyager and report to the briefing room. You can continue your investigation later.” She orders. “Janeway out.”

~

The Captain waits until everyone has taken his seat before starting.   
“Our guests are from a race called the Emmel. They live on a moon about five lightyears from here.” She looks around the table. “They were on a trade mission when they got caught in an ion storm which rendered their engines inoperative. They’ve been adrift for a couple of weeks, out of supplies.” She nods at the Doctor for him to continue.

“They suffered from severe dehydration and some minor respiratory issues. From that, they will recover without problems.” The Doctor begins. “However, my scans also showed immunological deficiencies that are quite severe. The patients disclosed that their entire population is affected in some way. They’ve been trying to find a cure for generations, up until now without success.” 

“Up until now?” Chakotay asks.

“I’ve managed to stabilize their condition for the moment.” A satisfied look appears on the Doctor’s face. “I’ve also been doing some preliminary research and I think I might be able to find a cure for this virus. It is in some ways quite similar to the retrovirus that was responsible for the AIDS epidemic that occurred on Earth in the twenty-first century.”

The Captain tilts her head. “How sure are you that you can find a cure?” 

“From what our guests told me, the Emmel have already studied the virus in great detail, Captain. Based on their data and my extensive knowledge on immunology I think we have a good chance to find a way to stop it from spreading, if not cure it.” He’s clearly confident that he can do it. But then, modesty was never his strong suit. 

“Very well.” The Captain nods. “We’ll set a course to their planet. In the meantime, beam their shuttle into our Shuttle Bay. Dismissed.” 

“Captain.” Harry speaks up in the middle of everyone scurrying around us. “About the shuttle…” 

“You can continue repairs while it’s in the Shuttle Bay.” She answers briskly, moving toward the door.

“No, that’s not-” Harry shakes his head.

“It can get us home.” I interrupt him. 

The Captain stops and then turns around with a frown. “What?” 

“Not the shuttle, specifically.” I elaborate. “But its power system.” I can see she’s all ears, so I continue. “It can get us through the spatial flexure.” 

“How?” The look she gives me is so full of hope it makes my stomach clench. 

Luckily Harry takes over, enthusiastically explaining the details of the plasmonic drive while I watch her eyes light up. All I can think is that I would give an arm and a leg to keep that smile on her face forever. 

“Gluon plasma…” She looks back at me. “If I’m not mistaken it won’t sustain high warp.” 

“Warp three at most.” I confirm. “Once we’re through the wormhole, we’ll have to switch back to conventional EPS power.”

“How will you do that when the warp core is offline?” She frowns. 

It’s the chicken or the egg. How to reinitialize the warp core without an electro-plasma infusion, and how to make electro-plasma without the matter/antimatter reaction in the warp core? 

“From what I can gather, we should be able to make it to Deep Space 5 in about a month at low warp.” I offer. “There we can switch back to standard EPS.” 

“It will work Captain.” Harry’s enthusiasm brings it home. 

The Captain looks from Harry to me and grins. “Alright. But I want you to work out a more detailed plan. Everything: schematics, parts, contingencies…” She pauses. “When we get to the Emmel tomorrow, we’ll see if we can obtain one of their drives.” Janeway’s gaze shifts between us. “This can work, but I want to be prepared.” 

I nod, feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. 

“Let’s keep this between us, for now.” The Captain adds before we leave, and I know what she’s thinking: the crew isn’t ready for another disappointment.   
And neither is she.

~

“Found you.” 

I look up from my tricorder and smile at the intruder. “All you had to do was ask the Computer where I was.”

The Captain smiles back. “Lucky guess.” She grins. “It was either here or Engineering.” 

I tilt my head. “How did you know I wasn’t just in my quarters, sleeping? It’s past oh-three-hundred.”

“Because I know you. You don’t sleep at a time like this.” She grins and places her hand on her own chest. “I don’t sleep at a time like this.” 

“Harry and I fixed this shuttle.” I gesture at the alien shuttle’s power source in front of me. “Got the juice flowing again. I just wanted to check the power output.” 

She moves towards the plasmonic drive and tentatively puts her hand on the casing. “So this is it? Our ticket home?” 

I move to stand next to her. “We’ll need a bigger version to power Voyager, but yes.” 

The Captain is quiet for a moment. Then she turns to me. Her eyes are almost pleading. “Tell me it will work.” 

My stomach clenches. I will do anything to make this work. Anything. Just for her.   
I lock on to her eyes. “It’ll work.” I state, and I can see in her eyes that she believes me. 

Her unwavering faith in me moves me deeply. No one has ever believed in me like this before. It makes me feel like magic, invincible until proven otherwise. 

The beeping of my tricorder brings me back to reality.   
“The power output shouldn’t be a problem.” I mumble while I check the readings. “But we will have to adapt the power couplings to support spikes in the energy variance of the gluon emissions.” I change the scanning frequency of my tricorder to get more detailed data. 

“Maybe the magnetic constrictors can help with that…” Kathryn offers. 

Looking up at her, I can see the telltale spark of scientific curiosity in her eyes. 

I nod enthusiastically. “Right, we could use them to adjust the containment field in order to counter the gluon’s harmonic resonance frequency.” I write a note on my PADD to remember that I should include this solution into my final plan.

When I look up, I notice Kathryn’s staring at me, biting her bottom lip. 

“What, did I miss something?” I question, not sure if she’s worried about the magnetic constrictors or if there’s something else I should have thought of.

She grins. “I was just thinking how much I love watching that wonderful brain of yours work.” 

A slight blush hits my cheeks. I’ve never been very comfortable with receiving praise, not even from her. I duck my head awkwardly which causes her to smile even wider. Then she stifles a yawn. 

I throw her a look. “Well, as much as I’d love to entertain you with my brain all night, I think you should turn in and get some rest.” 

She reaches out and lightly touches my upper arm. “So should you.” She closes the tricorder I’m holding. “You have all the data you need.” 

Her hands are warm on mine, wrapped around the tricorder. 

I swallow. I really want to lean in and kiss her.

Her thumb softly caresses my hand as we stare in each other’s eyes. I wonder if she’s thinking about kissing me too. 

She licks her lips and the look in her eyes becomes hungry. I guess I have my answer there. I swallow in response, trying to slow down my own heartbeat, when she closes the distance between us. 

“Someone could come in…” I whisper against her lips, trying hard to keep a clear head. But then her mouth is on mine and I can’t resist her, no matter how much I try. Her hands let go of mine, instead opting to pull me closer and a moan escapes me when our kiss deepens. 

My tricorder slips out of my hands and clanks on the floor. The loud noise causes her to veer back, a certain amount of panic in her eyes. 

“It’s okay.” I murmur, kneeling to pick up the tricorder. 

She exhales, trying to get her breathing under control. “I shouldn’t start what I can’t finish.” She grins. 

I smile back and grab my toolkit. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.” 

In the corridor, she walks next to me, a little closer than usual, while we talk some more about the plasmonic drive, until we both stop in front of her quarters. 

“Do you want to come in?” 

The question is inviting, enticing, and I bite my lip.   
“Best not.” I answer, regret obvious in my voice. 

She nods and ducks her head, a bit embarrassed for asking in the first place.   
She keys her door open. “Goodnight B’Elanna.” 

A few doors down I enter my quarters with a smile still on my face and quietly put down my toolkit before making my way to the bedroom. In the dim light, I shrug out of my uniform, put on my pajamas and slide under the covers. Although I try not to wake Tom, he senses my presence and I feel his arm snaking around me.

“Mmm, there you are.” He mumbles. “Thought you left me.” 

The words, though coming from the haziness of dreams, cut through my soul and my smile freezes on my face.  
He couldn’t possibly know, could he? “Shhh, I was just working.” I shush him and I feel him relax back into sleep. 

I try to settle down against the mattress, in his safe embrace, but his words keep running through my mind.   
I thought you left me.

~

The next days pass by in a flurry of activity. 

While we’re on our way to the Emmel homeworld, Harry and I work day and night to finalize our plan for the plasmonic drive. It drives Tom up the walls that both his wife and his best friend are constantly buried in schematics and equations, especially because he doesn’t know what it’s all about. It annoys him so much he’s almost grateful when the Doctor ‘drafts’ him to help with his medical research on the Emmel virus. 

When we finally present our plan to the Captain and the senior staff I’m so tired that I’m sure I look like a walking zombie. But the reactions are as we expected. Seven can’t help but add a bit of her Borg magic, Tom finally understands why we basically ignored him for a week. Neelix is a ball of excitement, explosively hugging Chakotay who’s sitting next to him and obviously feeling a little left out, as he wasn’t included in this. Tuvok steeps his fingers and nods thoughtfully as he goes through the details. The Doctor can hardly wait for his turn to present his progress on finding a cure for the virus. And the Captain beams at us with such pride and happiness that makes all the lack of sleep more than worth it. 

Finally, we arrive at the Emmel homeworld and the Doctor is immediately invited to the Medical Rectorate, while the Emmel High Counsel visits Voyager. It becomes clear very quickly that they’re eager for a chance to trade and willing to assist us where necessary with the installation of the plasmonic drive. They even grant us permission to land the ship to facilitate the adaptations, which makes me sigh in relief, because that just makes the whole endeavor of installing the plasmonic drive a lot less complex. 

After Tom has landed the ship on the Emmel moon, the atmosphere on board suddenly changes. I don’t know if it’s the abundance of natural light streaming through the windows or the prospect of getting home, but the whole crew seems to have an extra bounce in their step. People are giddy, smiling. The excitement is almost tangible in the air. 

“Ready to go shopping for a plasmonic drive?” 

I turn to the Captain and grin. “I thought you’d never ask.”   
I’ve been antsy to get my hands on it, to start working on this project.  
I rifle through a stack of PADDs. “Just hold on a minute though, I have to find the latest specs.” 

Next to me, Harry rolls his eyes and shakes his head, handing me a PADD. “This is the final version, with the updated dimensions of the injection manifolds. Make sure that you get them right.” 

“Hey, I told you that you’re welcome to tag along and check for yourself.” I offer. 

He holds up his hands. “No thank you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my mother and girlfriend back home, it’s that shopping with two women is never fun.” He shakes his head. “Besides, there’s still a ton of preparations to do around here before we can even install the drive, let alone activate it.” 

I softly punch him in the arm. “Just don’t break anything while we’re gone.”   
I turn to the Captain who’s been watching the whole exchange with a barely concealed smile. “Ready?” 

She nods and rolls her eyes at me. “The way you two act makes me wonder which one of us he considers to be his mother.” She grins as we walk out of Engineering. 

“Would you rather he considers you his girlfriend?” I retort. 

Her ebullient laughter catches the attention of the crewmembers we pass in the corridors. I’m sure I’m not the only one noticing that it’s like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. 

Outside, the sun shines on our faces as we walk towards the transport system that will bring us to the Emmel Engineering Rectorate. 

“It’s summer in Indiana right now.” Kathryn speaks softly. She has her eyes closed and her nose upturned to the sun as we wait for the transport to arrive. 

“You will be there for summer next year.” I smile.

She chuckles. “Oh no, I always hated those muggy summers in Indiana. I want to get there in time for winter, it’s my favorite season. Lots of snow, ice cold wind.”

I shiver just from thinking about it. “That doesn’t sound like fun at all.” 

“Sure it is.” She smiles. “It’s so beautiful.” Her gaze turns far away as she sees the image in her mind. “There’s nothing like a long hike through the snowy fields of Bloomington, Indiana.”

“Right.” I snort. I can think of a million things that sound better than that. With a smile, I happily turn back to the sun. Klingons prefer the heat any day of the week.

“You’ll change your mind when we go there.” 

I feel her tense up when she realizes what she just said, what she inadvertently implied. In those carelessly spoken words, was the certainty that we would go to Bloomington, Indiana, her family home, together. The significance of that is not lost on me and it warms my heart to know that she’d want me to get to know that part of her life, her home, her family. A part that I won’t get to see, because when we get home, it will be Tom who takes me to see his home and his family. Not her. 

I venture a look at her, but she studiously ignores me. Instead, she’s staring intently at the horizon. “I think our transport is arriving.” She points to a dot that’s getting bigger. 

I keep looking at her, wanting to show that I understand and that in different circumstances I’d love nothing more than to go with her, but she keeps her eyes fixed on the approaching vehicle, avoiding my eyes until the transport arrives in front of us and the doors open. 

During the short ride to the Engineering Rectorate, the Captain stares out the window and I give her time to collect her thoughts. When the vehicle stops though, I lightly put my hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay?” I ask softly. 

She holds my gaze for a moment, but I can’t read the look in her eyes. “I…” She starts, and I hold my breath, waiting for her words. 

But then the door of our vehicle is opened, and the moment is brutally broken. Kathryn’s transformation into her Captain persona happens so quickly I would have missed it had I blinked. 

“Welcome!” A man, introducing himself as the Director, greets us as we climb out of the vehicle. He shakes our hands vigorously and it’s obvious he’s honored by our presence. As we walk inside the building, I glance at the Captain, noticing how her shoulders relax again as she exchanges the required pleasantries with the Director. She’s worn the mask of Captain for so long, it’s become more comfortable to her than just being herself.

As we enter the meeting room, I place my hand on her shoulder again, wordlessly asking her if she’s really okay, if we’re okay. 

She throws me an uncomfortable smile. “Let’s see if we can find what we need.” 

With a frown, I follow her into the meeting room. Is she talking about the drive or was that a cryptic comment about us?

I pensively stare at her back when she’s at the other side of the room talking to one of the engineers. My thoughts return to that moment in the sun, to the words she spoke so casually. She meant them, I know she did. She saw a future where I went to Indiana with her. Am I not supposed to know she feels that way? Is that why she’s shutting me out, because she’s embarrassed that I found out? Or did she never even realize that she felt that way about me? 

It occurs to me that we never actually finished the conversation about the nature of our relationship. We started it, got as far as recognizing the complexity of our situation but neither of us called it anything other than ‘whatever this is’. And then we got distracted by each other. 

I was more than fine with that then, happy to stick my head in the sand again.  
I assumed that we both wanted the same thing, to ride the wave regardless of where it would lead us, unrestricted by definitions. I figured we would keep it casual and fun and exciting. Our own little corner of the world, barely intersecting with reality.   
But what if I got it wrong?   
What if she sees it differently?

It’s much later, after we’ve reached an agreement with the Emmel on a drive with the right specifications, when we beam back to Voyager. The crew has gathered in Cargo Bay One to catch a glimpse of ‘our ticket home’.

I detect a hint of emotion on her face again as she looks around at her people, her crew, waiting for her to speak. With confidence, she puts her hand on the casing of the drive.   
“Let’s hook this thing up and go home.” She states forcefully and cheers erupt all around us. 

Amidst the jubilant crowd I see Harry checking the dimension of the injector manifolds before he grins at me, putting up his thumb. 

“Oh good, we got the right one.” I chuckle to my left where the Captain was standing moments ago, only to find that she’s already left. 

I look around and see her just before the door closes behind her back. When I take a step in that direction to follow her, I feel Tom wrapping his arms around me. “We’re going home!” He yells over the cheering crowd.

I frown for a second before turning into his embrace, allowing myself to be swept away by the giddy atmosphere around us. “Yes, we are.” I grin.


	10. Chapter 10

Integrating the plasmonic drive with Voyager’s systems turns out to be surprisingly easy and a challenge at the same time. All the difficulties we foresaw –and actively sought solutions for– can be solved as planned. But then there are the unforeseen issues… Of which there are quite a lot, it seems. And so we chase sensor ghosts, dismantle parts and piece them back together, adapt and readapt designs,… 

At one point Tom even shows up with something called ‘duct tape’ when Harry and I are having problems with a power coupling that just won’t hold, which is really no help at all.   
The smug smile on Tom’s face also makes me suspect that he’s the one who tampered with Neelix’s ‘vitamin drink’ to make it taste suspiciously like leola root juice.   
Harry looks almost relieved when the call comes through that Tom is ordered on an away mission with the Doctor to treat patients in the Emmel clinics for the next couple of days. 

“Enjoy your night off.” Harry grins at me before he enters his own quarters. My brain is still so caught up on schematics and to-do lists that it only hits me after I enter my quarters: Tom is not here tonight. That means no silly jokes to distract my mind from thinking about work, no shoulder massage to lull my overworked body to sleep. And no food waiting for me. Tom does all that for me because he loves me, I realize when I replicate a bowl of soup and eat it alone. 

I should just go to bed and enjoy a quiet and unperturbed night’s rest. I should, but I don’t. Because without Tom or work to occupy my thoughts, they return to Kathryn Janeway. And I know that peaceful sleep is out of the question tonight. 

When she opens the door, Kathryn doesn’t seem surprised to see me. She just turns around and walks back into the room, confident I will follow her inside. And of course I do.   
She walks towards the window that now shows a planet landscape instead of the stars we’ve gotten so used to. She turns around and watches me, quietly. Waiting. 

“I haven’t seen you in a while.”   
The last time I saw her was the day we brought back the drive. Given the conversation we had then, I’m not quite sure how she’ll react to my presence. So I purposely keep my voice soft and caring.

“I’ve been busy.”   
Her smile is timid and I can sense she’s still on guard.

Not easily dissuaded, I step a bit farther into the room.   
“Trading negotiations?” I ask, scrunching up my nose with a grin. That kind of diplomatic talk is really not my cup of tea.

“It’s actually going quite well.”   
She grins more genuinely now, watching me as I approach her, not making any attempt to move either away from me or closer to me.  
“How’s the drive coming along?” 

Maintaining eye contact, I close the distance and stop in front of her.   
“We’re making good progress.”

“Good.” She breathes and I can feel her warm breath brush against my skin. 

There’s a moment of silence where we just look at each other as I continue to try to gauge her mood. 

“I’ve missed you.” I whisper.

She looks down and for a fraction of a second I wonder if she’s going to kick me out. Then she swallows hard and I don’t exactly know to what internal conclusion she’s just come but when she looks up at me, vulnerability shines in her blue eyes.   
“I’ve missed you too.” 

Without pause I lean in and kiss her, and I feel her arms wrapping around me, holding me tight as she kisses me back. She seems to have overcome whatever reservations she had.

“I was just about to take a nice long warm bath…” Kathryn whispers in my ear. “Want to join me?” 

My tired body rejoices. “Yes.” I smile.

She grabs my hand and leads me to her bathroom.   
We undress unhurriedly as the tub fills with steaming hot, scented water. It’s scalding my skin when step in and I wonder how her frail human body can even stand it. I watch her face but there’s nothing but bliss on her features as she slides in the water. 

“Come here.” She beckons and I oblige, happily slouching against her, letting her arms and the water envelop me like a warm cocoon. 

She nuzzles my ear. “There’s nothing like a bath to relax…” I can feel the vibrations in her throat against my head as she speaks. 

The heat seeps slowly through my muscles, all the way to my bones.   
“Nothing?” I grin lazily, because I can think of a couple of other things that relax me. 

She bites my earlobe. “You may have to remind me…” 

“I will…” I drawl, but the heat of the water is making me slow and for now I’m just content to be floating here, held together by Kathryn’s arms.  
I realize it’s the first time we’re doing something like this, just spending time together without immediately ending up having sex. It’s nice.

We stay in the water until I feel Kathryn stir behind me and I realize I all but nearly fell asleep. 

“You’ll be more comfortable in bed.” She smiles, nudging me to get out of the tub. 

With my skin still damp and a towel wrapped around me, I follow her to the bedroom. Through the window we watch the setting sun, casting a pinkish glow into the room. 

I kiss Kathryn’s bare shoulder. “It’s beautiful.” 

She leans against me, tilting her head to brush her lips against mine. The kiss builds up slowly, warming my chilling body again from the inside. The towels find their way to the floor and we end up in bed, bodies moving sinuously together until we lay spent in each other’s arms. 

Outside, the sun is making room for the stars in the night sky.   
I study her contours in the dim light. The curve of her hip, the swell of her breasts. Moments like this have always ended with me getting up and leaving. But tonight there’s no one waiting for me at home, no one wondering where I am. Tonight I’m not bound by reality. I wonder briefly if I should stay, if she wants me to. We haven’t been together like this. So close and intimate. 

She sits up and I hold my breath, thinking that she will ask me to leave now. But instead she grabs the covers and arranges them around us.  
“You need sleep.” She whispers. “Come here.” 

A warmth blooms in my chest and I nestle closer to her, catching her scent, feeling her breath tickling my hair. And when I exhale, I surrender to my exhaustion and sleep follows quickly.

~

“You’re up early.” Harry walks into Engineering when I’m calibrating the magnetic constrictors. 

He’s right. I woke up extremely early this morning, at an hour that is technically still considered night. Usually when I wake up at this hour, I just yawn, snuggle deeper under the covers and fall asleep again until a less ungodly number appears on the chronometer. 

But not today. Today, when I opened my eyes when it was still very, very early, I couldn’t close them again. The light before dawn cast a soft ethereal glow over the room and I intended to close my eyes again, sensing that morning was still a couple of hours away, when my eyes fell on Kathryn. She was a vision of perfection, her features made innocent by sleep, little imperfections smoothed over by the lack of light. She had her hand tucked underneath her cheek. And she was snoring lightly. 

It was the snoring that did it. It made me smile, it made my heart swell in my chest and a thought crossed my mind unbidden: I could get used to this. I could see myself waking up next to her tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Only then did I realize that I had completely forgotten about Tom. And for the first time since I started seeing her, I felt another kind of guilt. Not the rational ‘I know this is wrong’ kind of thing, but a gut wrenching, nerve-racking, ‘what am I doing’ feeling that squeezed my throat shut and twisted my gut. 

As I lay there, trying to breathe, I could suddenly clearly see the impossible position I had managed to maneuver myself into. No way back, no way forward. Not without hurting someone I love.

I needed to get some perspective, so I quietly got up. So without a sound, I left her quarters, stopped at my own for a quick shower and something to eat and went down to Engineering to work on the magnetic constrictors until Harry came in just now, wondering why I’m here so early. 

I notice he’s looking at me with some concern in his eyes so I just shrug by way of answering his question. “I’m not used to being planetside anymore. I couldn’t sleep because of the light.” Then I smirk, remembering he sleeps with an eye-mask. Tom relentlessly teases him about that, calling it his granny costume. “Bet you don’t have that problem.” I jest, skillfully maneuvering the conversation away from me.

Harry just throws me a dirty look. 

“Think you can get underneath that console to regulate the plasma flow, grandma?” I add with a grin.

“I’m not sure I can stoop to your level.” Harry shoots back, but he grabs a hyperspanner nonetheless and disappears underneath the console. 

I chuckle and lightly shake my head, resuming the calibration as Harry adjusts the flow. 

We’re nearly finished when the doors open and the Captain enters. She quickly scans the room, finding it empty as she approaches me. 

“There you are.” The smile she gives me is flirtatious and not at all Captain-like. It makes my knees turn into jelly. “I was hoping to catch a little-”

“Breakfast.” I interrupt her abruptly thinking just in time about Harry who’s still underneath the console, well within earshot. 

Kathryn stops and frowns at me. “What?” 

“Breakfast.” I repeat, remembering an excuse I’ve already used with Tom. “I was supposed to fix your replicator last night, so you could have breakfast in the morning. And I forgot.” I say while pointing to the console on her left. 

She looks at me like I’ve grown a second head but then she catches on as she hears noise coming from underneath the console. 

“Well, yes.” She speaks hesitantly at first, unsure of how to play this. “It would be great if you could fix it, Lieutenant.” Her eyes are glimmering as she gains confidence. “I’m not sure how much longer I can stomach Neelix’s substitute for coffee.” 

“I can drop my work on the plasmonic drive and take a look at it right now if you want.” I smile coyly at her. “I’m sure the crew won’t mind waiting an extra hour to get home.”

She sighs theatrically and I stifle a laugh.   
“Oh well, I suppose it can wait ‘til lunchtime.” 

I briefly nod at the unspoken question -I’ll be there at lunchtime- when Harry finally resurfaces and places the hyperspanner in the toolkit. 

“What’s wrong with your replicator Captain?” He asks earnestly. 

She makes a face. “Everything I make seems to materialize burnt.” She shrugs. “Probably a faulty relay.”

The Captain’s lack of cooking skills is legendary on the ship by now, so Harry throws me a look as he nods. “Probably.” He answers politely and then turns to me. “Good luck with that.” 

“Chakotay to Janeway.” 

The Captain slaps her combadge in response. “Janeway here.”

“Captain, we’re receiving an incoming call from the Medical Rectorate.” 

The Captain nods. “I’ll be right there Commander. Janeway out.” 

She turns back to me. “See you at lunchtime Lieutenant.” She holds my gaze a little longer than appropriate and I nod lightly, trying to keep from blushing. 

“Are you going to tell her that the only thing that’s wrong with her replicator is the person operating it?” Harry grins at me.

I laugh and shake my head. “Nah, I’ll probably just replace one of those relays…” 

~

At lunchtime I show up at the Captain’s quarters, holding a toolkit for good measure. 

She grins as she lets me in.   
“Good save, this morning.” 

She leans in and captures my lips with a kiss.   
“Thanks.” I murmur against her mouth. “He doesn’t suspect a thing.” 

Languidly, she pulls back a little, giving me a look. “Of course this could all have been avoided if you’d stayed for breakfast, instead of running off…” 

I don’t know why, but I lie to her. “There’s still so much work to be done, and I couldn’t sleep…” 

It’s obvious that I’m not fooling her, but to my surprise she doesn’t call me out. Instead she kisses me again. “Well you’re here now.” 

We have soup and sandwiches for lunch and it feels good to spend time with her. During our easy conversation she nonchalantly plays with my hand over the table as if she’s never done anything else. My heart flutters and I actively ignore the little voice in my head that reminds me that this kind of familiar coziness is exactly what I was trying to avoid by leaving this morning. As I suspected, somehow the act of sharing a meal together feels more intimate than having sex with her. Feels like more of a betrayal too. 

I don’t stay long, because there really is a lot of work to be done. When I walk back to Engineering, I notice it’s with an extra bounce in my step. 

“And?” Harry grins when I put down my toolbox. 

I stare at him for a moment, wondering what he’s asking before I remember.   
“Faulty relay.” I wink at him. “At least that’s what she thinks.” 

It occurs to me that I’m starting to spin a whole web of little lies around me. And I can’t help but wonder if that’s what will get me in the end.

~

“Paris to Torres.” 

I look up from my console and tap my combadge. “Hey.” I smile to the air around me. “You’re back early.” 

“Yeah.” 

Tom’s weary tone of voice causes Harry to frown questioningly in my direction. 

“When are you getting off work?” Tom continues, sounding tired. 

I shrug in Harry’s direction, indicating I have no idea what’s wrong with Tom either.   
“Soon.” I reply, seeing Joe Carrey enter Engineering to take over from me during the night shift. “Harry and I can meet you at Sandrine’s in ten minutes. You sound like you need it.”

“Yeah. See you there.”

As the comline closes, Harry walks over to me.   
“What’s going on with him?” 

“I don’t know any more than you do.” I shrug. “Let’s finish this test and go find out.” 

When we enter Sandrine’s we find Tom in a quiet corner, nursing a double whiskey. I wrap my arms around him from behind and kiss the top of his head.  
“Are you okay?” My concern is genuine and I study his face as I sink down on the chair next to him. 

He takes another mouthful of whiskey. “Couple more of these should do the trick.” 

I frown. “Did something happen on your away mission?” 

Tom stares down his glass. From the corner of my eyes I see Harry sit down at the opposite side of the table, placing a beer in front of me. 

“The cure that the Doctor found?” Tom starts. “We started administering it in the first clinic. It works really fast. The patient’s blood is virus-free in a matter of hours. The damage to their organs is still there of course, but with the virus out of their system they can start to heal slowly.” He pauses to take another sip. “But with some of the babies… They weren’t strong enough to survive the shock to their system. Five of them started… hemorrhaging… and-” He draws a ragged breath. 

I squeeze his arm. “Oh Tom…” 

“One of them died in my arms.” His voice is just above a whisper. “A baby boy.” He closes his eyes. “There is no way to console a young mother who just saw her baby bleed to death…” He gulps down the rest of his whiskey. “I guess I’ll stick to piloting starships in the future.” 

He signals Sandrine for another whiskey. Then, with an explosive sigh, he leans back. “Anybody up for a game of pool? I need the distraction.” 

Harry gets up to play a game with him, while I sit and watch my husband trying to forget the dreadful things he’s witnessed in the past twenty-four hours… and I try to ignore that while he was going through all that, I was in bed with the Captain, cheating on him. 

I take turns with Harry, playing pool with Tom. It’s a rather quiet affair as we all fight our own demons during the game. 

Tom seems marginally more relaxed when we walk home. When we get inside our quarters I wrap my arms around him. I do it to comfort him, but also to alleviate my own guilt. I want to be there for him. Slowly, I open his jacket and slide my hands underneath his shirt, pressing myself against him. 

“B’Elanna…” He breathes. “Not now.” 

But I don’t stop. “It’ll take your mind off of things.” I whisper in his ear and then bite his earlobe.   
A shudder goes through him and I feel him trying to resist a little longer before sighing and giving in. I kiss him roughly, pulling off his shirt as he maneuvers me against the door. 

Our movements are straightforward and determined, which is exactly fitting for two people looking for a reprieve from their inner turmoil. We move together in a primal rhythm, focusing only on the physical sensations and pleasures we derive from it. I bare my teeth at him in a feral grin, my Klingon side enjoying the roughness of the act. For even though I don’t throw furniture, this kind of rougher sex fulfills a need I don’t always feel comfortable acknowledging. 

And when I dig my nails into the flesh of Tom’s shoulders he hisses in pain, but in his eyes I see that the physical pain brings him the relief he’s been seeking.   
It strikes me that I need it as much as he does.


	11. Chapter 11

“Ready?”   
My hands fly over the console, checking again if everything is indeed as it should be. 

“All set.” Harry replies.

I make eye contact with everyone in Engineering to make sure before I turn to the Captain, standing in the middle of it.   
“We’re as ready as we’ll ever be, Captain.” 

She nods. “Good. Let’s start the test.” 

I turn to my crew. “Switch essential systems to back-up power. Lower the warp core output to two percent, disconnect the nacelles and purge all plasma from the EPS system. 

I watch the dance of numbers, indicators and variables on my display until I see what I need to see. We’re ready for the next phase. 

Janeway’s gaze is resting upon me when I look up at her. I nod slowly and wait for her to nod back before I speak again. 

“Initiate the plasmonic drive.” My voice is low and confident but on the inside I feel a twinge in my stomach. This is the first real test. If this doesn’t work, we’ll have to seriously revise our plans. 

The display in front of me becomes alive again, allowing me to look inside my ship and watch our adaptations come to life.   
A couple of meters from me, the Captain is watching her own screen with the same intensity. She has her hand on the metal next to the console and I can see her lips move slightly, probably inaudibly bargaining with Voyager so she’ll come through for us. 

“Drive is online and the flow is stable at thirty-five percent.” I report for everyone when we’ve reached that milestone. “Open the EPS inlets and increase output to seventy percent. Slowly.” 

It goes less smooth than I had hoped. The gluon plasma is much more sensitive to geometrical effect than I anticipated. Every manifold increases the turbulence of the flow just a little bit, and I see values flirt with the safety margins. 

“Slow down the drive’s output increase.” I urge Harry. “We’re going a little too hot.” 

He nods without taking his eyes off his screen and his hands fly over the console. “The turbulence is within limits, but I do recommend we change the manifold design in a couple of places.” 

“Agreed.” I reply. “Now let’s try to get the output to maximum, so we know we can handle it without burning out the grid.” 

“Output at eighty-five percent.” Carey reports. 

“Steady.” I offer. “The flow is getting more turbulent again.” 

Then my console beeps in alarm and at the same time there’s a small tremor noticeable through the ship.   
“A conduit blew out on Deck Twelve!” Harry yells. “I’m bypassing that section right now.”

“No casualties. Hazard team is responding.” Nicoletti adds. 

“Got it.” Harry looks up at me with a reassuring grin, but at the same time I see red lights blinking in alarm on my console. 

“The flow is getting unstable. Shut it do-”

Right before I can abort the test, my words are swallowed up by the sound of a conduit exploding on the other side of Engineering. And I look up at the Captain just in time to see the blast kick her violently into her console. 

It’s one of those moments where time seems to slow down.   
I register Carey’s voice, yelling that the drive is deactivated and I know it means that the danger is over. My feet are moving towards Janeway on their own volition and I hear myself curse when she hits the ground and bounces back a little. 

In less than a second I’m by her side, my hands on her face. “Kathryn!” My heart tightens in my chest. “Kathryn.” I repeat, checking her vitals and feeling a strong pulse still. Then she groans and it’s like music to my ears.   
Her eyes flutter open and after a while focus on my face. 

“Still here.” She slurs and I grab her hand, squeezing it tight. 

“Don’t move.” I urge her and slap my combadge. “Torres to Sickbay, medical emergency.” 

Only then, only THEN, do I look around to see if there are any other casualties.   
I see Tal Celes’ arm in an odd angle and realize it must be broken. Nicoletti has a gash on her forehead. But otherwise everyone seems fine, if not a little shaken. 

I hear the transporter buzz and frown when Tom materializes. I’d expected the Doctor, but it dawns on me he’s probably still with the Emmel. 

My husband makes his way down to us, to Kathryn, and opens his tricorder as he kneels next to me. “Are you okay?” The way he ever so briefly looks over at me, I know the question is intended for me and not for the patient. Ordinarily I’d appreciate his concern for me, but now I just want him to focus on Kathryn whose face has turned a little pale.

“I’m fine.” I answer tersely. “She got knocked around by the explosion. I think she hit the console here.” With my free hand I point at her abdomen. The other one is still clutching Kathryn’s hand and I’m not willing to let go. 

“There’s some internal bleeding. And it looks like her spleen has ruptured.” Tom confirms. “She’ll need surgery.” 

I look up at him, and then look around the room. My eyes fall on Harry, who’s looking at us with a strange expression.   
“Call the Doctor back.” I order him. “Tell him he’s needed for surgery.” 

I feel Tom grab my arm. “B’Elanna, I can do it.” He says. “This surgery is not that complicated.”

“It’s the Captain.” I bite back, sharper than I intend. “There’s no room for error here.” I look at Harry again. “Beam us to Sickbay, and get the Doctor.” 

It feels like a small eternity before we’re in Sickbay. The Captain loses consciousness again while we place her on the biobed. I sigh in relief when the Doctor beams in. 

“What happened?” 

Tom professionally briefs him on the Captain’s medical status and stands back as the EMH takes over. 

“Will she be okay?” I ask, trying to minimize the trembling in my voice. I feel Tom looking at me but I studiously avoid his gaze. 

“She will if you let me do my job, Lieutenant.” The Doctor answers and Tom’s hand is on my elbow, leading me out of the way. 

Tom steps between me and the Captain, effectively making me look at him.   
“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting strange.”

We’re interrupted by the door to Sickbay opening and more people coming in. Harry supports Tal who’s wincing at her broken arm. Nicoletti is pushing a rag against her head wound.   
And Tom leaves my side at once to tend to their injuries. 

I watch him as he helps Nicoletti on a biobed and grabs a disinfectant. Despite his initial reluctance to be trained as a medic, he’s good at it and I realize that I probably hurt his feelings when I demanded to get the Doctor. 

My head turns back towards the Captain, lying pale and still on the main biobed.   
I had to get the Doctor for her. If something would’ve happened to her under Tom’s hands… I never would have been able to forgive myself. Or him. 

I stare at the Doctor, who is working fast and focused, as if by sheer force of will I can make him heal her. 

There’s a hand on my shoulder. “It’s not your fault.” Harry tells me softly. 

Of course it’s my fault. I should have seen this coming somehow. But I haven’t allowed myself to beat myself up over that. I need her to be okay first. There’s no space in my mind for anything else. Yet. 

“There. Good as new.” The Doctor speaks up. 

An immense burden falls from my shoulders and I fly to her bedside just as the Doctor presses a hypospray in her neck to wake her up. 

“Hi…” I smile at Kathryn when her eyes flutter open. “How do you feel?” 

She moves her body slightly to take inventory. “Sore.” She groans.

The Doctor places a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t try to get up just yet. We’re going to keep you here for a couple of hours for observation.”   
He calls Tom over to the monitor and starts discussing her further treatment with him. 

Kathryn grabs my hand. “Hey, stop worrying. I’m okay.” Her voice is soft and no one is paying attention to us. 

My lip trembles so I bite it, fighting to keep my emotions under control, but only partially succeeding. “I thought I’d lost you…” 

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” She grimaces. 

I know if I could bury my face in her neck and breathe in her scent it would go a long way towards easing my worries. But we’re not alone. I quickly glance in Tom’s direction, noticing he’s not paying attention to us. So I settle for briefly cupping her cheek with my hand, feeling calmer already when she turns her head to lean into my palm. 

“Mister Paris will take care of your post-op checks while I continue my work with the Emmel.” The Doctor explains to the Captain, and I quickly remove my hand from her face as he approaches us. He places a hand on her shoulder. “I expect you to make a speedy recovery, but rest assured that should anything happen, I’ll be right back.” 

Janeway nods. “Thank you Doctor.” Then she turns to me, and by extent my crew. “Why don’t you go down to Engineering and find out if the drive is salvageable.” 

Even post-op, lying down on a biobed she manages to make her voice hold command.   
I don’t particularly want to leave her, but I know that I have to. Most of my team is now in reasonable shape to return to work.   
“Let’s go.” I nod in their direction, then look back at my Captain. “I’ll keep you posted.” I tell her. 

She holds my gaze for a minute. “Please do.” 

“She needs to rest now.” Tom chimes in. His eyes are on me and I think he’s trying to figure out if I’m okay. I can tell he doesn’t understand my behavior and that he’s worried about me. 

I let my gaze go from him to Janeway again, noticing she has her eyes closed now, and back to him again. He nods at me, conveying that he’s got it under control, that he will look out for her, backing the Captain’s earlier statement that it’s now my turn to go take care of the ship for her. 

I exhale, knowing he’s right. We all have our roles to play. So I throw him a quick smile and march out of Sickbay, leaving him with her. And her with him. 

~

As it turns out, the damage to the EPS system is manageable. Since we’re still on the Emmel moon, it’s quite easy to get repairs started. Two Emmel engineers are already proposing to use redesigned manifolds to better control the flow in the future. 

“Paris to Torres.” 

I look up from my console in alarm and slap my combadge. “Torres here.”   
Did something happen to her?

“Just wanted to let you know that the Captain has been given a clean bill of health.” Tom tells me and I exhale in relief. “She’s back on duty now.” 

He’s telling me because he thinks I feel responsible and guilty about getting her injured during my test.  
“Thanks for letting me know.” The relief in my voice is real, but not for the reason he thinks. 

The line closes and I turn to Harry. “Can you continue for a bit without me?” I gesture at the repairs and the two Emmel engineers in enthusiastic discussion with Joe Carey. “I’ll go give the Captain a status update. She’ll be happy to hear that we can solve the problem.” 

I expect him to shrug and say ‘okay’, but Harry just stares at me. 

“What?” I urge, thinking that maybe there’s something I’ve missed with regard to the drive. But he just grabs my arm and all but drags me toward my office.   
“Harry, what’s wrong?” I repeat, not understanding. 

He stares at me for a moment.

“What’s going on between you and the Captain?” He asks me urgently in hushed tones. 

I frown at him. “Harry, what are you-”

“Are you sleeping with her?” He interrupts me.

My body involuntarily stiffens when I hear him say those words. And my reaction tells him all he needs to know before I can deny it. 

He exhales heavily, shaking his head in disapproval. 

How did he find out? I remember the way he looked at me after the Captain got hurt. I remember he was watching us in Sickbay. I should have been more careful, but I was too worried to care.  
“Harry, I-” I start feebly, but I don’t know how to give a plausible explanation for what he saw or heard. 

“Don’t.” He stops me, holding up his hand. “I don’t want to hear it.” 

His cold judgment hurts me more than I care to admit. 

He looks back at me. “Does Tom know?” 

“No.” I stammer. “Harry, whatever you think is going on-”

“If you don’t tell him, I will.” He says curtly.

My eyes grow wide and suddenly I’m angry. “What the fuck, Harry, that’s not your call!” 

He jabs a finger against my sternum. “He’s my best friend. I can’t keep something like this from him.” He speaks vehemently, still trying to keep his voice down since we’re not exactly in private. “Either you tell him, or I do. Your choice.”   
With that, he stalks out of my office.

I watch him as he walks back to his console, wondering what to do now. How did I ever think I could get away with this without someone finding out?

I decide to stick to my original plan and go see Kathryn. Maybe we can figure it out together. 

Luckily, Tom is not on the Bridge when I pass it to get to the Captain’s Ready Room. I’m not sure I’d have been ready to face him just now. My own shame would have made it impossible for me to look him in the eye. How is it that only now that I’m caught I feel so wretched about cheating on him? 

Kathryn’s features initially turn into a smile when she sees me entering the room, but quickly turn into worry. “What’s wrong?” She questions, starting to get up from her comfortable position on the couch. 

“Don’t get up. You should be resting.” I tell her and I sink down next to her on the couch. 

She’s still eyeing me worriedly. “Is it the drive? We’re not going home?” There’s resignation already in her voice. 

I shake my head. “The drive’s fine. We can fix the problem that caused the explosion. We’ll test again tonight.” 

There’s confusion on her face. “That’s good news.” She speaks and grabs my hand. “But then what’s wrong?” Her eyes are searching my face as if she can divine the answer if only she looks hard enough.

I swallow. “Harry knows. About us.” I grind out. “He’s going to tell Tom if I don’t.” 

There’s silence for a second and then Kathryn exhales heavily, closing her eyes. 

“I don’t know what to do.” I utter softly. 

She glances at me and then down again as she carefully extricates her hand from mine. “We have to end this.” She whispers, so quietly I can barely hear her. 

My eyes widen as the meaning of her words sinks in. “What? No!” I look at her incredulously. “Kathryn!” 

When she looks me in the eye again, I can already see the wall she’s putting up. I feel the ground disappearing beneath my feet.   
“It’s the only way, B’Elanna. Tom is your husband.” 

“No!” I repeat, stronger now. “I can’t lose you.” The fresh memory of the explosion, seeing her lying so still, making me think I had lost her washes over me and the anguish I felt then nestles again in my stomach. “I’ll divorce him. I want to be with you.” I blurt out without thinking. 

“This affair was always going to end, B’Elanna.” She speaks dejectedly. “We both knew that going in. You are married, and even if you weren’t, I’m still your Captain.” 

“Who cares?” I reply angrily. “Who cares that you’re my Captain?” 

“I do.” She retorts, her voice rising. “And the other people on this ship do too.” She’s suddenly angry. “If you’re so devastated over Harry’s response to finding out about us, imagine what it would be like to face a whole ship full of people who have an opinion about us, about your marriage, about the immorality of our actions… People we work with every day. People that I have to lead.” She pinches the bridge of her nose. “It’s not just about you and me. It’s about the functioning of this ship and my credibility as a Captain and your credibility as a senior officer too.” 

“If you feel this strongly about all that, why did you ever kiss me back that night?” I can’t mask the bitterness in my voice. 

She looks down at her hands. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen in the first place.” Her voice sounds restrained and I wonder who’s she’s trying to convince.

I don’t believe her. I know for a fact that she wanted it as much as I did, that what we had was real. My mind goes back to a couple of days ago, when she unwittingly daydreamed about a future where she’d take me home to Indiana with her.  
But out here, she needs to be the martyr of our circumstances, unwilling and incapable of not playing her role as Captain. And there’s nothing I can do to change that. 

“Believe that if you have to.” I say as I get up. “And ask yourself if you still feel that way when you get back to Indiana all alone…” 

~

I make it out of her Ready Room and into the turbolift before I feel the tears stinging in my eyes. While I pause the lift, I press my fists against my eyes and take a deep breath, to try to keep my feelings inside. 

My stomach sits tight as a fist inside me and I don’t know whether grief or anger is the most predominant of the emotions that whirl through me at this moment. My Klingon side would like nothing more than to kick the shit out of something and I briefly think about going to the Holodeck to do so. But instead I just let out an explosive curse and decide to channel all my frustration and heartache and pain into getting the plasmonic drive back up and running. 

I enter Engineering and I head straight for the power tools and wordlessly assist the repair team with removing the damaged conduits. My crew knows me well enough by now to realize that something’s wrong and that it’s best to just leave me alone until I’ve processed whatever is so obviously bothering me. 

When I pass Harry, he throws me a questioning look. 

I look around, trying to ascertain how many people can hear us.  
“You got what you wanted.” I hiss at him. “It’s over between me and her.” 

“Did you tell Tom?” He has the audacity to ask.

I drop my tools and move closer to him. He has the dignity of looking at least a little bit intimidated. “What, you’re gonna screw me over twice, Starfleet?” I threaten, using his old nickname with a tone of disgust. “I just told you it’s over. Now stay the hell out of my business if you know what’s good for you.” 

“He should know what you did.” Harry counters and a part of me respects him for standing up to me the way he’s doing. 

“Not everything in life is as black and white as you’d like it to be, Harry.” I sneer. “You shouldn’t concern yourself with things you don’t understand.”


	12. Chapter 12

The next days I bury myself in work, only taking the minimum amount of time required to eat and sleep to ensure I can still function. 

Tom is worried about me, but I brush him off using work as an excuse. Harry keeps throwing me disapproving glances from afar and the Captain doesn’t come down to Engineering once, not even after the successful repeat of the earlier test. I get some revenge by sending Harry up to her to deliver the status report. But knowing how uncomfortable they both undoubtedly have to be, together in one room, both of them knowing the truth and unwilling to acknowledge it, gives me only little bit of comfort.

Days pass by as we finish the installation and testing of the plasmonic drive. The Doctor wraps up his work with the Emmel, leaving them with a cure for their disease and we take off from the moon to set a course back to the flexure that might take us home. 

To pass the time until we get there, I run about every diagnostic I can find –twice– until there is nothing for me to do but wait. 

My anger has dissipated mostly over the last couple of days. My grief not so much though. And with too much time to reflect, I start to wonder if it was foolish of me to think that I could have it all, that there would be no consequences. I ask myself if I should have made more of an effort to talk with Kathryn about the reality of our affair instead of just sticking my head into the sand, hoping for the best. I think about how, in the end it wasn’t the little lies that gave us away, as I thought they would, but rather the simple truth, plainly visible on our faces for all who cared to look. 

I’m in bed, staring at the ceiling when Tom comes in. 

“Big day tomorrow.” He states and I know he’ll use my answer to gauge what mood I’m in. I haven’t treated him right these last few days. Well, and the days before, obviously. 

“Yeah…” I answer, not entirely unfriendly. 

He seems encouraged by my less than hostile reply. “Think we’ll make it through?” He sits down on the bed next to me. 

“God I hope so.” I reply honestly. 

He probably thinks I want to succeed so badly because of all the work I put in, or because he thinks I miss my home more than I let on in the past. But it’s none of that. It’s because the thought of having to spend the rest of my life here, on this ship with him and her and Harry in this… stifling atmosphere is a prospect so dreary I’d give anything to avoid it. If we get through the flexure, we won’t be home yet. There will still be time left to serve, but at least the promise of escape will be on the horizon. 

“Just think,” he continues, “we could be only one rocky ride away from the Alpha Quadrant.” 

“Rocky?” I smirk. “Are you losing your touch Flyboy?” 

He grins cockily. It reminds me of our early days, of times when I couldn’t envision ever cheating on him. A flash of guilt surges through me.

“Tom, I-”

He kisses me before I can say anything. And I feel myself responding to it. For days now, I’ve kept my interactions with him to the bare minimum. I’ve starved myself of anything remotely resembling intimacy. And now that he’s touching me, I suddenly crave it, like I’ve been in the desert for ages and now someone offers me water. 

“I’ve missed you.” He whispers, so softly I can barely hear him. 

In response I push him on the bed and straddle him. Using my body weight, I hold him down and bite his neck.

“Still think I’m losing my touch?” He whispers into my ear when his hands start fondling me. 

“Happiness is only a rocky ride away.” I breathe as I push myself against him. 

Afterwards I think about my words and I wonder if I’ll find happiness in the Alpha Quadrant again. 

~

“Engineering is ready Captain.” Those are the first words I’ve spoken to her in about a week. 

Janeway looks at me and nods, and I feel a dull ache in my chest, where my heart used to be. She seems a little pale and there’s a drawn quality to her face which I assume most of my colleagues would attribute to stress regarding our upcoming attempt to get home. 

“Let’s get the plasmonic drive online.” The Captain orders. “Red alert. Shut down the warp core, switch main systems to back-up and vent all plasma through the nacelles.” 

I’ve run so many simulations by now that I know the read-outs by heart. The screen in front of me shows exactly what I want to see. “Warp core is offline.” I report. “Primary systems are on back-up power.” I tap my screen. “All remaining plasma has been vented.” I make eye contact with the Captain, waiting for her nod before I continue. “Powering up the plasmonic drive.” 

Thanks to the adapted geometry of the manifolds, the drive comes online without so much as a glitch. “Gluon plasma is stable. I’m switching the primary systems back to the main network.” 

“All systems are now functioning on plasmonic energy.” Harry confirms. “No problems reported.” 

“How long until the flexure opens?” Janeway asks.

“Two minutes.” 

Janeway nods. “Tom, set a course for the quasar. B’Elanna, bring the enhanced shields online.” 

The nervous anticipation on the Bridge rises and even I start to feel a little excited. I go through the dozens of simulations that I’ve conducted in the last days, wondering if I might have missed something after all.   
“All systems nominal.” I breathe. 

“Distance is fifty thousand kilometers.” Tom reports. 

“The flexure will open in five, four, three, two, one. Neutrino levels are rising.” Harry chimes in. 

“Detecting subspace fluctuations.” Seven adds. “The event horizon has formed.” 

“Take us in. Slowly.” Janeway orders and we all hold our collective breaths when Voyager moves towards the flexure. 

As predicted, the ship starts trembling and the rocking increases as we get closer to the event horizon. This is where it all went wrong the previous time. 

“Come on.” I find myself mumbling under my breath. I all but glare at my console, willing the blaring alarms that I fear to stay away.

There’s a sudden jolt and then Voyager seems to be shaking a little less. 

“We’ve passed the event horizon.” Seven clarifies. 

“Shields are holding.” I add, almost surprised. “Plasmonic drive is stable.”

“Steady as she goes, Mister Paris.” Janeway adds. “How long until we reach the other side?” 

“Based on the probe’s telemetry, approximately one point three minutes.” Seven answers. 

I take a moment to look at the viewscreen, to take in the miraculous sight that is part physics, part sensor error due to the extreme conditions they’re not calibrated for.   
I see Tom’s back, hunched in concentration, his fingers flying over the console to navigate this strange environment to the best of his abilities. 

The silence on the Bridge is eerie, only the steady beeps and buzzes of technology reminding us that we actually exist. Time has no meaning here. We’re in limbo, neither here nor there. We’ve survived the beginning of this journey and we’re getting ready for the end, in one way or another. 

“We’re approaching the other side.” Seven states solemnly and my eyes fly back to my readings. 

The turbulence increases, Voyager throws us around a bit more, forcing us to hold on to whatever is in our reach. Should it be this rocky? I ask myself. Will we make it through?

Just as I start doubting that this is going right, there’s a big jolt again, similar to the one we experienced as we entered the flexure. 

“We’re through!” Harry exclaims and indeed the viewscreen shows normal space, filled with stars. 

“The flexure is closing.” Seven states. 

“Tom, hold position.” Janeway orders and then turns impatiently to Seven. “Can you confirm where we are?” 

“Stand by.” The Borg replies as she checks with Astrometrics. All of us are staring at her intently, holding our breaths. 

“We’re… in the Alpha Quadrant.” She states after a moment, surprised as if up until now she never thought we’d actually make it. 

There’s a split second of silence before cheering erupts all around me. Then the Bridge fills with the sound of people laughing and clapping through the comm. 

I feel a strange kind of numbness, as if I’m floating above it all, not really experiencing it firsthand. In the midst of it all, my eyes find Kathryn’s. I notice that they’re moist. ‘Thank you.’ She mouths at me. And those two little words yank me down from where I was floating. I let out a cry that holds the middle between a laugh and a sob as I suddenly feel so deeply a mixture of joy and sorrow that I can’t keep it all inside. 

~

The next couple of hours pass in a flurry of activity. 

We confirm that our position is exactly in the remote sector of the Alpha Quadrant we anticipated. The plasmonic drive is stable but as we predicted, the gluon plasma can’t sustain high warp. We’re currently limping at a mere warp three point six towards Deep Space 5. From there we should be able to contact HQ and our families. And then, in a few months, we will be home. 

All my crewmates are sporting permanent smiles. They’re counting the days and making plans and lists of things they want to do when they get back to Earth, people they want to see. They’re dreaming up their future.

I do none of those things. I try smiling a little, because I’d stand out like a sore thumb if I didn’t and I don’t want the attention. But mostly I just focus on the steps that are directly in front of me instead of gazing at the horizon.

I have to monitor the plasmonic drive so that it doesn’t burn too hot. I have to get good quality electron plasma on Deep Space 5. I have to restart the matter/anti-matter reaction and reactivate the warp core. They’re well defined tasks, serving a specific purpose. They’re interesting enough to keep my mind occupied, to keep me from thinking about her and the future that doesn’t include her.

There’s a party tonight. And I mean a real party, not the kind of luau-style, polite, granny-party that Neelix likes to organize. No, this party is a rave with loud music reverberating through every cell of your body and a light show that burns itself on your retinas. With people dancing to the beat until they’re ready to drop, with sweaty bodies and too much to drink. The sort of party that Kathryn Janeway doesn’t attend. And that’s about the only reason why I let Tom drag me here. 

Despite my initial reluctance however, I feel myself absorbing the music and the energy of the crowd, becoming a part of it. True, the alcohol I’ve consumed already may have helped a little in that regard. The fact is that I’m starting to enjoy myself as I move my body to the beat, experiencing the same kind of trance as everyone around me and at the same time feeling as though I’m in my own private unworldly bubble. 

My state of bliss doesn’t last long though, as I see Harry making his way toward us. 

“Hi guys!” He yells over the music. “I brought drinks!” And he holds up three cups containing the bright orange liquid that is popular tonight. 

Tom grins and takes one, but I make a dismissive motion with my hand. “I don’t want a drink from you.” I hiss. 

Harry sighs but holds the cup in front of me anyway. “Peace offering.” 

“I said I don’t want it!” I push him away from me, managing to spill part of the drink onto his shirt. I start walking toward the exit of the Holodeck. Suddenly I’m done with all this. 

Tom follows me and grabs my arm before I can leave.  
“Hey, what’s the matter with you? He was just offering you a drink.” 

I yank my arm free and I’m aware of people around us watching us. “I’ve had enough.” I spit, feeling I’m close to losing control. It’s probably wise for me not to drink any more alcohol anyway. 

“Look, I don’t know what’s been going on between you and Harry lately or why you’re not speaking to each other.” He starts and I’m surprised he noticed that because he hasn’t brought it up before. “But whatever it is, can’t you just put it aside for one night?”

I feel my throat constrict, the familiar mix of numbness and disillusion taking hold of me again. “I can’t pretend everything is alright when it’s not.” I choke, seeing Harry approach us. 

“But what’s wrong?” Tom frowns. “We made it home. Thanks to your hard work no less.” He cups my face. “We have a whole future waiting for us. Doesn’t that count for something?” 

“I cheated on you.” I blurt out. I don’t know if I say it because of the alcohol, or because of the thought of a future without Kathryn in it in some way or another suddenly seems unbearable. The minute the words come out of my mouth I regret them, but I also feel strangely relieved to have it out in the open.

Tom’s smile falters and his hands fall away from my face.   
“What?” He stammers. 

“I’m so sorry.” I continue. “I never meant for it to happen. It just… did and-”

“With Harry?” Tom turns to his friend, anger flashing in his eyes.

“No!” We shout in unison. 

“It wasn’t with Harry. He found out about me and-” I start feebly and then I notice that we have attracted quite the audience around us.   
“Look, maybe we should continue this conversation in private.” 

Tom roughly grabs me by the elbow and leads me outside into the empty corridor. There he lets go of me.   
“Who was it?” 

“The Captain.” I whisper.

I can tell by the look of surprise on his face that she wasn’t on his list of possibilities.   
“I’m sorry Tom. I never meant to hurt you.” I reiterate when he stays silent. 

“Are you still seeing her?” He asks.

I think back to our conversation in her Ready Room and shake my head. “No.” 

He exhales. “Was it serious?” 

How do I answer that? “I don’t know.” I whisper, truthfully.

With a sigh, he rubs his face in his hands.   
In the silence that follows I gnaw at the nail of my thumb. 

“I’m sorry.” I offer again, not knowing what else to say. 

Tom looks like he’s going to be sick. “I will be staying at Harry’s for a while.” He states. “I need some time to think.” 

I nod sullenly as he abruptly turns and walks away.

“Tom?” I call after him and he stops but doesn’t turn around. “It didn’t happen because I stopped loving you.” 

His shoulders twitch ever so slightly, but he doesn’t say a word, instead just continues walking. 

I stare at his back until he rounds the corner and then slump against the wall, burying my face in my hands.


	13. Chapter 13

My sleep that night is not fitful. After a quick shower, I opt to skip breakfast altogether and make my way down to Engineering.   
All the way down there, I notice people looking at me, either with covert glances or unabashed stares. The rumor mill must be doing overtime. 

My engineering crew is a little more discreet than most, but by the way they’re acting around me I know for a fact that they’re fully aware of last night’s events.   
I straighten my shoulders and focus on my work, pretending that nothing’s wrong. 

Only when I venture up to the Mess Hall for lunch do I actually manage to overhear some of the gossip, and I realize that the public opinion is not on my side on this one, just like Kathryn predicted. 

The Delaney sisters, who I remember were watching us from the crowd yesterday evening, are recounting the whole story, with much exaggeration, to Chakotay.   
“Now they say that it was the Captain she had the affair with.” Megan finishes, opening her eyes wide in feigned shock. 

I close my eyes, cursing inwardly that they’ve already discovered that. 

Chakotay’s ensuing chuckle sounds a little forced to my ears. “Don’t believe everything you hear Megan.” He pats her on the shoulder as he gets up. 

I’d have thought that he might have defended me a little. That at least he of all people would be able to understand my side of things, understand how love has its own way of surfacing, even if it isn’t always right. His lack of open support for me stings, I have to admit. 

He notices me at the counter and I can tell by the look in his eyes, that he knows everything. I’m assuming Kathryn confided in him.

“Does everybody think I’m the bad guy here?” I ask him softly.

He glances at me sideways. “I’m just trying to keep the Captain out of this.” He keeps his voice low but I can hear he’s not happy with any of it. 

I think about how this is exactly what she wanted to avoid. “Is she okay?” I ask timidly. 

He sighs and looks at me fully. “I don’t know. She didn’t say much.” He takes his plate off the counter. “Are you okay?”

I just shrug listlessly in response. 

He exhales and looks at me with compassion before motioning with his head for me to follow him. “Come on.” 

Under many watching stares I follow him to a table in the corner, grateful for the fact that I won’t have to eat alone like an outcast. 

~

After a whole day I have more than enough of all the stares and whispering. The way people act you’d think I’d killed someone.   
So after my duty shift, I retreat to my quarters, alone. Maybe later tonight, during the graveyard shift, I’ll go for a run on deck twelve. 

When my doorchime sounds, I think –I hope– it might be Tom. But to my surprise it’s Kathryn who walks in.   
She stops just inside, allowing the door to close behind her. 

We stare at each other for a moment, as if we’re both surprised to be in the same room together. She looks tired, I notice. 

After a moment in which she seems to wonder how to proceed, she exhales.   
“Are you okay?” She asks me softly. 

I half expected her to say ‘I told you so’. But the look in her eyes shows genuine care for me and suddenly I don’t trust my own voice to answer. So I merely shrug in reply. 

She leans back against the wall. “Have you talked to Tom?” 

I shake my head. “He said he needed some time to think.” 

“That’s understandable.” She straightens, reaching out to fiddle with the ornaments on the dresser next to the door. “What made you decide to tell him?” 

I take some time to think about my answer, not sure that I really understand the reason myself. “I guess talking about a future in the Alpha Quadrant with this still a secret felt too much like a lie.”

She nods slowly in understanding and her hands fall to her side. “I hope your marriage survives this.” 

As she turns to leave, I jump up from the couch. “Wait. Kathryn…”   
I stop two meters in front of her, suddenly unsure. “I miss you…” I breathe. 

She swallows hard. “I miss you too.” She confesses in a whisper. Then her face breaks into a painful grimace. “But what we did was selfish and irresponsible.” She shakes her head. “Look what it cost us…” 

“I’d still do it all again.” I blurt out. And it’s true, I would pursue her again in a heartbeat, disregarding everything and everyone else.

She throws me a resigned look. “I know. That’s why I’m not letting you.” She steps closer to me and puts her hands on my shoulders. “Fight for the future you can have, B’Elanna. That means you have to fight for Tom, not for me.”

When she turns around and leaves, part of me wants to run after her. But deep down I know it’s no use. I won’t be able tear down the wall she’s put between us. Not this time. Not while she’s convinced that this is her penance. 

My only hope is to repair what’s been destroyed with Tom. I will admit my mistakes and do anything –anything– so he might forgive me. Kathryn’s right. I have to fight for what I can still have.  
That will be my penance. 

“Torres to Paris. Do you have a moment? I was hoping we could talk…”

~

Tom comes to me, to our quarters to talk. I was dreading having an awkward conversation on Harry’s lumpy couch, while Harry himself would be in his bedroom, trying not to listen in. But Tom told me he’d meet me in our quarters. He used that exact term: ‘our’ quarters. 

As it turns out, the conversation on our own couch is just as awkward as it would have been on Harry’s. 

“I want you to know how much I regret what I did.” I start. “It was selfish and irresponsible.”   
When I say it, I realize I’m quoting Kathryn’s earlier words. I close my eyes and swallow hard, pushing the memory away. Now’s not the time to be thinking about her. I have to focus on Tom. 

Tom must take my silence as a sign that I’m struggling with my emotions, because he briefly puts his hand on my knee in support. He retracts it quickly though, as if he’d momentarily forgotten why we’re having this conversation in the first place.   
Still, his initial urge to console me comforts me. Underneath it all, he still cares about me.

“Are you in love with her?” 

The question brings me back to reality.   
It’s a question I’ve asked myself as well. One I still haven’t found an adequate answer for. But I can’t tell him that. 

“Not like I’m in love with you.” I answer, because at least that is true. Whatever it is, it’s different.

He closes his eyes. “But you do love her.” 

“It’s Kathryn Janeway.” I mutter. “We all love her in some way. You love her too.” 

Tom snorts. “But the rest of us don’t all sleep with her.” 

“But you would if you could.” I retort. “You did, in a way, when you slept with me in her body.” 

“That was just her body.” Tom throws back. “The real Kathryn Janeway was never in the equation at the time.” He jabs a finger at me. “Don’t tell me it was only about sex with you and her, because I don’t believe that for a minute.”

I counter his challenging look with a moment of silence.  
“It wasn’t.” I concede finally.

I don’t enjoy seeing him cringe.   
“Then what was it?” He continues, softer now. “What was it that I couldn’t give you and that you found with her?” 

Shaking my head, I sigh. “It wasn’t like that. She didn’t fill some void I had with you. It was… She was just… different. Like an extra flavor, enhancing the original one.” I shrug. “Like how vanilla ice cream tastes better when you have chocolate ice cream alongside it. They each make you appreciate the other more than you would when you have them separately.” 

Tom closes his eyes. “You don’t even like ice cream.” He mumbles.

“I know.” I reply softly. “But you get my point.” I exhale. “I know this sounds strange, but in a way she was good for our relationship, Tom.” I bite my lip. “It made me appreciate you, and us, more somehow.”

He scoffs, but remains quiet, shaking his head like he understands what I’m saying but can’t get around to acknowledging it.

Then he looks up as if something occurs to him. “Is this your way of saying that you want to continue seeing both of us at the same time?” 

If only I could.   
I wonder for a second if he would consider sharing me with someone else, just so he’d still have me? Then of course, that line of thought is purely theoretical.

“No.” I shake my head, acknowledging reality. “It’s over between me and her.” 

“Why?” 

His question surprises me. “She… We broke it off because it wasn’t right.” 

He cocks his head. “Because it wasn’t right or because Harry threatened to tell me?” 

I sigh. He and Harry have obviously been talking. 

“Harry’s meddling had nothing to do with it.” I try to sound more confident than I feel. “I decided to tell you because I want no more secrets between us.” I will myself to believe the words that come out of my mouth. “Not if we want to build a future together, here in the Alpha Quadrant.” 

“Are you sure that’s still what you want?” Tom interjects. “Can you settle for only vanilla?”

This is it. This is where I tell him that I choose him. This is where I fight for my marriage, for the one future, the one lover I can have. I have to erase the doubts in his mind and erase the lingering attraction for Kathryn in my own. I have to deny and bury my desire for her. I have to believe it is pointless to want her, that any possibility of a future with her is non-existent. 

“This is not about settling, Tom.” I speak, trying to give my words the weight that they should have. “I choose to be with you, just like I did when I married you.” I let my hand rest on top of his thigh and look him in the eye. “I made a mistake before, but I know now that I want to be with you, if you’ll still have me…” 

~

Tom has moved back in. It doesn’t mean he’s forgiven me or that we’re good now, but he’s willing to try. And that’s a start. 

At the very least, the fact that we’re sharing our quarters again has turned the public opinion about me from ‘ungrateful cheating whore’ to the slightly more palatable ‘atoning sinner’. 

But now that we’re in contact with Deep Space 5, the crew is less interested in me and my dirty laundry. The fact that we’re almost home is far more engrossing. From the station we’ll be able to make contact with our families, with our friends. It’s not Earth, but it’s so close it might as well be. 

The moment the ship docks at DS5, there’s a tension leaving my body that I didn’t even know was there. My eyes fall on the Captain, who shares my relief as the burden she’s carried on her shoulders for so long is lifted a little more. She’s getting us home. 

The whole station is cheering when we officially set foot again on Federation soil. And I find myself grinning from ear to ear when Tom’s gaze catches mine.   
The senior staff is led to a Briefing Room where the view screen is filled with the Admiralty, welcoming us home.   
They keep the conversation short. There’ll be plenty of time for an official debrief when we are back on Earth. 

Afterwards, Admiral Paris asks Tom to remain in the room for a private conversation.   
It’s then, when Tom grabs my hand to make me stay that I know he’s forgiven me. I squeeze his hand while he talks to his father.   
The future begins now.

~

The next day, I obtain a pure sample of electro-plasma from the station’s Chief Engineer to jumpstart Voyager’s matter/antimatter reaction again. Although the procedure goes exactly as planned, it still keeps me busy for a couple of hours.   
I’m just on my way to my quarters to shower and change before I meet up with Tom when my combadge beeps.

“Operations to Lieutenant Torres. You have an incoming private call from Admiral Owen Paris.” 

The message surprises me so much I stop dead in my tracks in the middle of the corridor. For a moment I consider he’s calling me to tell me I’m not welcome in his house. But then I shake my head. Whatever it is, I doubt that’s it. 

I slap my combadge. “Thanks, could you route it through to my quarters on Voyager? I’ll be there in two minutes.”

“Sure, no problem.” Comes the reply as I hurry down the corridor towards my quarters. 

Inside I turn on the monitor on my desk as I fall into the chair, trying to look presentable. 

“Good afternoon Admiral, sorry to keep you waiting.” I start, trying to sound as polite as possible. 

“That’s alright Lieutenant.” He replies. “My son made me wait for seven years.” 

I don’t exactly know what kind of response he expects from me, so I just smile politely and wait for him to continue.

“You must be wondering why I’m calling you.” 

~

“You’re late.” Tom chides when I enter one of the bars –where else– on the Promenade on DS5. 

“Sorry.” I mumble. “I had to take a call from-” 

“I ran into Steve Holler earlier.” Tom interrupts me. “He used to live next door to me when I was a kid.” He clarifies at my blank look. “We once stole his dad’s shuttle to take it on a joyride.” I roll my eyes good-naturedly, wondering if there was ever a time when Tom was not getting in trouble with those kinds of antics. 

He grins. “Anyway, Steve’s a professional race pilot now. He’s competing in the Alpha Cup.” 

I whistle. The Alpha Cup is for the real professionals, as I recall.   
“Superheated impulse drive, duotronic relays for data transmission, adaptive thrusters for maneuverability,… Those shuttles are real beauties.” I nod, impressed.

“I know, right?” Tom exclaims enthusiastically. “And the best part is: Steve’s team is looking for an Engineer.” He smiles, looking at me like he’s expecting me to scream out in joy. 

I raise my eyebrows, but before I have a chance to say anything, Tom continues.   
“Think about how great it would be to get your hands on one of those babies. You fix ‘em, I test them…” He grins sheepishly. “Steve told me he could probably get me a job as test pilot.” 

It dawns on me he’s really serious about this. “Great…” I smile, wondering at the same time how to tell him that I can’t.   
But Tom doesn’t notice my hesitation. He’s on a roll. 

“We could travel around the Alpha Quadrant together, with the crew. It will be so much fun.” 

“Tom…” I throw in. “I…” 

For the first time since he started talking, he notices I’m not sharing his excitement. “You don’t want this?” He asks, as if that possibility has not even occurred to him before now. 

“Your father called me a couple of minutes ago.” I start, by way of explanation. “He offered me a job at the Academy. A part time teaching position on ‘new propulsion techniques’. It comes with a research job at the New Jet Propulsion Lab.” 

I bite my lip as I give him time to let my words sink in. NJPL is one of the most advanced institutes in the whole quadrant. A research position there is every Engineer’s wet dream.

Tom’s face falls a little as he realizes what he just asked of me. “You’d have to be a fool to turn an opportunity like that down.” He grimaces. 

“Yeah…” I exhale and look down while I’m working up the courage to tell him I already accepted. 

But then he grabs my hand. “You know, I can find a job as a pilot on Earth as well.” 

I squeeze his hand. “Are you sure? You’ve always wanted to be a race pilot. The Alpha Cup is no small thing.”   
I don’t want him to resent me for this. 

“I’d only be a test pilot. You’ll be the real deal at NJPL.” Tom shrugs. “Besides, we’ve already had our share of adventure.” He cocks his head. “Maybe now it’s time to settle down, maybe even start a family?” 

My eyebrows rise above my hairline. We haven’t really discussed this before. And given my recent affair, I didn’t think we were going to anytime soon.   
“Sure…” I smile, suddenly a little overwhelmed.

He squeezes my hand again, and leans in to kiss me.   
Then he grabs his drink and holds it up in a toast, smiling broadly at me.   
“To our future in the Alpha Quadrant.” 

I lift up my own glass and lightly touch his. “To our future.” I repeat.  
As I take a sip, I notice the Captain in the corner of my eye, looking at us from her own table. For a fraction of a second her expression is unguarded and tinged with wistfulness. But then she sees me watching her and her face quickly morphs into a forced smile before she turns away. 

Somehow it feels like a punch in the gut and I look away too.   
“Maybe we should get out of here.” I murmur.

Tom, noticing the change in me, follows my gaze. I feel him tense in realization, but then he relaxes again.   
“Sure, let’s go.” He offers, holding out his hand as he gets up. 

I don’t look at Kathryn as I walk past her. I don’t want to watch her pretend that she’s okay with me moving on.   
She made her bed, I don’t need to see her lie in it alone.


	14. Chapter 14

It’s raining when we get out off the transport at residential area B41 in San Francisco.   
The thick wool of my cloak might have protected me from the cold, but it gets completely soaked by the time I’ve crossed the few meters from the transport to the front door of Tom’s parents’ house. 

In Bloomington Indiana it’s snowing now.   
I know this because I checked. 

Inside the house, Tom’s mother Julia helps me out of the wet garment and fusses over me in a way that feels both soothing and overbearing at the same time. I’m almost grateful when she turns to Tom who comes in after me carrying our overnight bags and wraps her arms around him so tight he can barely breathe.   
“You’re home.” She murmurs and suddenly I feel guilty for considering her to be overbearing when she’s clearly just a mother who missed her son dearly. 

Gretchen Janeway is probably hugging her daughter in much the same way right now, not caring that the melting snowflakes on Kathryn’s coat are making her dress wet.

“Well don’t just stand there. Come on in.”   
Owen Paris is just as insisting in real life as I’ve come to know him through the few conversations I’ve had with him. This man has it his way. Period.   
I see it in Julia’s quick scurrying towards him. I see it in Tom’s conceding nod. 

In the living room, Tom’s two sisters and their partners greet us politely. Kathleen is obviously pregnant –third trimester– and has Tom’s fair appearance. The other one, Moira, is slightly darker, but sports the same cocky grin as my husband. 

I smile at them, quickly remembering that Kathleen followed her father’s footsteps and is currently a Lieutenant Commander on a scouting ship. She’s married to Evelyn who works in real estate. And Moira is a neurosurgeon and dating Jake, a lawyer who’s specializing in interplanetary law.

At the Janeway household, there is only Phoebe, Kathryn’s sister.   
Artist. Holds a gallery in Louisville. She’s single.   
That’s all I could dig up.

“Congratulations with your job at NJPL.” 

I smile at Kathleen, nodding gratefully in the direction of my father-in-law.   
“I’m very excited about it.” 

Owen pats me on the shoulder. “They’re eager to have you. It would be a shame to waste your talents anywhere else.” Then he turns to Tom. “What about you? Any offers yet that will put your talents to good use?” 

I don’t know Owen well enough yet to know if he intends it or not, but I do know Tom is picking up an undercurrent of condescension in his words, implying that his talents are only mediocre, a bland decoction of the talents a Paris should possess.   
Childhood traumas run deep that way. 

As I feel my husband tense, I grab his hand in support. And I see Julia sending her son and her husband pleading looks.  
In a tight voice, Tom reluctantly admits that so far no one has returned his calls. 

Owen nods slowly. “If you need help, I can put in a good word for you, son.” He offers. 

I’m sure he means well, but to Tom it only sends the message that he can’t do anything right by himself. I squeeze his hand, trying to relay my support. To me he’ll never be a failure.

Julia wrings her hands nervously, trying to diffuse the situation. “Maybe you can ask Captain Janeway for a letter of recommendation. I’m sure she has wonderful things to say about you.”

At the mentioning of her name, I feel Tom let go of my hand and I briefly close my eyes. Julia couldn’t have known she’d hit another sore spot. But I wonder how many more Tom can take before he’ll storm out.

“Great idea mom.” Tom grits.   
The tension in the room is almost tangible.

“Well, who’s ready for dinner?” Julia offers, just about ready to try anything to save the evening. 

“That sounds great, Mrs. Paris.” I smile politely. “Is there anything we can help you with?” 

I grab Tom’s hand and follow Julia into the kitchen so we can busy ourselves without having to talk too much. 

All through dinner I watch the people around me, studying this family’s dynamics. Owen is clearly the dominant figure, even when he’s not trying to be. Julia tries to diffuse the tension by steering the conversation toward idle chit chat that no one cares about. 

Tom’s sisters and their partners mostly converse amongst themselves. The four of them are obviously close. And Tom feels awkward throughout the whole evening, realizing that even though he was away for so long, nothing has really changed. 

I wonder what my place will be in this family.

And somewhere in the back of my mind, I wonder if I would have fit in better with the Janeways. 

~

Thanks to Evelyn, Tom’s sister-in-law, we quickly find a great apartment in San Francisco, not too far from the Academy and NJPL.   
My job at NJPL is everything I hoped for. State-of-the-art equipment, great colleagues and challenging research. And much to my surprise I find that I enjoy the teaching part too. 

Tom struggles to find a job. His credentials piloting Voyager don’t seem to be enough to qualify for flying a commercial shuttle transport. And he doesn’t want to go back to Starfleet, under his father’s wings. That leaves freight transport in the private sector, which is not nearly as exciting as he hoped. 

I think the monotony of the job is getting to him a bit. In his downtime he often goes to the holo-arcade to blow off steam.   
Once, while browsing the news channel, he accidentally stumbled upon on the announcement of Steve Holler’s victory in the Alpha Cup and he just threw a chair towards the screen before storming out of the house. When he came back, he talked about looking for a different kind of job, but so far nothing has changed. 

I wonder if he would have been happier as a race pilot. If not for me, he would have taken Steve Holler up on his offer. I wonder if deep down Tom resents me for standing in the way of his dream. I can’t say I would blame him.

Maybe I should be more supportive of him. I’ve thought about contacting Steve Holler myself to ask him if the job he offered Tom is still available. But I know I won’t. Because I know I won’t follow him. I don’t want to leave my job here on Earth to go gallivanting around the galaxy. I’ve lived in space long enough. Now that I’m back on Earth, I don’t want to leave.   
Is that selfish? Maybe. 

~

On my way to work, I often take the scenic route. Along the way, I just stop to take in my surroundings. I watch the rays of sunlight dance through the leaves of the trees. I smile when I spot birds flying in the sky. I breathe in the unique scent of the city after a rain shower. I missed this more than I can put into words. 

After those walks I usually enter the classroom with a smile on my face.   
The class I’m teaching –New Propulsion Techniques– is not mandatory. That means only a small group of interested students enrolled.   
My lectures are interactive, often leading to interesting discussions. And I like to think my students enjoy my class. I certainly do.

It’s different from how I remember the Academy when I was a student. I recall many mandatory classes that didn’t interest me, with professors who imagined their words manna from heaven but who in reality only managed to lull their students to sleep.   
Perhaps then I was still too young and hot-blooded to see it the way I do now.

A lot has happened to me since I was the angry and arrogant kid that turned her back on Starfleet. The Maquis gave me a direction for my anger. Being in the Delta Quadrant, so far away from my home taught me humility. And although it was a forced reunion at first, I gradually found a way to coexist with Starfleet again.  
It’s funny how I’m right back where I started. 

I look at the young faces in front of me, wondering where their roads will take them. 

“Alright cadets. That’s it for today. Don’t forget your assignment is due tomorrow evening.” I conclude my lecture. 

The answering groan is expected and I smirk. Some things never change. 

“Yes Sumek.” I give the young Bajoran who’s raising his hand permission to speak.

“Forgive me, Lieutenant Commander, but would it be possible to extend the deadline with one day? We’d all like to attend the guest lecture tomorrow.” 

I raise my eyebrows. “Guest lecture?” I echo, puzzled.

“The guest lecture for Anthropology on making first contact with alien species.” Sumek elaborates. “By Admiral Janeway?” 

The name makes my heart skip a beat. Kathryn Janeway will be here for a guest lecture tomorrow?   
I force myself to breathe. “Right.” I mumble. Then I inhale and nod at Sumek. “Alright, I’ll extend the deadline by one day.” 

There are a few grateful cheers coming from my students as they start making their way out, but I barely register them. 

I grab my schedule and check the lecture announcements for this week. There it is. Anthropology guest lecture: ‘First contact with the Delta Quadrant’, by Admiral Janeway. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. 

During all these months on Earth I’ve tried so hard not to think about her. It’s almost impossible to believe that I succeeded. But now it all comes back to me, all those feelings that I tried to hide so deep inside. 

In the afternoon I head over to NJPL to continue my research on the new engine design me and my team are working on. But my thoughts continue to stray towards Kathryn Janeway. 

I haven’t seen her since we got back. At first I discreetly kept track of what she did, where she went. My heart used to skip a beat when I saw her on the news bulletin, or when I read her name somewhere. It felt like she was still a part of my life that way. I used to fantasize that she’d show up on my doorstep to tell me that she had been wrong to let me go.

One day, when Tom was away for work, the doorbell rang. When I answered it, I saw that it was a delivery guy, holding out a beautiful bouquet of bluebell flowers. My first thought was that Kathryn had sent them, but when I read the card it said ‘Happy Anniversary’. Tom had had them delivered because he wasn’t home on our anniversary. And I hadn’t even remembered. 

I cried that day. Took the flowers, read the card, sank down to the floor of the hallway with the flowers still in my arms and I sobbed. I felt guilty and alone and empty.   
And that night I finally realized that I was holding on to a fantasy again. And that my life with Tom was passing me by without me even realizing it. So I let go of her and I vowed to myself that I’d be a better wife to Tom. And so I started focusing on Tom and on my work, and gradually she drifted to the background. 

But now, I find myself being drawn like a moth to a flame towards the auditorium where she’ll be speaking.   
The place is packed with cadets and a fair amount of my colleagues. I find a place in the back, next to Commander Hargrove, who teaches Survival Techniques. He chuckles when he sees me.   
“Expecting to learn a lot of new things?” 

I wonder if he thinks it’s strange that I’m here. After all, I was right there in the Delta Quadrant with Kathryn Janeway. 

“Just here to reminisce about the good old days.” I offer sheepishly, hoping it’s a convincing reason. 

He smiles back. “I’m sure you went through a lot together. Good stuff and bad.” 

“Yeah.” I nod slowly, allowing myself to think back on everything that happened. “We sure did.” 

Then the audience quiets down as Admiral Reyes introduces the guest speaker. I don’t hear a word she says. Instead I find I’m holding my breath when the introduction is finished and Kathryn Janeway steps on the stage. 

With a confident stride she walks towards the lectern, shaking hands with Admiral Reyes before turning to the public. Her smile is subtle, and although I’m too far away to clearly see it, I know it reaches her eyes. She looks great and my stomach clenches at the onslaught of emotions and memories that wash over me.

“She’s less tall than I expected her to be.” Hargrove comments next to me. He sounds disappointed. “Even Reyes has a couple of centimeters on her.” 

‘She’s exactly the same height as me.’ I think to myself, but I don’t trust my voice to say it out loud. So I sit quietly, hoping Hargrove is not planning on providing a running commentary throughout the lecture. 

“Thank you, Admiral Reyes.” A familiar voice suddenly rings through the room. “And thank you all for being here.” 

I sit transfixed in my seat as the well-known tones wash over me.   
Hargrove is whispering something else to me but I’m not even paying attention to him. I don’t see anything but her. All I notice is the tilt of her head, the movement of her lips as she speaks, the way she gestures with her hands to support her words. 

Time loses its meaning for me as I drink in the sight of her. I’m lost in an intermediate state of consciousness where reality and memories intersect, spellbound by the sound of her voice. Almost two years have passed since our affair, but right now, it feels like it was only a moment ago. Familiar feelings take hold of me and it’s like I’m being transported back to our time on Voyager. 

All too soon it seems, the audience around me applauds. I check the chronometer, surprised how fast the time has passed, realizing that indeed, the lecture has finished. 

“Are there any questions?” Admiral Janeway concludes, looking around expectantly.

Next to me, Hargrove stands and Kathryn’s gaze swings our way.   
My heart suddenly hammers in my throat. I can’t look away.

“Yes Commander?” Janeway points at him. 

As soon as Hargrove starts asking his question I see her eyes widen a bit as she notices me. We lock eyes for a moment, then she scrapes her throat and swallows, turning her attention back to Hargrove. “I’m sorry Commander, could you repeat your question?” 

I look down, listening to Hargrove asking his question again and how she answers, sounding a little less confident than before.   
I can’t move. Suddenly, I feel the need to get out of here. I feel too exposed. I only meant to watch her, from afar, without her knowing. I’m not prepared for this. 

I wait impatiently until she has answered the other questions. Then Admiral Reyes steps onto the stage again to thank her and everyone else for their attendance. 

“Great lecture.” Hargrove tells me when we all get up to leave the auditorium. I can tell by his tone of voice she’s made quite an impression on him. 

I nod, trying to get out of the room as fast as I can. 

~

In my office a couple of minutes later, I close the door, sink down on my chair and take a deep breath. ‘She was just surprised to see me in the audience, that’s all.’ I tell myself. ‘There’s nothing more to it than that.’ I bring up some schematics I have to review in an attempt to distract myself with work. But of course it’s no use. I think back to our final moments on Voyager. When the going got tough, she pushed me away. She didn’t even fight for me. She chose to leave me while Tom forgave me and stood by me. I have to remember that. 

The doorchime sounds and I suddenly realize it’s probably her. 

“Come in.” I mentally steel myself. 

Indeed the doors open to reveal Kathryn Janeway. She steps into the room a little hesitantly. “Admiral Reyes pointed me towards your office.” 

I nod. “Come in.” I gesture at the seat in front of my desk. 

“The students liked your lecture.” I don’t know what else to say.   
As she sits down, a whiff of her perfume reaches me and I swallow to keep my composure. 

She smiles shyly, catching my gaze. “And you?” 

I didn’t hear a word, I want to say. Instead I nod once. “It was good.” 

“I didn’t expect to see you in the audience.” She admits. Then she tilts her head to study me for a moment. “How have you been?” 

“I’m doing alright.” I shrug lightly. It hardly sounds convincing, but I’m feeling out of my depth and just making general conversation is already enough of a challenge. 

She smiles, gesturing our surroundings. “I always thought you’d make a great teacher.” 

My mind unhelpfully supplies me with images of what I thought her on Voyager. 

There’s a silence for a minute, which she breaks.   
“How’s Tom doing?” 

Her question brings me back to reality.   
“He’s great.” I say, not sure whom I’m trying to convince. “He works as a freight pilot, so he gets around a lot.” I grin wryly. “He was always born to fly.”

“You’d think he’d have had his share by now…” She chuckles and tilts her head. “Does he fly regular routes?” 

I shrug. “The system of Bajor and the Romulan Empire are his regulars. He’s on his way back from Romulus Prime right now.” 

She nods pensively and I wonder if she’s asking about Tom to be polite or because she genuinely cares. 

We sit in silence for another moment. It’s a little awkward. I’m sure she notices it too.

“Well, I’m afraid there’s an appointment at headquarters I have to get to.” She speaks as she gets up.

I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed. I think maybe a little bit of both.

Kathryn grabs her bag and then looks at me again, locking eyes.   
“It was great seeing you.” 

“You too.” I utter softly. 

She throws me a smile before she turns around and exits my office. 

When the door closes behind her, I fall back in my chair and exhale heavily, feeling like all of the progress I thought I’d made over the past twenty months has been washed away in a day.


	15. Chapter 15

In the next couple of days, I bury myself in work.   
In the past, whenever I felt my emotional world had been turned upside down, focusing on something tangible, like for example designing a new engine, has helped me deal with it. This time is no exception. Since Tom is not home, I work double shifts at NJPL. At least something beneficial should come out of my emotional turmoil. 

The day Tom gets back from Romulus, I leave the lab early. Given all the hours I’ve put in this week, nobody thinks anything of it.   
I plan on surprising Tom, taking him out to dinner in our favorite restaurant and then later on drag him to bed to give him a proper welcome home. 

I key in the access code to our apartment, hoping Tom will be in a good mood. I try to remember when his next run is, but I come up blank.   
I’m taking off my coat and hanging it on the coat rack when I hear voices. Familiar voices. 

With a frown I enter the room and I stop dead in my tracks.  
At the kitchen table Tom and Kathryn Janeway turn their heads towards me. It’s obvious they’re just as surprised to see me as I am to see them. 

I blink a couple of times, wondering why Kathryn would visit my husband, why Tom would let her in in the first place. Ever since Tom found out about our affair, he’s been kind of ignoring her existence.   
What have they been talking about? Did she tell him about our encounter a couple of days ago? What purpose would that serve?

Before I can say anything, Kathryn stands up and grabs her coat from the kitchen counter. 

“I hope I can count on you.” She gives Tom a pointed look.   
“B’Elanna.” She walks past me, nodding at me in greeting, before exiting the apartment.

I turn to Tom, my eyebrows high in wonder. “What was that all about?” 

My husband is still at the kitchen table, seemingly deep in thought. 

“Tom?” I ask, trying to catch his attention. I sink down on the chair Kathryn just vacated. “What’s going on? Why was she here?” 

Finally his gaze settles onto me.   
“She offered me a job.” 

“A job?” I repeat. “What kind of job?” 

Tom frowns again, and he’s obviously going through the conversation in his mind again as he elaborates. “Some kind of undercover operation with regard to some technology that was stolen and smuggled to Romulus.” 

“Undercover? On Romulus? That sounds pretty dangerous.” For the first time I wonder what kind of things Admiral Janeway has been doing since we got back to Earth. “Why would she ask you?” 

Tom shrugs. “My job as a freight pilot gives me an easy in, I suppose. I’m familiar with the transport routes, I have a lot of contacts on Romulus. They think I’m the perfect candidate.” 

“They?” I echo. 

Tom tilts his head. “I think Janeway is working with Section 31 on this.”

“Tom…” I utter, feeling a chill go down my spine. Section 31 is rumored to be a top secret organization –that officially doesn’t even exist– doing Starfleet’s dirty work.   
“Are you sure you want to get involved in that?” 

I see the glimmer in his eyes and I realize it’s pointless for me to ask. Tom could never pass up the chance to be an actual real life spy. He’s been so unhappy with the monotony and routine of his job as a freight pilot. The fact that it is the perfect cover for this operation, combined with his love for adventure makes this the opportunity of a lifetime for him, regardless of the risk involved. Not even his resentment for having to work with Kathryn Janeway can spoil the fun.  
I vaguely wonder when was the last time I saw him this excited about something.

I sigh in resignation and grab his hand.   
“Promise me you’ll be careful, okay?” 

He squeezes my hand and looks me in the eye for a moment. “I promise.”  
Then he gets up. “I have to prepare some things.” 

“What things?” I ask, remembering the dinner reservation I made for this evening. 

He pauses and turns to me. “The less you know, the better probably.”   
With that, he’s out the door. 

I slump in the kitchen chair and exhale, thinking about everything I’ve just seen and heard.   
Even though I realize how much he wants to do this, I’m still worried. What will he be getting into? Will he be safe? So many questions run through my mind. Like, how did they ever consider him as a candidate? 

As soon as I think about that one though, the answer dawns on me. Kathryn asked me about him and his job just days ago.   
Was our encounter just a setup to get to him? Did she use me for her professional purposes? I have half a mind to call her and ask her flat out. But then I realize that this mission is top secret and that Tom’s safety probably depends on secrecy more than anything. If I ask Janeway about any of this, I could jeopardize all that. 

So instead I just sigh and get up to cancel our dinner reservation for tonight.   
Somehow, I’ll have to find a way to be okay with my ex-lover recruiting my husband for a top secret undercover mission.

~

On Sunday morning, when Tom has been gone a little less than two weeks, the doorbell rings unexpectedly.   
I frown, wondering who would visit me at this hour on a Sunday. It dawns on me that I’m supposed to be babysitting Kathleen and Evelyn’s son Jack in the afternoon. Maybe they decided to drop him off early?

I get up and throw on a robe, trying to put my hair in some semblance of order, generally trying not to look like I just rolled out of bed. Evelyn always looks like she stepped right out of a beauty magazine, and Kathleen, as a good Starfleet officer, is also meticulous about her appearance. Compared to them Tom and I both look like filthy slobs even on a good day. 

On my way to the door, I glance at the chronometer and notice it’s actually already almost 10:00. I’m pretty sure no one in the Paris household –bar Tom– considers this and appropriate hour to still be in bed, even on a Sunday morning.

I plaster a smile on my face, open the door, and freeze on the spot. Instead of the drooling and smiling little Jack I half expected to find on my doorstep, I’m staring right at Kathryn Janeway.

For a moment, I don’t trust my eyes, very much aware of how many times I’ve wished for this exact thing to happen in the last two years.  
I blink, but she’s still there. 

“I owe you an apology.” 

I register her words, but my brain doesn’t seem to kick into gear. So I just stand there, as if I’ve forgotten how to function normally. 

Kathryn holds up a bag in front of her.   
“I brought breakfast.” 

I recognize the logo of a nearby bakery and the smell of fresh coffee emanates from the cups she’s holding in her other hand. 

“Come in.” I finally stammer, stepping aside to allow her access. 

Without words, Kathryn graciously enters, making her way to the kitchen. Still dazzled, I follow her and watch her as she places the bag and coffee cups on the table. 

“Do you like croissants?” 

I nod, albeit hesitant. Somehow, I’m still not entirely sure that this is not some kind of dream. Is she really here, in my kitchen, browsing my cupboards for two plates? 

When she’s found the plates, Kathryn sits down and hands me one of the coffee cups, from Joe’s across the street, I notice. 

“I want you to know that I’m sorry for getting Tom involved in this operation.”   
With both her hands wrapped around her coffee cup, Kathryn looks at me. “When you told me about his job, I knew he fit exactly the profile we were looking for. I proposed other candidates, but they wanted him. It was out of my hands.”

“They. That’s section 31, isn’t it?” I ask, not expecting her to confirm or deny it. I’m well aware that that kind of information is above my pay-grade. 

“I can’t tell you who I’m working for or what Tom’s role is in this operation, B’Elanna.”   
Kathryn puts a croissant on my plate and her hand hovers over mine for a second as if she wants to squeeze it but then thinks the better of it.   
“But I can tell you that Tom’s mission is crucial for its success.” She looks me in the eye. “And even though I can’t disclose the specifics, I can promise you that he’s out there for something that’s worth it.”

I feel strangely captured by her gaze. I am angry at her. I want to yell at her that her apology won’t keep my husband out of harm’s way. And at the same time I want to reach out and make her obvious unease disappear.   
I do neither. Instead, I tear my gaze away and reach for my croissant.

“He wrote me that he’d try to make it home soon.” I tell her. “Do you know when that will be?” 

I see Kathryn stiffen marginally. “Difficult to say.” She answers noncommittally, taking a swig of her coffee. 

I briefly wonder what she’s not telling me. 

“Did he say anything else in his letter?” She asks off-handedly.

I think back to the letter. I can’t think of anything in it that could be of interest to her or the operation. It was a pretty standard letter from a guy who’s out there for the long haul, a guy who misses his wife. It felt kind of nice to read his words.

Kathryn is looking at me expectantly, so I just shrug. “It didn’t contain anything out of the ordinary.”

“Do you mind if I take a look at it?” Kathryn asks. “Just in case there’s information in it that only someone who’s aware of the specifics of his mission would pick up on?” 

I eye her for a second but then shrug and grab a PADD to download the message onto. If she wants to read about how my husband misses me and will try to get home in time for Christmas, who am I to argue with that? 

Kathryn puts down her empty coffee cup. “I knew I should have gotten a larger one.” She mumbles, accepting the PADD that I’m holding out to her. 

“I can replicate you another cup.” I offer, remembering her coffee addiction all too well. “It won’t be as good as the coffee from Joe’s though.” I point at her empty cup.

She smiles beatifically. “Whatever you’ve got, I’ll take it.” 

Leaving her with the letter, I turn around to the replicator, browsing through the selection.   
“You like Yemen Mocha, right?” I ask, turning to look at her over my shoulder when she doesn’t immediately answer. 

Instead of just reading the PADD, I find Kathryn scanning it with a small device. I turn to her fully at the same time she realizes I’ve caught her and she tries to slip the device in her bag. 

“What is that?” I ask sharply, all thoughts of coffee forgotten. 

She stares at me hard for a moment, weighing her options, then puts the small device on the table.   
“It’s a decryption tool.” She states simply.

I frown. “Tom hid a message in his letter?” 

As I speak the words it all dawns on me. Of course there’s a message hidden in Tom’s letter. The letter itself was just a decoy, a way of transporting crucial information. Any husband who was in space for a while would send his wife a letter saying he missed her. Nothing suspicious about that. No one would think to look further. I certainly didn’t.

But Kathryn knew. Otherwise she wouldn’t have shown up here with a decryption tool to access the data. She probably told him to contact her this way.

Suddenly I feel cold as the truth hits me. She never came here to apologize.   
“You only came here to get the information in Tom’s letter.” 

The look on her face tells me I’m right. “B’Elanna, I…” She starts.

“Save it.” I snarl. “I should have known you weren’t really here to apologize. You obviously never cared about how your decisions affected me in the past, so why would you now?” 

Her face pales and I know I’m hitting below the belt by referencing her choice to end our affair so abruptly two years ago, but I feel too betrayed to care.

Swallowing hard, Kathryn gets up, putting the decryption tool in her bag, and taking her coat.   
“Maybe I should just go.” Her voice is only just above a whisper.

“That’s right, leave. You’re good at that too.” I rage on, unable to stop two years worth of grief from pouring out of me. I grab the PADD from the kitchen table and take a step in her direction. “Take the damned letter with you.” I scowl. “In fact, I’ll send you the next one by courier. Save you the trouble of having to come over and pretend that you care.” 

With that, she stops abruptly and snaps up her head as if I’ve slapped her. The hurt is clearly visible in her eyes and she clearly struggles to keep her emotions under control. 

Her pained look cuts through my soul and I feel my anger deflate just as quickly as it rose.   
I close my eyes briefly and exhale heavily.   
“I’m sorry.” I murmur, feebly reaching out to her by way of apology. “I didn’t mean that.” 

She swallows hard, but doesn’t acknowledge my outstretched hand. I let it fall by my side again. 

“I’ve always cared about you B’Elanna.” Her voice is low, rough with emotion. “The hardest thing I ever did was letting you go.” 

I let out a deep breath and bite my lip.   
“Harder than it would’ve been to fight for me? For us?” The anger is gone from my voice, but I can’t hide the pain I feel inside. I’ve been carrying it with me for too long.

She winces and reaches out to grab my hand after all. “I’m sorry.” She whispers hoarsely. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” She searches my eyes, pleadingly. “It didn’t feel like there was another option then.” 

I keep her gaze for a moment, then close my eyes briefly and sigh.   
“I know.” I concede. It took me a while to understand it afterwards, but I realized eventually that from her point of view she felt there was no other choice.

Relief emanates from her at my words and she lightly squeezes my hand. I feel its warmth on mine and turn my hand in hers, slowly rubbing circles over her soft skin. 

The contact soothes me somehow. As if I’m finally able to heal from the wounds that were inflicted two years ago. Her presence always affected me in one way or another. As a Captain, she always made me feel strong and confident. As a woman, she awakened feelings in me that I never knew I was capable of. 

Suddenly I feel a familiar longing for her again. The warmth of her skin underneath my fingertips brings back too many memories of similar instances where I enjoyed touching her. And I find myself wanting to touch her again. 

“Maybe there are other options now?” I ask huskily.   
When I look up at her, I know my desire is clearly visible in my eyes.

Hers widen in response. “B’Elanna…” She breathes. But she doesn’t move away and I notice how her pupils have dilated. I remember she used to look at me this way on Voyager. Does she still feel the same?

Encouraged by that, I continue. “We’re no longer on Voyager, and you’re not the Captain anymore.” 

Feeling courageous, I reach out and softly tuck her hair behind her ear.  
The air around us suddenly seems electric. Kathryn licks her lips and I feel a familiar pull towards her. 

“You’re still married.” She counters hoarsely.

I cup her face. “It’s you I want.” 

“B’Elanna…” She swallows, and I can see her trying to fight her feelings.

“It’s always been you.” I close the distance and brush my lips against hers. 

The last bit of resistance flows out of her and she pulls me closer, her hands tangling in my hair as we kiss each other. 

Then she pulls back, cupping my face.  
“I want you too.” She breathes. “But we have to talk about what that means.” 

I nod. If I want to be with her, I’ll have to face the consequences. On Voyager, I stuck my head in the sand, ignoring the reality of loving two people at the same time. This time, I’m ready to take responsibility for my feelings.   
“I’m leaving Tom.” 

Kathryn exhales. Her expression bears both relief and guilt. “Are you sure?” Her fingers are gently stroking the nape of my neck as she holds me in a loose embrace. “I know you love him, so don’t make this decision lightly.” 

I sigh and she drops her hands, allowing me some space. I walk towards the window.   
“I do love Tom.” I start, turning around to face her. “And I know he loves me. But I don’t think we really make each other happy anymore.” I chuckle mirthlessly. “I mean, he’s been miserable ever since we settled here on Earth. He hates his job. The relationship with his father is still tense. He feels…” I shake my head and turn my palms upwards, looking for the right word. “Trapped.” 

Kathryn frowns at the frustration clearly audible in my voice. 

“And the fact that I’m happy here, the fact that I like my life and my job, only makes me part of the problem I guess.” I scoff softly. 

“Have you talked to him about this?” Kathryn asks softly, stepping closer to join me at the window. 

I shrug. “He doesn’t talk about this kind of stuff. In that regard he’s more like his father than he will ever care to admit.” I feel Kathryn’s comforting hand on my shoulder and sigh. “Honestly, when he was preparing for this mission, that’s the happiest I’ve seen him since we’ve gotten back from the Delta Quadrant.”   
I turn my head, looking into her thoughtful blue eyes. “As it is, I’ll probably be doing him a favor by letting him go.” 

Her arms gently draw me closer to her into a soothing hug. I lean in, burying my nose in her hair and inhaling her scent. It suddenly occurs to me how much I’ve longed for this.  
“God I’ve missed you.” I whisper in her hair.

I feel her embrace tightening and she pulls me closer.   
“I’ve missed you too.” Kathryn breathes and I feel her nuzzle my cheek. 

Automatically, I tilt my head and my lips find hers again. I revel in the joy of being able to kiss her once more, just like I’ve dreamed of doing so many times in these last couple of years. I let my hands roam freely over her body until she catches them. 

“Maybe we should wait until you’ve had a chance to talk to Tom.”   
Her heavy breathing shows that she’s trying to keep a clear head, despite her body telling her otherwise. 

I feel the heated blood flowing in my veins and I know that I’m not going to wait that long. Slowly I bring my hand to the sash of my robe and tug at it. My robe falls open, showing my breasts clearly straining against the tank top I’m wearing underneath. 

I see Kathryn’s eyes widen and she licks her lips. “Forget I said anything.” She whispers huskily.

Her hands settle on my hips, fingers tentatively slipping under the hem of my top, making contact with my skin.   
We kiss again, hungrily, and her hands become more bold in their exploration. My robe hits the floor.

And then the doorbell rings and I recoil, suddenly remembering Jack.

“Shit.” I curse, grabbing a sweater I left on the couch last night and putting it on. “I’m supposed to babysit my nephew this afternoon.”

Kathryn stares at me, her mind obviously trying to catch up. 

“I’m so sorry about this.” I touch her arm briefly before making my way to the door.

She grins, now composed. “We’ll continue this later.” She starts busying herself by clearing away the plates on the table. 

“Auntie Lanna!” Jack croons with outstretched arms when he sees me.

I know I look a bit disheveled, wearing comfy sweatpants and a sweater that doesn’t match, my hair not even properly combed, but I don’t have time to do anything about it. Kathleen and Evelyn probably don’t expect anything else from me.  
If they seem surprised that I’m entertaining guests looking this way, they don’t show it. 

“Sorry we’re a bit early.” Kathleen says as she hands over her squirming toddler to me. “He was anxious to see you.” 

The slobbery kiss Jack puts on my cheek when I’m in reach confirms her statement. “That’s fine.” I laugh, wiping my hand over my face. “We were having breakfast. I didn’t keep track of the time.” I gesture to Kathryn. “I assume you both know Admiral Janeway.” 

She walks over to my side and stretches out her hand to Kathleen.   
“Lieutenant Commander Paris. It’s so nice to finally meet you. Your father often spoke of you when we served together on the Al-Batani.” 

“It’s good to meet you too Admiral.” Kathleen replies, polite and reserved like the Starfleet-bred woman she is. But I can see she’s impressed meeting the great Admiral Janeway. “This is my wife Evelyn and this little monster is our son Jack.” 

“Nice to meet you.” Kathryn smiles. Then she grins at Jack. “Your auntie’s all yours now, little man.”   
She takes her coat, picks up her bag and heads for the door. “Thanks for breakfast.” 

“I can stop by later tonight to take a look at your broken replicator.” I remark offhandedly as she reaches the door. I remember using the same excuse before, on Voyager.

Making sure neither of the other two women can see her, Kathryn throws me a sultry grin that makes my knees go weak. I know for a fact she remembers it too.  
“Sure.” She answers lightly, totally in contrast with the look on her face. “I would appreciate that.”

And with that she walks out of the apartment, leaving me all flustered in anticipation and trying hard not to show it.


	16. Chapter 16

After Kathleen and Evelyn have picked Jack up again, I find myself on Kathryn’s doorstep. 

She’s still sporting that same sexy grin she left with when she opens the door as she casually leans against the doorjamb.   
“If you’re here to fix my replicator, shouldn’t you have brought your toolbox?” She smirks, alluding to the excuse I keep using to see her. 

I throw her a cocky smirk. “I can work miracles with these hands alone baby.” 

She laughs heartily and takes a step back, allowing me entrance to her home. “Well, I don’t doubt that.” 

When the doors close, her hands slide over my hips and she envelopes me in a loose embrace, leaning in to kiss me softly. The intimacy of the gesture makes my heart flutter. 

“Did you have a good time with Jack?”   
Her smile twinkles in her eyes as she looks at me. 

I nod and reach out to tuck her hair behind her ear.   
“I took him to the park. He loves the gyroswing.” I think about his little face lighting up as he flew through the air. He reminded me of Tom like that.

I briefly close my eyes and focus on Kathryn again.   
“What about you, what did you do this afternoon?” 

She grabs my hand, pulling me further into the room.  
“Not much. Just thinking, mostly.”   
She heads for a cabinet to pour us both a drink.

“About what?” I ask, looking around her tastefully decorated apartment. I’ve never been in here before.   
I walk towards the window to take in the view of the city below us. 

“You. Us.” She speaks softly, pausing for a moment. “And the consequences that will come with that.” 

I swallow as everything around me slows down momentarily.   
“Are you having second thoughts?”   
Is it happening again? I feel like I’ve barely recovered from the previous time.

Kathryn moves towards the window, standing beside me. “I’m not going to make the same mistake twice, B’Elanna. I want this.”   
Giving me one of the glasses, she squeezes my hand.

And I exhale, not realizing I’d been holding my breath. 

Kathryn lightly touches my cheek. “But we should both be aware of how this will affect the people we care about.” 

“Tom.” I sigh knowingly. 

“And Owen, and Kathleen,… And Jack.” She adds softly. “They might not exactly be thrilled about this either.” 

I bite my lip as I consider this. I’ve grown quite fond of little Jack, and although I have nothing against the rest of Tom’s family, he’s the only one I’d really miss. 

“I’m hoping I’d still get to see Jack.” I whisper, thinking that I don’t have a clue if Kathleen and Evelyn would still let me. I take a sip of the liquor in my glass and then look back at Kathryn. “But even if I don’t, so be it. I want to be with you.” 

She leans towards me, touching her forehead to mine. “I want to be with you too.”   
Her lips find mine again, and she kisses me deeply, possessively, like she’s claiming me as hers. 

Breaking away from me, she takes my glass and puts it with hers on a nearby table.   
Then her hands eagerly slide underneath my sweater. “I need you.” She grinds out, her voice rough with arousal. My body instantly responds to it.   
We make it to her bedroom, stumbling as we undress along the way. 

Her touch erases every one of my last reservations, the few remaining slivers of doubt.   
And much later, when we’re lying still in each other’s arms, I am beyond sure that this is what I want.

~

A couple of days later I’m walking home after work. I haven’t seen Kathryn since our night together on Sunday, but we’ve talked every evening. We both decided it would be a good idea to keep some distance between us until Tom gets back and I get the chance to tell him about us. It seems like the right thing to do. 

It’s been strange, waiting for a moment that I both dread and look forward to at the same time. It reminds me of when we were in the spatial flexure, in limbo, not yet out of my old life, not yet into the next. 

I’m not quite sure when Tom will be back. In his letter he indicated it would be before Christmas, which is five days from now. So it’ll probably be someday soon.  
Even so, it still comes as a bit of a shock to me when I enter our apartment and see him sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the screen of his portable unit. 

“You’re back.” I stammer, trying to push back the apprehension in my stomach that comes inevitably with any ‘moment of truth’. 

He still seems deep in thought when he looks up at me. “I am.” He nods and gets up from his chair to envelop me in a hug. 

I relax marginally in his arms, reveling in his warmth. It’s bittersweet to love someone I’m about to let go. I will miss him. Even in our difficult moments, he always made me feel safe. 

“B’Elanna…” He speaks softly. “We have to talk.” 

I stiffen. Does he know already? How did he find out?   
I step back and frown. “About what?” I stammer as my mind runs at light speed trying to come up with the best way to explain, to apologize, to…

“They want me to go back.” 

My frown deepens for real this time. “What?” 

Tom runs his hands through his hair the way he always does when he knows I will disagree with what he has to say. “My mission was a success.” He starts. “I managed to get my hands on some very valuable information. So… they offered me a permanent posting as an off-world intelligence liaison.” 

I blink a couple of times, mentally changing gears. Obviously this is not about me and Kathryn.   
“So Section 31 wants you to be… an intergalactic spy?” I paraphrase. 

He tilts his head and his eyes gleam at my choice of words. “Something like that.” 

“And you said yes.” I add softly. “Obviously.” 

Tom sighs. “I hate my job as a freight pilot. And it’s clear that by now I will never become a race pilot anymore. That ship has sailed.” He shrugs. “But being ‘an intergalactic spy’…” He pauses, looking for words that can express the excitement shining in his eyes. “It’s something I really want to do.”

Knowing Tom, knowing what makes him tick, it makes perfect sense. It’s like being Captain Proton, only for real. It will give him the danger and excitement he seeks. And the purpose and variety he needs. His ability to rely on his charm and quick wit and being forced to think on his feet will be his greatest asset. And he’ll discover parts of the galaxy that are not in the average tourist guide.   
It’s not a job for everyone, but he’s probably the perfect candidate for it. 

The only thing keeping him here… is me. 

I look into his eyes and nod slowly. “You should do it.”   
We both know what this implies. If I stay here on Earth and he is out there, that means the end of our relationship.

Tom exhales and it’s clear he’s not sure whether he feels relieved or disappointed by my words. “Are you sure?” 

“I’ve met up with Kathryn while you were away.” I state. I owe it to him to be honest. 

He nods slowly, not surprised by my words. “I figured you might.”   
He breathes deeply in and out, as if to tank courage for his next question. “Do you think you have a chance with her?” 

Biting my lip, I force myself to make eye contact with him. And I nod slowly. “I’d like to try and see where it could lead.”   
He knows I’m not asking for his permission, but it would feel much better to have his blessing of some sort. 

He eyes me for a long time, that same mixture of sadness and love in his whole demeanor. “You should.” He finally echoes my previous words to him. 

I let out a shuddering breath and launch forward, firmly wrapping my arms around him and feeling his close tight around me. It’s a strange feeling to set free someone you love. And it’s even stranger to feel it in return. 

“I’ll miss you.” I sniffle into his chest. 

“I’ll miss you too.” He answers in a thick voice. “And I’ll love you always.” 

I lean back in his embrace, reaching up to cup his face. “I love you too.”

 

~~~Epilogue~~~

Ice cold gusts of wind are chilling me to my very core and I wrap my cloak tighter around me, burying my nose in the thick furry collar.   
“If your luggage can be transported directly towards the house, why can’t we?” My annoyance is clear although my voice is muffled through layers of fabric.

Next to me, Kathryn sports a huge grin. Her cheeks are rosy, her eyes wide with excitement and her breath forms soft white clouds that dissipate immediately in the wind.   
“Trust me, it’s worth it.” She beams.

With a barely disguised grumble, I continue plowing through the snow, feeling only marginally better when she grabs my gloved hand in hers. 

“It’s just around that corner.” She motions.

I’m so intent on just keeping moving in order to ward of the cold, I almost bump into her when she stops. 

“Look.”

I tilt my head up and catch my breath as the beauty of the landscape takes me by surprise. The fields we have arrived at are covered in a thick, pristine snow carpet, and at their far edge, seamed by snowy pines that seem like they were painted on the backdrop of the grey air.   
On the other side, there’s a road leading up to the impressive Janeway family home, a sizeable 23rd century style manor that looks well cared for and inviting. 

“Come on.” Kathryn grabs my hand and continues the journey. “I’m sure my mother has a steaming pot of coffee ready for us.” 

At the thought of any kind of warm liquid, I urge my cramped muscles to make the final trek through the snow, grateful when we finally reach the house and Kathryn opens the door to let us in. I punch the control to close it behind us with my entire gloved hand. 

“Mother, we’re here!” Kathryn shouts as she starts to take off her gloves and cloak. I try to do the same, but my fingers are too numb to be useful. 

“Here, let me help.” Kathryn takes off my gloves and holds my hands into her own, bringing them to her mouth to softly blow her warm breath on them. Her eyes twinkle as she does so, and it dawns on me that I’ve never seen her look more gorgeous than she looks now. I feel a familiar twinge in my abdomen and note with some amusement that it’s possible to be both frozen and on fire at the same time. 

“Kathryn, I thought I heard you come in.” 

The first thing I notice about Gretchen Janeway as she pulls her daughter into a hug, is how they have the same look in their eyes. Intelligent, sharp and kind.

“It’s so good to have you home again.” Gretchen speaks warmly and then becomes stern like only mothers can. “We have a fully functioning transport pad, you know.” 

Kathryn grins mischievously. “I wanted to show B’Elanna how pretty it is here.” She grabs my hand and pulls me closer. “B’Elanna, this is my mother, Gretchen.” 

“It’s so nice to meet you.” I start saying and in response Gretchen pulls me into the same kind of hug she just gave Kathryn. It makes me immediately feel at home. 

“Don’t tell me you made her walk here in this hellish weather.” Another voice sounds. “The poor woman is half-Klingon for Pete’s sake.”

“Come on, Phoebe.” Kathryn grins at her sister. “It’s not even that bad today.” 

Phoebe smiles and links her arm through mine. “Come with me. You deserve coffee and a medal for putting up with her.” 

Smiling at Kathryn, I let her sister guide me inside the house towards the smell of freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies. At the kitchen table, with a mug of steaming hot coffee, Phoebe launches into a story on when she and Kathryn got lost in the woods once as kids. I watch the banter between the three women, occasionally join in and realize that for the first time, I feel like I fit right in. 

~

Later that afternoon, I’m sitting cross-legged on the sofa next to the Christmas tree with an extra blanket draped over my shoulders, staring through the window at the darkening sky when I feel Kathryn sit next to me and gently place her hand on my shoulder. 

“Feeling warmer already?” 

The huskiness of her voice sends a shiver down my spine. I lean against her and tilt my head back to give her a quick kiss. “I do now.” 

In response she wraps her arms around me. I feel the heat of her body even through all the layers of fabric I’ve surrounded myself with. “See?” She grins. “There are some advantages to being cold.” 

“It almost makes the whole walk worth it.” I jest good-naturedly. 

She chuckles lowly. “Oh, I know of an even better way to warm you up that will definitely make it worth it.” She whispers in my ear. “Ironically though, you’ll have to get rid of the blanket and all your clothes for it to work properly…” She lightly bites my earlobe. “Trust me, pretty soon you’ll be begging me to take you out for a walk in the snow, just for the warming up part.” 

I smile at her, and notice how relaxed and carefree she looks. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with the love I feel for her. And how happy I am to be with her, despite everything that happened with Tom. 

“You know,” I grin, “keep this up and I think winter might even become my new favorite season…”


End file.
